NFL Laf: Breaking Down Irvin’s Nostril Breakdown

Current Ole Miss football player Kentrell Lockett Tweeted this NFL Draft and media analysis last night on his Twitter account:

Kentrell Lockett Tweets About The NFL Draft

(Account hacked? Katt Williams wanted for questioning.)

Lockett also provided an insightful observation about his former teammate, Jevan Snead, among other things. Read more…

ESPN Dumps Draft Devotees For Blonde Mistress

Last night I spent the start of the NFL Draft flipping back and forth between ESPN and the NFL Network before finally settling in to NFLN coverage for most of the night.

Todd McShay and Mel Kiper Debate Jimmy Clausen

(Dude on the left? A-hole, which is why I like him)

Why? Because ESPN left its big NFL Draft guns Mel Kiper and Todd McShay on the bench in favor of offhand analysis by Jon Gruden. Inexplicable when considering that ESPN singlehandedly built the NFL Draft into the popular, pop culture event that it is today by the non-stop propping up of prognostication by Kiper and now McShay.

Once I realized that Kiper and McShay were being shoved aside by ESPN to placate Gruden’s ego, I turned to NFL Network, which spent most of the night giving viewers what they wanted, astute analysis from draft expert Mike Mayock.

So why did ESPN flip the script? The network is doing all it can to keep Gruden from returning to the NFL, so it showcased the coach on what has become perhaps ESPN’s signature NFL property. But in the process of doing so, Bristol betrayed what it has built into an astonishingly popular property.

I’m flummoxed by ESPN’s naivete about Gruden. Bristol execs somehow think that he wouldn’t break his current contract with the network if the right coaching deal came along. A deal that would probably include an NFL team buying out a portion of Gruden’s remaining ESPN contract.


So on what should be a triumphant night for a property ESPN basically invented, the network sent NFL Draftniks scurrying to the NFL Network as Kiper and McShay were mostly idle throughout the night.

While I know there are probably plenty of you who despise Kiper and McShay, ESPN has turned them into undeniable celebrities. So ESPN spends all this time building up the pair’s predictions, then shoves them aside during the actual NFL Draft coverage just to make Gruden happy? Though the coach could leave the network at any moment and is somewhat reticent about giving strong opinions for fear of alienating a future employer?

I’m not defending Kiper and McShay, more making a comment about ESPN’s inability to see how its being played by Gruden.

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NFL Draft Goes Primetime (We Don’t Mean Deion)

Football fans  love the NFL Draft. Fans know it, the league knows it, ESPN knows it, and advertisers know it. What started as a way for ESPN to fill offseason airtime has turned into a major national sports event worthy of only the loudest and most opinionated hype - wait, that’s true of everything on ESPN. But still, it’s a fun way for fans to spend a  weekend otherwise bereft of sports events (because who watches the NBA or NHL playoffs anyway, right?).

NFL Draft

(The hilarious new primetime series, coming this fall!)

But like a five-egg omelet, 64-ounce Big Gulp, Hummer H2, or like any of the millions of other examples of American greed and avarice, the NFL has decided that two whole days of draft just isn’t enough for football fans. Starting in 2010, the first round is moving to Thursday. If NBC thought ratings for ‘Parks and Recreation’ were bad before, just wait until Amy Poehler and crew go head to head with Chris Berman and Roger Goodell. Let the ratings battle begin!

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Jenna Jameson & Tito Ortiz Met Through MySpace

• How did porn star Jenna Jameson & MMA fighter Tito Ortiz first meet? It was through the modern miracle of MySpace!

Tito Ortiz Jenna Jameson

• The Nuggets sting the Hornets with a record-tying playoff blowout.

Bob Knight would appreciate it if the Dutch media wouldn’t f***ing ask him about the f***ing chair-throwing incident.

• Could you stand yet another day of the NFL Draft - in primetime, even?

Al Roker & Donald Trump have thrown some of the most fabulously futile first pitches at Fenway.

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NFL Draft in Prime Time, Expanded to Three Days?

“Who Wants to be a Millionaire” returns to ABC this summer for an eleven-episode “event”: Regis Philbin will reprise his role as America’s money tease in hopes of attracting eyeballs inexpensively with otherwise mundane content presented breathlessly.

