College football fans will likely recall Matt Vasgersian’s epic call of Owen Schmitt’s touchdown in West Virginia’s upset win over Oklahoma in the 2007 Fiesta Bowl. As the burly Schmitt barreled down the sideline en route to a long touchdown, Vasgersian yelled, “Like a runaway beer truck!”
(This isn’t a mugshot, but whatever his mugshot looked like is undoubtedly inferior to this.)
It was an iconic nickname in an era where so few are spontaneous and evocative, and one that stuck with him as he joined the NFL. Spontaneous and evocative, yes, but now, extremely unfortunate.
Normally, when we write about an athlete being arrested, our tone is some combination of mocking him for his stupidity, and taking him to task for his incredibly poor judgment. Sometimes it can even be a bit rote, a sports police blotter version of a Mad Lib. But don’t expect that in this story about Oklahoma All-American TE Jermaine Gresham’s arrest on Monday night.
Why? Because as the TULSA WORLD reports, Gresham wasn’t hauled in on a DUI charge. No guns were involved, and there are no girlfriends sporting black eyes or bar patrons missing teeth. That’s because Gresham’s crime was failing to appear in court over a ticket for not wearing a seat belt. And that’s it.
Last time we checked on Brian Bosworth, the former Sooners & Seahawks LB was caught driving drunk on his Harley in the heart of Hollywood. Although he managed to avoid any jail time, it was just another black eye for the Boz’s reputation, an embarrassment he hadn’t felt since starring in “Stone Cold“.
But every cloud has a silver lining, and the administrators at Putnam City West High School in Oklahoma saw Boz’s lousy night in L.A. as a chance to educate their own students about the dangers of drunk driving. (And Brian had some community service time to work off.) So last Friday, Bosworth came to town and talked to the teens about the terrors of driving drunk - and hopefully save a few lives.
It turns out the Boz did save a life, after all - by giving someone CPR.
It was just a few days ago that Texas unveiled that silly asterisk on their wall of fame, giving themselves credit for a conference championship that they didn’t even play for (yes, we know, 45-35), much less win. Well, Mack Brown said he’d had no idea what any of that was about and had it all taken down. Big win for sanity, yes? Please?
(Y’know, for being such tough football players, the ‘Horns are handling this with all the maturity and level-headedness of your average 13-year-old girl. Juuuust sayin’.)
Actually, no, Texas; there is no sanity clause in Brown’s contract, because instead of merely putting up a wall decoration that awards the ‘Horns the conference title with an asterisk, according to the AUSTIN AMERICAN-STATESMAN, they’re actually going to pay the assistants’ bonuses for winning the thing. Once again, Texas didn’t even play in the game, much less win it. But if the UT athletic department really wants to give away a total of $44,000 to people with ample six figure salaries, who are we to complain, right? Read more…
Leave it to Major League Baseball’s old and tired leadership to open half of the league’s games in cold climates, many of which will force postponements during the very first week of the season. While the proud and downtrodden denizens of Philadelphia should be have been celebrating the first professional sports crown in the city of brotherly love for decades, they instead found some of their press stolen because of a cancellation of the season opener between the White Sox and Royalsa day before the game was scheduled to be played!
That’s right folks, it’s baseball season, and it’s snowing in Chicago.
It’s ludicrous that a professional sports league that employs as many marketing consultants as locker room attendees could sign off on a plan designed to wreak havoc on the schedule year after year.
There’s a simple solution to avoid the annual cancellations, travel headaches and furious dispossesed fan bases: Play the entire first two weeks of the season in markets that are either: A) on the West coast, B) below the Mason-Dixon line or C) have domed stadiums. Stop kowtowing to the need for a New York opener and season-starting series in places like Cleveland and Chicago, and the season might actually work the way it’s supposed to on paper.
Of course, there’s never any weather-related problems in basketball, but there are plenty of crowd issues when the basketball is being played by women. If you tuned into the NCAA Women’s Final Four last night, ESPN would like to hear from you (they don’t believe the Nielsen ratings could possibly be that low) and Courtney Paris would like to apologize for crying so much the tears started flowing out of your screen.
Put those two stories together — the blown, $64,000 guarantee by a Joe Namath-sounding women’s basketball player and an utter lack of attendance (at least heading into the Final Four; no overnight attendance numbers were available last night) — and add in undefeated UConn’s seemingly inevitable drive to a perfect season, and there are plenty of fascinating story lines in St. Louis. Yet the bottom line, as it so often is with women’s basketball, no one cares.
That’s a shame. After all, when’s the next time an NFL great will have twin daughters playing in a Final Four, one of whom has an impulsively gregarious moment that costs him $64,000? When’s the next time we’re going to get to see that face? Priceless folks, priceless.
Somehow, despite the odds and ethical questions, a 19-year-old jockey is on the verge of competing in his horse racing’s signature event. If that doesn’t seem stunning enough, this is: Joe Talamo has already earned some $4 million en route to spitting range of his ultimate goal: the Kentucky Derby.
What’s even more amazing about Talomo, as first exposed by LAIST, are hisTwitter updates. For instance, check out these recent inputs from the rider of derby contender “I Want Revenge”.
“30 til derby: Am at Santa Anita. Worked out 3 horses this morning…Right Round by Flo Rida is my song of the day. Big month ahead,”
“30 til derby: just got home from dinner at the ivy and tim’s show. great night! going to bed. gotta wake up early”
“29 til derby: Working a couple more horses after the break. Then filming a scene at Clocker’s Corner for Jockeys. LA Times interview at 10.”
Hmmm, tough life you got there kid. Now, about that L.A. TIMES interview. Would you prefer a Bill Plaschke kiss up, or a clueless T.J. Simers job? Your choice.
Thanks to a tip sent to us by a student who attends the University of Oklahoma, that features a picture of Sooners forward Blake Griffin partying with 3 of his lovely little girlfriends and giving the camera man the middle finger.
Now, is Griffin signaling his draft position or what he thinks of the team who will likely select him?
Boringest is a word. Oh, it may not be in your fancy “dictionary” (whatever that is) or anything, but any one word that so perfectly encapsulates the five hours of brain-killing boredom that unfolded today on CBS is an absolutely legitimate part of the American vernacular. And these utterly drama-free contests sent fans scampering for the remote… or the Vivarin.
(Not even the rarely-seen “Reverse Bavarian Ear-Pooping” could save this snoozer.)
Perhaps we were spoiled by the epic ‘Nova-Pitt game from yesterday, but it’s always such a disappointment when there’s such a lead-up to such a letdown. MSU’s win wasn’t competitive in the last 10 minutes. But UNC? They barely even needed 10 minutes of their own to put Blake Griffin and Oklahoma away.
Oklahoma Sooners football recruit Justin Chaisson is doing it wrong. You’re not supposed to compile a criminal record until after you arrive on campus. But Justin is starting his off with a real doozy.
(Justin [inset] will have to trade the Sooner Schooner for a paddy wagon)
Chaisson, a defensive end for Bishop Gorman High School in Las Vegas, made his first appearance in court Thursday after his arrest for allegedly kidnapping his ex-girlfriend, driving her to the desert, and threatening to kill her with a screwdriver.
If the early games in the NCAA Tournament on Thursday were kind of a bust (except for the Memphis vs. Cal State Northridge game; sorry, no love for the “scrappy underdogs” - way to blow it, Matadors!), then the late games were … marginally more exciting. There was an actual upset, with No. 12 Western Kentucky taking down No. 5 Illinois, 76-72.
But then again, most experts were predicting that Western Kentucky would win this game ahead of time, due to the loss of the Illini’s starting point guard Chester Frazier with a broken hand, and the return of Hilltopper’s mascot from a broken right … orange blobby thing.
No, the late games were more notable for the near misses than the upsets. Take No. 6 UCLA, which almost fell apart completely against Virginia Commonwealth, nearly blowing a 10-point halftime lead and having the ball in the hands of Rams star Eric Maynor with time expiring and a chance to win the game. (Not the person you want with the ball if you’re UCLA - just ask Duke) Fortunately for the Bruins, Darren Collison came to the rescue, forcing a hurried, off-balance miss from Maynor to hold on to a 65-64 win.
Speaking of blowing a lead … poor American. Just like their namesake economy, their 14-point second half lead against Villanova went into a deep recession, and there was no bailout package coming from the government. Playing in front of a partisan Philadelphia crowd (thanks, seeding committee!), the No. 3 Wildcats rallied later to survive a scare from the No. 14 Eagles, 80-67.
