Ever wonder which of your favorite athletes will be unavailable to sign autographs in Heaven? In case you were planning on hobnobbing with Tom Brady up there, think again. According to one North Carolina church, he’ll be hanging out in the other pace. And they don’t mean Newark.

According to the Amazing Grace Baptist Church (Canton, N.C.) Brady, along with several other athletes, are headed to straight to hell. In Brady’s case, it’s chiefly because he “has an unwed child,” and “commits fornication.” But that’s nothing compared to Joakim Noah, who, says the church, is going to hell because he “Has long hair, which is disobedient to the Word of God.”

I’ve been meaning to get it trimmed. Who knew that a long wait at Supercuts would result in eternal damnation? Read more…

For those who can’t bear to subject themselves to the NBC studio shows, what with Football Night in America being so overproduced it makes T-Pain seem “gritty” by comparison, you probably missed Rodney Harrison continuing his crusade to turn himself into the court jester of today’s crop of NFL television analysts*.

(”Plus, dude, purple totally clashes with the uniform.”)

In this instance, Tom Brady had just thrown a pass in the pocket when he was hit in the knee by Terrell Suggs (and rather lightly at that), prompting a 15-yard roughing the passer flag at Brady’s demonstrative request. Afterward, Harrison took what should have been an interesting debate about the new NFL rules protecting the quarterback in the pocket and instead turned into an OMG controversy about just Harrison, Brady, and “manhood.” Oh, great. Awesome. Video of the play in question and Harrison’s “controversial” remark after the break.

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When Junior Seau said he retired to spend more time with his kids, of course he really meant cavorting with rodeo clowns and an enraged bull. Who wouldn’t do that if they were thinking of making a possible NFL comeback later this season?

I guess one’s resume is never complete without “Guest Rodeo Clown” somewhere in there. OK. But how do you explain to Belichick that you won’t be able to help during the playoff run because you have hoofprints on your ass? Video, of course, following the jump. Read more…

You may recall the Tom Brady-Gisele Bundchen wedding, v 2.0, this past April which featured an open bar, monkeys and intermittent gunplay. Two members of the paparazzi who hid in the jungle taking photos on the sly said that security guards hired by Brady tried to muscle them for their cameras, and then shot at them when they ran for it.

The photographers, Yuri Cortez and Carlos Avi, have filed a $1 million lawsuit against Brady and his bride over the incident. The claim that Brady hired a security force that wasn’t properly trained, and that the whole thing too closely resembled various scenes from “Romancing the Stone.” Anyway, here’s Brady’s reaction this morning:

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Usually, Tony Romo saves his worst for last, shining as the season begins but falling apart in December and January. But hey, last night was kind of a big game - it was the first “official” game at the new Cowboys Stadium, and it was a national TV audience against the arch-rival New York Giants. So I guess you can’t blame Romo for reverting to his late-season form and throwing up all over himself in the Cowboys’ 33-31 loss.

Romo threw three picks - including one that was returned for a touchdown - and generally looked more spooked than a race horse that’s just been hit with a firecracker. But despite this, the Cowboys actually led late, and it looked like Dallas might pull out an improbable victory. Read more…

All this week, one of the top stories in college football was about the resurgence of the University of Miami football program after their Labor Day victory over Florida State. They were ranked in the Top 25 for seemingly the first time since Bernie Kosar was behind center, and people were talking about how head coach Randy Shannon had turned the moribund program back into players on the national stage.

Which meant only one thing: The ‘Canes were due to crash and burn last night on ESPN against Georgia Tech. After all, they would certainly be dealing with a team-wide outbreak of swollen heads after their “program changing” win against the Seminoles. Plus, they would have to deal with the Yellow Jackets’ screwy triple option offense, which is tough under any circumstances. All the signs were there for a total meltdown: in fact, it had to happen.

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• Michelle Wie has her own blog where she can showcase some of her off-course talents - such as art work and wearing leopard & leather outfits.

• No one circles the wagons like the Buffalo Bills - mainly because they keep putting themselves in disastrous situations.

• A Nigerian soccer player tries to earn a roster spot by smuggling heroin.

• A furious female Canadian boxer decides to beat up some British soldiers because they were “being gay” on the dance floor.

• Successful sales of a 5,000-calorie burger fills minor league team’s coffers, clogs minor league fans’ arteries.

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You know the Bills have had a rough history when they can completely blow a game like they did last night, and you can think of like five worse that have happened to them over the years off the top of your head. Buffalo used a poorly-timed fumble on a kickoff that never should’ve been returned to come from ahead and lose to the Patriots, 25-24, in both teams’ season opener.

(These guys have three Super Bowl rings between them)

It wasn’t a completely devastating loss for the Bills (they were, of course, supposed to lose). It’s not like Vincent Gallo’s going to make a movie about it or anything. But at this rate, the people of upstate New York are just going to start hoping the team moves to Toronto so they don’t have to be so miserable all the time. They also should be happy to know that Brady told his New England teammates that he “knew” the Bills would let them back into the game late.

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Things were getting pretty uncomfortable between the Oakland Raiders and their newest acquisition, Richard Seymour. (Then again, isn’t everything involving the Raiders uncomfortable?) The ex-Patriot has been postponing his arrival in Oaktown, and the Raiders have been losing patience, finally sending Seymour a letter saying if he doesn’t show up in the next 5 days, he’s going to be suspended - possibly for the season.

Well, the NFL Players Association wasn’t too happy to hear about that, and they were ready to take action. The NFLPA said they planned to file a grievance on Richard’s behalf, arguing that the Raiders had no right to send such a threatening letter.

Um, on second though, never mind.

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Excited about the first regular season Monday Night Football game? Rodney Harrison is … um, does he realize it’s not on NBC? The ex-Patriots safety, now an analyst there, has some interesting things to say leading into New England’s opener with the Bills. Maybe it’s the human growth hormones kicking in?

Basically, says Harrison, Terrell Owens can suck it. Key quote: “I’m pumped about T.O. opening up his big mouth about the Patriots. It’s fair now. I can actually put a bounty on T.O. if I wanted and not get in any trouble.”

But there’s more.

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