NBA players’ infallible ability to find the closest Cheesecake Factory in any city has been well-documented.  However, it would appear no NBA player could make it all the way to that carb-loaded dinner without the second-most important meal of the day: bagels delivered by a rookie.

All over the league (even in areas not exactly noted for their bagel quality), rooks better bring the cream cheese and curved bread or else find their rides also carb-loaded. Do not mess with a tall man’s Everything bagel or else you’ll end up hiring Dontario Kane to find the culprits of car-based vandalism.

(Just a few more months, son… hang in there)

This isn’t the worst rookie hazing on record, by far.  The SALT LAKE TRIBUNE points out some of the NBA’s great youth labor abuses over time:

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• LeBron James & Carmelo Anthony just can’t get enough Barry Manilow.

And honestly, who really can?

• Beware, UCLA -  LenDale White is coming for your women.

• Tell ‘em all ‘Hookah!’ - Todd Marinvoich’s brother opens a smoke shop.

• The Jets finally outfox the Pats in Foxboro (or is it Foxborough?)

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In a story that won’t garner one tenth the attention that the Suns’ and Rockets’ awkward Greco-Roman gropefest “brawl” did, Minnesota Timberwolves rookie Kevin Love is spearheading a charity effort to raise money for St. Jude’s Research Hospital, the largest hospital system for catastrophic childhood illness in America. Their weapon of choice: autographed jerseys.

(The perfect gift, especially if the recipient is named Alexander.)

The Rookie Relief For St. Jude’s program has auctions open until November 20 on jerseys for almost all of the 1st rounders from this year’s draft (Russell Westbrook and D.J. White are still unaccounted for, probably because they hate sick children), plus several former 1st-overall picks and a handful of other veterans.

Even better, Love will match all donations up to a total of $12,500. So those of you with a kind enough heart to be regular donors to St. Jude’s will see your money go farther - in addition to owning a nice jersey that a very tall man has scribbled on.

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