(Note to American University: nice try in attempting to gain our sympathy with your name: the American Eagles. Why don’t you just call yourself the American Heroes Who Died On 9/11 Who Will Weep In Heaven If You Root Against Us? It’s about as subtle.)
Not having trouble advancing was No. 2 Oklahoma, who trounced No. 15 Morgan State 82-57 behind 28 points and 13 rebounds from star Blake Griffin. However, Griffin did have one moment of problems: specifically, when the Bears’ back-up center Ameer Ali decided to practice his armbar takedown on Griffin after they got tangled up together:
It should go without saying that Ali was ejected, and then immediately escorted to St. Louis for the NCAA Wrestling Championships. Ali says the whole incident was unintentional and “a misunderstanding,” which I would only believe if I was Billy Packer and he was a Duke player who just shattered Tyler Hansbrough’s face.
(Not only has Griffin had to deal with this and sustaining a concussion a few weeks ago, but remember the cheap shot he received from USC’s Leonard Washington at the start of the year as well. Either Griffin in such a pacifist than he makes Gahndi look like Genghis Khan or he’s going to snap and pummel someone to death with his sneaker by the end of the tournament. Maybe this explains why he feels the need to lash out at society by peeing in bushes.)
For those of you who are part of the 80 percent of American males who managed to come down with a 48-hour bug starting yesterday morning, your slate of games today look good enough to help you cope with your “debilitating illness”. There are several games that have “Upset Special” written all over them, which probably means that the games will go chalk all day.
In other sports news from last night you might have missed as you polished up your…ahem…resume for a Rhode Island strip club’s job fair:
Martin Brodeur might be the winningest goalkeeper in NHL history, but the CBC reports that he might be the losingest ex-husband in the history of hockey: an appeals court ordered him to pay $500,000 a year in alimony to his ex-wife Melanie DuBois until 2020.
It might be a sport played by drunk men with pot bellies, mullets and porn mustaches, but damn it, you must respect the rules of etiquette in bowling! The SACRAMENTO BEE reports that a dispute about who had right of way to bowl turned into a brawl at a Rocklin, CA, bowling alley featuring one man knocking out another man’s tooth with a bowling ball. <RUN FUNCTION TO READER: INSERT “BIG LEBOWSKI” JOKE HERE>
BUGS & CRANKS is focusing their considerable hatred on Reds pitcher Bronson Arroyo, and his decision to spend Spring Training living on a houseboat. Apparently, if there was ever a movie made about Arroyo’s life, it would star Matthew McConaughy. And it would probably suck, but your significant other would drag you to it because he’s so “dreamy” and “laid back.”
Your semifinals for the World Baseball Classic are set (yes, that’s still going on) after Japan’s 6-2 victory over Korea. The defending champion Japanese will take on the U.S. in one game on Saturday at Dodger Stadium, while Korea faces off against Venezuela.
Speaking of the WBC and your apparent apathy to it, LARRY BROWN SPORTS says that Red Sox slugger Kevin Youklis is very upset with American fans for not showing up to the team’s games at the World Baseball Classic. This means you, Joe Six-Pack: even if you’ve lost your job, your house is being repossessed and your kids are being forced to share the same pair of shoes, that’s no excuse for not coughing up $45 a person for cheap seats.
How about a hearty welcome to the MLS for the Seattle Sounders, as Drew Carey’s expansion team drubbed New York Red Bull 3-0 in the team’s inaugural game. But I don’t care how many games this “new” Sounders team wins: I doubt they’ve have a music video of their highlights as cool as this collection of highlights from the NASL team in 1975 set to “The Hustle”:
I know he’s only been on the job for a couple of months, but here’s a friendly bit of advice to President Barack Obama: it’s probably not a good idea to make jokes about the Special Olympics, as the CHRISTIAN SCIENCE MONITOR says you did on the “Tonight Show with Jay Leno” last night.
While we wait to find out what athletes named come up as clients in the Houston prostitution ring, the CHARLOTTE OBSERVER has news of another brewing scandal: a secret, late-night warehouse that offered sex, drugs and high-stakes card games to its clients. When the club was raided, at least one former NFL player was there, and other athletes are said to be “frequent patrons.”
Yawn: another day, another LeBron James triple-double, going for 26 points, 11 rebounds and 10 assists. His feat led the Cavaliers to a 97-92 overtime victory over Portland as Cleveland tied an NBA record by committing only two turnovers - and one was at the end of overtime.