Regis Philbin at Notre Dame

(”… and that’s how I parlayed a ridiculous catchphrase into a house in the Hamptons and a production shingle at Sony.  Now go get ‘em, Irish!”) 

Of course, ABC smothered the franchise a decade ago by discovering they had a massive hit almost accidentally and then riding Regis like a thoroughbred until the show collapsed from overexposure and shuffled off to syndication while Regis was sent back to his daypart pasture.  However, programmers never learn, which is why ABC (via ESPN) and the NFL seem bent on ruining the NFL Draft by expanding it to three days and showing it in prime time.

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Erin Andrews Gets Caught In A Cosby Sandwich

Erin Andrews spends the NFL Draft surrounded by Cosbys (Quan & Dr. Bill, respectively), and hilarity ensues.

Erin Andrews Bill Cosby Quan Cosby

(Can’t you just feel the excitement?)

Jacoby Ellsbury steals home, Red Sox steal three straight from Yankees.

• It seems that NASCAR won’t be happy until somebody gets killed.

• Beer pong? Budweiser wants in on the upcoming table tennis craze.

Kobe wanted complete creative control over Spike Lee’s day-in-the-life documentary about him.

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‘Dr. Bill Cosby’: The Joaquin Phoenix Of Comedy

I could barely watch Erin Andrews‘ ‘”exclusive” interview of Quan Cosby and “Dr. Bill Cosby” during ESPN’s draft coverage.

Quan Cosby Erin Andrews Dr. Bill Cosby

(Cosby interview now has Erin considering career in hospice care?)

Cosby, sadly, is now to comedy what Joaquin Phoenix is to rap. Or fences to NASCAR fans.

On the bright side though, I hear Ms. Andrews is now considering a career in hospice care.

After the jump, I’ve got a small tidbit on Ms. Andrews you haven’t heard that might be related to that engagement rumor. Read more…

Is NFL’s Mr. Irrelvant A Pitchman Or A Placekicker?

The NFL Draft has just come to a close, and one of the great traditions of the draft is the crowning of “Mr. Irrelevant,” otherwise known as the last pick of the entire draft. The “winner” of this honor gets to spend a week in Newport Beach and is awarded something called the Lowsman Trophy at an actual banquet that concludes a celebration called “Irrelevant Week.”

Billy Mays and Ryan Succop

And, I’m proud to announce that this year’s recipient of the tremendous honor is none other than… Billy Mays?

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Draft Analysts Have No Idea What They’re Doing

As if we needed proof that the three months of journalistic masturbation that leads up to the NFL Draft is pointless, the first two rounds proved yet again that all the mock drafts and preparatory analysis does little — if anything — to make the draft day picture clearer for fans. In fact, if you go by the percentage of picks that ESPN’s Mel Kiper Jr. and Todd McShay — and the NFL Network’s Mike Mayock — get right, you’d be convinced that you, too could be a highly paid NFL Draft analyst.

mark sanchez combine jets draft

(Analysts on Sanchez: 33 percent right.)

How bad were they? Well, as you can see after the jump, there were only three picks in which all three analysts agreed on the selection … and in which they were correct. Mayock was significantly off throughout — largely because he picked the wrong spot for Sanchez, despite being closer to Sanchez’s actual selection than McShay — and McShay had moments where he completely failed to read between the line (despite the fact that both ESPN analysts cleverly adjusted their drafts to include a Chiefs pick of Tyson Jackson).

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Bill ‘n’ Quan Cosby To Watch NFL Draft Together

Hey, ever notice how some unrelated people have the same name, like SPORTSbyBROOKS and Albert Brooks? Isn’t that just the funniest? If you said “yes” to that second question, be sure to tune into ESPN’s telecast of the 2009 NFL Draft and watch former Texas wideout Quan Cosby ride out the draft with legendary comedian Bill Cosby. Wait, what?

Quan Cosby and Bill Cosby Together At Last

AWFUL ANNOUNCING reports that the footballer and the star of “Leonard Part 6″ will watch the draft together in a New Jersey theater before the elder Cosby performs there that night, and ESPN will be on hand to record the hilarity for posterity. How did such a bizarre stunt come to pass?

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