You! Yes, you, with the comically small amount of money! Would you like to attend an actual “sporting event” with “nationally recognized teams” and the possibility of seeing a “professional sports superstar”? Fret not! SbB@3 will put you in the cheapest seats imaginable, so you can have the privilege of squinting at millionaires who gave up on their season… often before it even began!

Our first special sporting event comes from sunny Los Angeles, the city where even the ugly people are beautiful. There resides sporting’s pre-eminent international man of intrigue, David Beckham. What would you pay to watch the superstar reinvent the sport of soccer for this great country? $500? $1,000? $55,000? Nay, nay, and nay!

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Some Web sites offer you “insider” information on which teams to put money on during the week’s big football games. But only Sports by Brooks has the ultimate insider: Jesus Christ. That’s right, each week Our Lord and Savior will descend from Heaven to offer His insight into the week’s top games. And with over 60 percent of all college and NFL players attributing their success to Him, no one is more qualified to pick winners.

I know a lot of people wrote into me (bigbettinjc@godmail.com) to give me grief for going 2-3 last weekend. To the people who doubt my wisdom, I can just say that this is a journey and not a short trip. Or as Proverbs 19:11 says, “A man’s wisdom gives him patience; it is to his glory to overlook an offense.” So instead of asking how your picks did, we’ll just use our knowledge gleaned from last week’s games to make better picks.

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What was the best part of playing sports while you were growing up? The camaraderie of participating in team sports with friends both new and old? The thrill of competition? Those badass uniforms that sometimes bore the actual name and logo of a real pro franchise? No, no, no, and definitely no. We played for the snacks, baby.

(From suicide sprints to suicide Sno-Cones. Everyone’s a winner here, folks.)

But that’s small-time athletics, y’know, and all part of the “hey everyone gets to play” low levels of competition. When it comes to real D-I, big-money sports like football, though, things are on a whole different level when it comes to nutrition and other ways of taking care of athletes. Well, everywhere except New Mexico State University.

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A WAC tournament semifinal game turned watchable last night, as the mascots of Utah State and New Mexico State got into a little tussle with seven seconds left in a one point game. The trouble seems to have started when a fan put a $100 bounty on the New Mexico State mascot’s mustache.

(It is a fine mustache. Er, was.)

What followed was an epic showdown between (foam) man and (foam) beast, unrivaled by anything save that time I saw the Temple Owl roll the Syracuse Orange halfway down a football field.

[Update:] Now with video, after the jump!

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Now, I’ve always been a huge New Mexico State fan, even with the departure of basketball’s most punctual coach, Reggie Theus.

But this gives me even more reason to book a one-way Southwest (business select) ticket to Las Cruces. Go you hairy Ags!

You have to give Mike D’Antoni credit for trying something innovative, even if it didn’t work out. For the second straight game, the New York Knicks rolled out their “Box and Zero” defense, which essentially challenges the other team’s best player to beat them by refusing to cover him under any circumstances. But just like against Kobe Bryant and the Lakers on Monday night, somehow it didn’t work out against the Cavaliers either.

Actually, I’m not sure what defense D’Antoni had his team running the last two games, but “none” comes to mind: a game after giving up 61 points to Bryant, the Knicks did the impossible: made another superstar have an even more incredible performance, as LeBron James scored 52 points in the Cavaliers’ 107-102 victory and became the first NBA player since Kareem Abdul-Jabbar in 1975 to score 50+ points as part of a triple-double.

James also joined Michael Jordan as the only players to have multiple 50 points games in the new Madison Square Garden. Any time you’re mentioned in the same breath as Kareem and Jordan, you are doing something right. And did I mention that this was the tail end of a back-to-back? And that the Cavaliers were without three of their players due to injury and illness?

And in case you’re wondering, it doesn’t get any easier for the Knicks. Their next opponent to come into the Garden? The Boston Celtics on Friday night. I can’t imagine what Kevin Garnett could possibly do to upstage Kobe and LeBron - perhaps pick Nate Robinson up and slam him through the basket while clutching the ball?

