Lindsey Vonn Embraces New Discharge Of Duties

From an appearance last month by Lindsey Vonn at the New York Red Bulls’ first game in their new stadium in Harrison, N.J.:

Soccer Player Picks Nose Then Shakes Lindsey Vonn's Hand

Perhaps Lindsey should borrow a full body condom from Elin for her next public appearance:

Lindsey Vonn Water Park Appearance

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Crew Proves You Can Win A Title In Columbus

You probably didn’t notice with all the football going on (Giants, cough, Cardinals, cough), but the Columbus Crew, the best team in MLS all season, won the MLS Cup this afternoon, 3-1, in sunny Southern California. While MLS Commissioner Don Garber was busy brushing up his Spanish accent so he could pronounce Guillermo Barros Schelotto, the Crew was busy dismantling an overmatched New York Red Bulls team that probably didn’t deserve to be there in the first place.

columbuscrewmlscup

(This is what it’s supposed to look like, Ohio State.)

It’s a good story for American soccer fans, because the Crew has built itself up the right way, sticking with their plan and coach and augmenting a talented core, including longtime captain Frankie Hejduk, with one surprising international star (the aforementioned Barros Schelotto). But this title is even more important for the city of Columbus itself, providing a means of escape from two of the most embarrassing performances in collegiate national championship history.

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Speed Read: Is This Good Enough, Boston Fans?

Cheer up, Boston sports fans. Sure, the Red Sox might have brought you to the brink of exaltation only to send you crashing to the ground like to some junkie with a packet of methadone, but at least the Patriots have kept your hopes adrift for another week with their 41-7 win over the Denver Broncos on Monday night.

Randy Moss

Sure, this might have been a performance against the same team that lost to the putrid Kansas City Chiefs, but it’s something to be proud of, right?  Rodney Harrison might have blown his knee out, a crippling blow to a depleted Patriots secondary, but come on…: did you see Matt Cassel? He’s the second coming of Tom Brady, the wa y he hooked up with Randy Moss. Right? Right???

New 49ers Coach Mike Singletary

New England fans, I’ll let you slepp on your false sense of security for now. At least ou aren’t 49ers fans, who have seen their team go from playoff contenders to also-rans in the course of a few short weeks. Which means that head coach Mike Nolan is gone, replaced by Mike Singletary, who will at least kill his team with his eyes. The eyes, the eyes, oh Lord the eyes!

Here’s what else happened last night while you were out raging against the machine with Tim McGraw:

Gina Carano

How many wins will the Patriots end up with?

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Pair of Red Bulls Crash With Drug Suspensions

I guess it was only a matter of time before a performance-enhancing drug scandal rocked the world of American soccer. I, for one, am glad that they are ridding everybody else’s national pastime of PEDs. The last thing we need is MLS becoming more entertaining.

Jon Coway of New York Red Bulls

With two games remaining in the regular season, Jon Conway and Jeff Parke of the New York Red Bulls were suspended for 10 games and docked 10% of their annual salary for testing positive for some supplement you can buy at your local gym. Because there’s nothing more despicable than our professional athletes going to the store and buying things that the rest of us can.

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Blog Jam: Michael Phelps’ Thug Motivation 101