Beltre At First Thought His Testicle Had ‘Exploded’

One of my odder Little League experiences was the cup check, in which all-star game officials checked to see if players were wearing their mandatory athletic cups by lining everyone up, and lightly tapping their areas with a baseball bat. Uncomfortably Freudian? Sure. But no one ended up like Adrian Beltre.

As we mentioned in Speed Read, Beltre took one for the team in an unfortunate place on Aug. 14 against the White Sox, deftly fielding a ground ball with his crotch, which was not adorned with a cup. The result was a severely contused testicle, or a torn testicle, depending on which report one reads. And it may have been even worse than it sounds, because when asked on Monday how it felt when it happend, Beltre said this:

“I thought, ‘it exploded,’” Read more…

Might Just Be Time To Buy Up Nutty Buddy Stock

After watching pitcher Nick Blackburn of the Minnesota Twins try to join the MMA frenzy Sunday by taking a batted ball off the schnozz, someone must have said aloud at Baggiedome, “Why isn’t the man with the bloody jersey sprawled on the mound area wearing any protective gear?” (That, or “How much blood does the human body hold, anyway?”)

Jock Strap Face

(”I wanth a masth. A matsh and my mommeh.”)

The journal PEDIATRICS has the solution, as recounted in the CHICAGO TRIBUNE: All baseball players at all ages should wear helmets and masks, no matter where they are on the diamond. Also implicitly mentioned: elbow pads, knee pads, Nutty Buddies, tights, force fields, ancient Roman shields, and 50 feet of bubble wrap. This will lessen injuries 87% and increase suffocation 14%.

And now that we’ve mocked it, onto why it’s such a good idea:

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MN Teen Grateful for Hockey Puck to the Groin

No Nutty Buddy could have saved Andy Freeman of Eastview High (Apple Valley, MN) when he took a wrist shot to the groin in a JV hockey game last January. His protective cup was no match for rubber fired in fury. He left the game and made a beeline for the hospital. All in all, it would be safe to assume this was not Andy’s favorite day on the planet.

Hockey helmet

This assumption became rather suspect, though, when tests revealed a cancerous tumor in his left testicle. That’s when his hockey mates rallied around him. After the surgery two days later to remove the tumor, Andy returned to the ice to find his teammates sporting testicular cancer awareness stickers on their helmets. That takes balls, gentlemen.

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Ex-MLB Pitcher Mark Littell Risks Manhood To Showcase Athletic Supporter

EX-MLB PITCHERS HAS THE BALLS TO SHOW CUP STRENGTH: Former major league pitcher Mark Littell is sure his new athletic cup protects players so well, he’s willing to risk the family jewels for it:

Littell is the designer (and guinea pig) of the Nutty Buddy athletic supporter. After spending nine seasons with the Kansas City Royals and St. Louis Cardinals, he says he concocted the new equipment while working with other pitchers during spring training.Unlike your other run-of-the-mill manhood protectors, Littell says his brand is more comfortable, since it’s anatomically correct. He further describes his Buddy as “wider, deeper and full of curves.” (Insert your own joke here.)

Mark Littell Cardinals Nutty Buddy

Under the tasteful tagline “Protecting the Boys,” Littell has christened the various Nutty Buddy sizes with manly monikers, like “Hammer”, “Boss Hogg“….er, “Boss” and “Hog”, and for the ample gentleman, the XL ‘Mongo‘.The cups are a bit pricey, going for $19.95 each. But what red-blooded, all-American he-man wouldn’t want to pay 20 bucks to see a guy get pummeled between the legs?

Chris Chambliss Yankees 1976 pennant

Littell probably wished he had such support back in 1976, when he gave up an AL pennant-winning home run to the Yankees’ Chris Chambliss - a feeling not unlike getting kicked in the groin.