Old People Attempting Hostile NASCAR Takeover

Not to be too much of a sentimentalist here, but the commercialization of sports sucks. We’ve got no problem with the astronomical salaries or ubiquitous advertisements - those are nothing new- but it seems like nothing can be done in sports anymore without first gauging the impact on corporate sponsors and TV networks. Nothing’s done just because it’s the right thing to do; things are done because there’s more money to be made.

Old People Driving

 (The future of NASCAR, unless we speak out)

We’ve uncovered some disturbing details that indicate NASCAR has fundamentally changed the outcome of their races to please a new corporate sponsor - the AARP, formerly known as the American Association of Retired Persons.  As the group representing the most vocal and annoying group of Americans (old people), the AARP has tremendous clout as a lobbying organization. And NASCAR caved to their demands. Evidence after Matlock the jump.

Read more…

Cubs Accidently Ejected Longtime Clubhouse Guy

Over the years, many people have sought to find reasons for the Chicago Cubs’ 100-years-and-counting championship drought. The more realistic Cubs fans usually blame a combination of inept ownership and poor talent development, but that hasn’t stopped people from blaming, goats, curses, youth sports coaches, or even God for the team’s struggles.

Cubs equipment manager Yosh Kawano

(Tribute…or wanted poster?)

Not that we believe in any of that mumbo jumbo, but there seems to be a lot of truth in the old saying, “what goes around, comes around.” So when the Cubs’ security guards kicked 88-year-old retired equipment manager Yosh Kawano out of the clubhouse a couple weeks ago, it made it that much easier to understand why the Cubs never seem to catch a break. Karma - you’re doing it wrong.

Read more…

Favre To Undergo Surgery, Comeback, Indignity

We are very lucky to live in an age where scientists are beginning to unlock the mysteries of the human brain. Recent scientific research has confirmed that a person’s cognitive abilities - their ability to process information and make sound decisions - decrease as they age. Scientists have also discovered that the progressive brain damage of retired football players may be much more extensive than previously realized. This is thought to contribute to the erratic behavior and emotional trouble that many retired NFLers experience.

Brett Favre sacked

(Justin Tuck attempting to prevent Favre from falling over)

These events may also explain why, a mere ten days after denying all interest in a comeback with the Minnesota Vikings, Brett Favre is reportedly scheduling surgery on his torn biceps in anticipation of … a comeback with the Minnesota Vikings. Commence eye-rolling.

Read more…

Minor Leaguer Suddenly Has 100 Grandparents

When I initially heard today about a story of a baseball player who moved into an assisted living facility, my first inclination was to congratulate Jamie Moyer on his new home. But no, this is (sadly?) the tale of a 25-year-old playing for the Lake Erie Crushers of the independent Frontier League who’s just trying to scrap his way up the baseball ladder. And likes to watch reruns of “Diagnosis Murder”.

Josh Faiola minor leaguer in assisted living

In the Frontier League, players normally live with host families in order to cut down on costs. Well, it just so happens that Josh Faiola’s host family is the Belvedere of Westlake assisted living facility. And the residents are acting like Babe Ruth just moved into the building. Imagine having 100 sets of grandparents — and living with all of them. Welcome to Josh’s world.

Read more…

Bobby Knight Does His Best Tar Heels Impression

THE SPORTS HERNIA bring us this screengrab of Bob Knight looking like he’s about to keel over and go all Charlton Heston on us following the Tar Heels’ defeat at the hands of the Jayhawks last night.

bob knight espn trance

I can imagine Dick Vitale, recently at death’s door himself with a cancer diagnosis, trying to revive Knight. “Hey, Bobby, baby! It’s not check-out time yet! I know! I know! Psycho T and North Carolina aren’t going to the title game! I need an ACC team to overhype! Stay away from the light! It’s not really that awesome!