Raiders running back Justin Fargas wasn’t breaking any records last night, unless it was “Stupidest Appearance in a Hip-Hop Video.” Because if you are an NFL player, and you know the league is on the warpath about its image and substance abuse, I would think that appearing in a video with someone called “Yukman” as he smokes a blunt that would make Cheech & Chong quiver in their tie-dyes isn’t such a great idea.

But PRO FOOTBALL TALK says that’s exactly what Fargas did. And honestly, are we shocked by this? Not that an NFL player would be so brazen about assoicating with potheads, but that it would be Fargas. I mean, his dad was Huggy Bear, for crying out loud.  Just look at his dad:

Being shocked that his son is involved with marijuana is like being shocked that one of Bob Marley’s kids has a taste for the ganja. The video is up at WORLD STAR HIP HOP: go grab some Fritos and see it yourself.

While you pick the seeds out of your buds, here’s some more sports wackness from last night:

• What’s the perfect gift for your teammates after you’ve won the Super Bowl? If you’re Hines Ward, PITTSBURGH SPORTS AND MINI PONIES says it’s a specially-embroidered Crown Royal Cask No. 16.



• THE SPORTING BLOG wants to know: are you ready for a remake of “Slap Shot”? Yeah, me either, especially since it’s from the guy who brought you “Fun With Dick and Jane.” As long as no Baldwins are involved in the making of this film, then at least it’s a start.
• It’s bad for a college football program when when of your four-star linebacker recruits gets busted for a DUI. But when that school is BYU? Yikes. COUGAR BLUE has the story of Kyle Van Noy, who won’t be playing for the Cougars next year.
• The WICHITA EAGLE wants you to look at the swinging watch and read the story of the high school basketball coach who turned to hypnotism to break his team’s slump and the school board that didn’t like it. Also, please send them a check for $500 dollars. And cluck like a chicken whenever you hear the word “beans.”
• That sound you heard was Dick Vitale openly weeping for the Duke basketball team, as the Blue Devils dropped a close 74-47 game to Clemson. The WINSTON SALEM-JOURNAL picks up the pieces from the wreckage.
• No matter how many times you ask Iowa coach Kirk Ferentz about the Kansas City Chiefs head coaching job, COLLEGE FOOTBALL TALK says he’s going to tell you he isn’t interested. Which puts him right there with Larry Johnson and Tony Gonzalez in terms of people who don’t want to be involved with the Chiefs.
• Blah blah blah the LOS ANGELES TIMES says David Beckham wants to stay at AC Milan full time yada yada yada please go away now.
• The LAS CRUCES SUN-NEWS reports that New Mexico State freshman forward Terrance Joyner was arrested at the El Paso Airport - presumably on his way to fly out to play Utah State tonight - with two ounces of marijuana. Maybe he and Justin Fargas can start a comedy team?
• A bizarre story from the TELEGRAPH: a man finds an iPod belonging to a Manchester City soccer player, and tries to charge him thousands of dollars to get it back. But police say there is no “sensitive material” on the iPod. Really?
• The DALLAS MORNING NEWS speaks with Dan Reeves after he joined the Cowboys as a consultant and then abruptly left. Or didn’t. It’s realy confusing - old people are weird.

The conventional wisdom is that the Pac-10 was having an exceedingly down year. In fact, that’s probably the main reason that USC was left out of the National Championship discussion: their one loss against a Pac-10 school was far worse than a loss to an SEC or Big 12 team.

So what do we make of Oregon’s 42-31 victory over Oklahoma State in last night’s Holiday Bowl? Yes, the Ducks featured an explosive offense, which you would expect from an Oregon team and is apparently mandatory to play in the Holiday Bowl. But the story was their defense in the second half, which put the clamps on the Cowboys’ star QB Zac Robinson.

How physical were they? DR. SATURDAY has some video evidence from YouTube of just one of the many big hits Robinson took in the second half:

It was just a big day all around for Oregon sports teams. Along with the Ducks winning the Holiday Bowl, the Portland Trail Blazers did the improbable on Tuesday night, taking out the defending champion Boston Celtics 91-86 without the services of injured All-Star guard Brandon Roy.

Keeping in mind it might be foolish for the Celtics to start panicking now - they are still 28-5 - but they have lost three of four. Oh hell, where the fun of having a sense of perspective: between this, the Patriots missing the playoffs and the Red Sox getting rejected by Mark Teixeira, let’s start wildly speculating about the end of the Boston sports dynasty.

Other sports news that happened as you prepare to get your drank on tonight:

• LeBron James’ birthday wasn’t as successful as he would have liked, as he lost his showdown with Dwayne Wade’s Heat 104-95. Somehow you excuse me if I’m not too sympathetic. Still, the game was a lot of fun to watch - NESW SPORTS has highlights of some impressive blocks each superstar had during the game:
  

• Most coaches are petrified of their players getting distracted by the glitz and parties that surround bowl games, especially if they are some place exciting like Miami. Which explains why the CINCINNATI ENQUIRER says Bearcats head coach Brian Kelly is debating moving his team from the hotel they are staying at ahead of the Orange Bowl because Sean “P. Diddy” Combs is having a New Year’s Eve party there.
• DIME WARS has awesome video of the Pistons’ Rasheed Wallace doing what he does best: taunting and baiting NBA referees. What can you say? The man is the best of all time.
• Wrestling legend/sock afficianado Mick Foley is upset with a Sports Illustrated review of the new movie “The Wrestler” that compared him to a homeless person, and he’s written an open letter on the TNA WRESTLING Web site about it. And then, for some reason, he fell 30 feet through three flaming tables to prove his point.
• The BOSTON HERALD says Red Sox slugger Kevin Youklis is in trouble with state officials because he hasn’t registered his Hits For Kids charity as a non-profit.
• Classic baseball fight! THE BIZ OF BASEBALL notes that ESPN Classic will be airing a memorable game from baseball history every Monday night starting in January to compete with the new MLB Network.
• The AFP has reports of deaths in Vietnam that you can’t blame on Richard Nixon: four people were killed and more than 400 injured on the roads following evening-long celebrations of the country’s win in a regional soccer tournament.
• An ugly story: ARKANSASSPORTS360.com says that former Razorbacks fullback Mark Pierce may have been the driver in a DWI crash that ended in a fatality on Tuesday. Add this to the British soccer player accused in a deadly crash, and you’ve got a holiday week of suck.
• The LA TIMES reports that UCLA defensive coordinator DeWayne Walker, long considered to be a prime candidate for a head coaching job somewhere, is finally going to get his chance at New Mexico State. Of the seven African American head coaches in the FBS, two are in the state of New Mexico.
• More from the Danny Villa mess: the BOSTON HERALD says that his wife has filed divorce papers against the disgraced former NFL player and HS football coach accused of raping an underage student. Hope he has a good divorce lawyer.

If you needed a sign about how little respect Pete Carroll has for UCLA ahead of their rivalry game this Saturday, consider this nugget from the ORANGE COUNTY REGISTER: the Trojans are going to be wearing their home Cardinal and Gold uniforms for the game, even though it’s going to cost them a time out each half.

It’s a throwback to a tradition of both teams in the Crosstown Rivalry wearing their home uniforms that lasted until 1982, when it was stopped by the No-Fun Police of the NCAA. Carroll has had a jones to restart it since he’s been at USC, and he’s apparently willing to lose a pair of time outs to make this happen.

You don’t do this unless you are a 33-point favorite against a team whose offense scored four touchdowns for the other team last week, and you don’t have a chance in making it to the National Title game. I guess the football monopoly in Los Angeles isn’t quite over yet…

Meanwhile, the NFL game that no one wanted to see turned out to not be very good. The Houston Texans made their first-ever appearance on Monday Night Football…if not memorable, at least successful, beating the similarly hapless Jacksonville Jaguars 30-17.

Steve Slaton rushed for a pair of TDs, and Mario Williams had three sacks while continuing to make you wonder just how lousy the Texans would be if they had drafted bust Reggie Bush instead of him.

Other stories to consider while thanking God that this isn’t your son:

• NBA cheerleader scandal alert: DON CHAVEZ has a Cavaliers’ cheerleader caught in a bubble bath with a female friend. As you would hope, some of the pictures are more NSFW than others.



• If Lance Armstrong wants to make me care about his Tour de France comeback, he should try racing while riding one of GIZMODO’s 10 Most Insane Concept Bikes. If he can win with a bike made out of cardboard, then I’ll be impressed.
• Sure, Plaxico Burress might have shot himself in the leg, but did he crash through a glass table while dreaming of spiders? COMPLEX counts down the Top 5 Most Infamous Self-Inflicted Athlete Injuries.
• According to ESPN, Hal Mumme is not so much the coach at New Mexico State anymore. Next destination for Charlie Weis?
• JUICED SPORTS BLOG has the answers to why Stephon Marbury has been a cancer everywhere he’s been. Turns out he’s a jerk.
• TRUE HOOP breaks down the genesis of Allen Iverson’s crossover (patent pending).
• Hubert “Pit” Martin, a four-time all-star with the Chicago Blackhawks in the 1960s and 1970s, was killed on Sunday when his snowmobile plunged through an ice-covered lake in Canada, according to TSN.
• Topping the list of ways not to die, from FLORIDA SPORTSMAN MAGAZINE: being dragged under water by my boat’s anchor rope as my son looks on. This is why I don’t own a boat (or have a son).
• Want to buy Mike Francesa’s four-bedroom house in Manhasset, NY? BOB’S BLITZ says it can be yours for the cool price of $2.9 million.
• The WNBA is doing great - people are gaga for women’s basketball. Never mind the fact that the Houston Comets - the team that won the league’s first four championships - are folding. KHOU-TV has all the gory details.

As a player in the NFL there isn’t much that’s guaranteed in your career. If you sign that $60 million contract, while you get to keep your signing bonus, your team can cut you at any time and not owe you anything more. Of course, unless you’re an early round draft pick, you don’t get one of those nice signing bonuses.

Take the tale of Courtney Bryan. Courtney came out of New Mexico State last season and went undrafted before signing as a free agent with the Miami Dolphins. He played in 12 games with the team making 11 tackles before being cut by Bill Parcells back in September. He worked out for a few other teams but nobody signed him to a deal because he’d played too much to be able to sneak him onto a practice squad. So when he couldn’t get a contract Courtney decided he’d go back to school and finish getting his degree since he was only 11 credits short. Unfortunately the registration deadline at NMSU had already passed and Bryan couldn’t get back in.

So he did what anybody else would do who couldn’t get a job or go back to school.  He got a job at Arby’s.

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BODY OIL, BAD STACHE ASIDE, THEUS’ AGGIES FLYIN’ HIGH: One of the feel good stories of college basketball this season is the New Mexico State Aggies. Once the downtrodden team of the WAC, NMSU is 21-6 this season.

The mastermind behind the turnaround is Reggie Theus. Yes, the former NBA pretty boy and “Coach Bill Fuller” from that mid-90s NBC masterpiece “HangTime“.

But the LAS CRUCES SUN-NEWS reports that lately, things have gotten a little out of hand with NMSU students during home games, so Coach Theus met with many of the game attendees at the on-campus student center this week to implore them to stop using profanity in their chants.Apparently screaming (in unison) “Nice shot a–hole” is a time-honored tradition at the Pan American Center.

Theus to the students: “Be creative, do your thing without profanity. There’s a lot of other ways to do it. I’m not telling you what to do, but if you do your part we’ll continue, as a team, to do our part.“When the former NBAer, known for his chiseled looks, speaks of “creative” fans, he knows of what he speaks.

Recently Utah State students held a “Reggie Theus Lookalike Night” as USU hosted NMSU in hoops. The look was based upon this priceless poster that Theus posed for back in the ’80s:

And thankfully, the memorable proceedings were captured, bad stache, body oil and all, on YouTube: