I know, I know - aren’t ex-cons and Raiders fans essentially the same thing? Well, for the most part, yes, but it’s not that simple. You see, on Monday night the San Francisco 49ers had their State of the Franchise event in which they dropped a few bombshells on the Niners faithful.

The Niners haven’t had very much success on the football field in recent years thanks to the fact that Joe Montana and Steve Young no longer play quarterback. When you don’t have a good quarterback your football team tends to suck, and when your team tends to suck, fans start to become disinterested which makes it hard to finance a brand new stadium for yourself. So San Francisco has come up with a couple of idea that are sure to leave whatever fans they have left jumping for joy. And by jumping for joy, I mean laying on the ground in a fetal position crying.

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If there was ever a time to start considering some minimum standards for teams to make the playoffs, it’s right now. With the potential for both the Chargers and the Cardinals to make the playoffs - and have a home game! - with 8-8 records should be enough to make any football fan cringe. Has the NFL suddenly turned into the NBA’s Eastern Conference? Shouldn’t there be some sort of rule that you have to be above .500 to make the playoffs.

And there there’s the Chicago Bears, who are somehow still in the thick of the playoff chase after pulling out a 20-17 overtime victory over the Green Bay Packers thanks ato a blocked field goal with time expiring to keep the game tied. Yes, those Chicago Bears. The one with the offensive playbook that is less sophisticated than that from the old Tecmo Bowl Nintendo game. The one with no pass defense to speak of. The one with Kyle Freakin’ Orton at quarterback.

But here they sit at 9-6, with a chance to either win the NFC North or get a wild card, despite having needed basically every result on Sunday to go exactly as they did for that to happen. If the Bears pull this off, it will be a Christmas miracle the likes of which haven’t been seen in Chicago since Macaulay Culkin single-handedly fought off Joe Pesci and Daniel Stern.

The NFL in 2008: you don’t have to be good to make the playoffs, just conveniently geographically positioned.

Of course, the highlight of the whole game might have been during the coin toss. It wasn’t a total debacle like the Jerome Bettis coin toss against the Lions a few years ago, but it was pretty humorous. If you didn’t see it during the game, keep your eye on Brian Urlacher during the toss:

I think the referee needs to practice the coin toss a bit more. And way to not even have your eyes on the coin, Brian. Head on a swivel!

Meanwhile, the San Francisco 49ers aren’t making the playoffs, but they are playing a lot better under “interim” head coach Mike Singletary (and really, is there any way he won’t be the head coach next season?). And they have a plan for Sunday’s season finale at home against the Redskins.

According to the SANTA ROSA PRESS DEMOCRAT, along with the throwback uniforms, many members of the team will also be sporting “throwback” mustaches. Posted on the wall for motivation are pictures of great mustaches from 49ers past, including John Ayers, Ray Wersching, Jimmy Johnson and Roger Craig. Let’s just hope they don’t decide to imitate Wersching’s financial strategies as well.

• DEADSPIN wonders if Fox NFL analyst Brian Baldinger’s gross right pinky finger is getting - well, even more gross. Honestly, there’s no way to fix that thing? Maybe a pair of pliers?



• Along with baseball, another event on tap for the first month of operations at the New Yankee Stadium is an “inspirational night of encouragement“ by TV minister Joel Osteen. Unfortunately for him, a worker cursed the event by burying an old sequined dress from Tammy Faye Baker beneath the stadium during construction.
• Derek Jeter is hardly opening his arms to potentially welcome Manny Ramirez into the Yankees’ fold, telling the NEWARK STAR-LEDGER that the Yankees “don’t need” the mercurial free agent because their line-up has “scored plenty of runs.” Keep in mind, this is a team that let Melky Cabrera and his .249 batting average get more than 400 ABs last season. I think you could use the help in the line-up, Captain.
• What it is about Texas high school cheerleading that always seems to wind up getting some combination of school administrators, lawyers or the police involved? This time the DALLAS MORNING NEWS says it’s a disgruntled parent who says her daughter didn’t make the team because of harassment from other cheerleaders.
• The BASEBALL THINK FACTORY warns that you not to call Reds broadcaster Marty Brennaman and talk about Adam Dunn’s high number of walks. I suggest that we all call his show and demand to talk about that just to see if Brennaman’s head will explode.
• An undersized guard named Curry helping a mid-major team make some noise with a deadly jumper? RIVALS.COM wants the world to get ready for Stephen Curry’s younger brother Seth, who has been leading Liberty back from the basketball wasteland.
• Animal Planet has a new TV show premiering in February called “Jockeys,” about the trials and tribulations of the riders at the Oak Tree Meet at Santa Anita. It’s the most compelling story about little people since “Under the Rainbow” - and 100 percent Chevy Chase free!
• Drexel head coach Bruiser Flint missed the Dragons’ game against Memphis and his mentor John Calipari after being suspended one game for being ejected from his team’s loss to Bucknell last Thursday. The NEW YORK DAILY NEWS says it’s good he missed the game: the Tigers crushed Drexel, 87-49. Hey, at least Drexel still got their $90,000.
• Finally…did you love the Super Bowl Shuffle but wish that involved less football and more rapping about maple syrup and Grey Poupon? Then in honor of the Bears’ win last night, the Super Broker Shuffle is for you:

NBC’s Football Night In America sure knows how to bring the hard interviews to Joe Fantasygm’s television. Former Giants running back Tiki Barber sat down with current Giants running back Brandon Jacobs, and little-known Detroit native Jerome Bettis was at the Steelers-Titans game and somehow scored an on-field interview with his former quarterback, Ben Roethlisberger.

Honestly, all sports interviews should be conducted by former teammates-turned-journalists. It makes them so much more fun, and they can talk about the good old days when there were two or three years in their careers that intertwined. Keyshawn Johnson can talk to Terrell Owens while sharing a king sized bed, braiding each other’s hair and ask each other, “Seriously, isn’t it better to be like us than it is to be a fan of the game?” “Yeah, screw the fans!” [high five]

Barber was nowhere to be seen (rats!) as the Giants nuzzled up to home field advantage with a 34-28 overtime win over the surprising Panthers. Derrick Ward rumbled for 215 yards on merely 15 carries. A visibly crushed DeAngelo Williams was not consoled by Tim Biakabutuka.

Elsewhere in overtime news, the R+L Carriers New Orleans Bowl went to an extra frame with Southern Miss winning 30-27 over Troy, with USM’s Britt Barefoot doinking a field goal off the inside of the goalposts for the game-winning three points. Not only is Barefoot an amazing name for a kicker, as is his coach’s, Larry Fedora. Anyone whose surname is also a hat immediately wins trust in my book.

Four teams not named the Boston Celtics have 18 wins or more this season. One team actually named the Celtics has 18 wins or more in a current streak of basketball games. A 124-105 dismantling of the New York Knicks on Sunday evening kept the streak alive. This ties a franchise record, and it’s only the longest win streak since … earlier this year, when the idiosyncratic Houston Rockets won 22 before losing to … Boston. If The C’s can make it 26 in a row, the Rockets will get a chance to return the favor on January 7. The NBA: where looking extremely far down the road happens.

SbB: Where ten other stories I didn’t have much else to say about happens.

• NESW SPORTS finds an oblique mention of Ahmad Rashad making a jump shot for the Philadelphia 76ers, but no mention of it anywhere else on the Internet. Much like the fossils in the ground, God probably put this video on the tubes to test our faith.
• One more thing about that Celtics game. The BOSTON HERALD reports that Glen Davis missed the game after getting in a car crash on his way to the game, and his head broke the windshield. The accident was classified by the Celtics as “minor,” probably because their spokespeople are manly men who jog home from vasectomies.
• Now that the Lions are 0-15, we can now call Bizarro Mercury Morris because they are on his block. The DETROIT NEWS is asking Lions fans — the ones that haven’t strangled themselves yet — put out an online survey asking what emotion best describes the reaction to this season. The results so far?

  

  Put that on a t-shirt. “The Detroit Lions: The Otherest Team In History.”

• We almost went a whole day without any Mark Teixeira rumors. Sheesh! Well, the Angels are pulling away their 8-year, $54 gazillion offer, leaving Tex with the Yankees, Red Sox, Nationals or Orioles as potential new homes. Two of these is not like the others. The MERCURY NEWS is rather sick of this bidding war, concluding he will sign “maybe with Baltimore or Washington, whereupon he will say the perennial loser that lands him was attractive because it offers the best chance to win.”
• The Phoenix Suns need a new point guard and are having open tryouts for the position. As noted by BRIGHT SIDE OF THE SUN, ““The six guys that will be here Monday are a mix of vets and youngsters ranging from the 26 year old Walker Russell to the 83 year old Darrell Armstrong.“
• THE HARDBALL TIMES reminds Cubs fans that, no matter how bad it gets for the team, its fans can always fall back on their pure hatred of Steve Garvey.
• THE 700 LEVEL has video of the Eagles-Redskins final play, perhaps the most climactic finish of the day in the NFL, where Reggie Brown gets stopped cold at the goalline, denying Philly the game-tying touchdown on the final play.
• Oh, Mike Singletary, never change. After the 49ers escaped out of St. Louis with a 17-16 win (after being down 16-3 in the fourth), the interim coach said of his quarterback Shaun Hill after throwing his third interception: “I was going to choke him.” Good lord. If Singletary doesn’t get hired back next year, he’s a shoe-in to become a New York Mets consultant.
• Now for a critical NHL All-Star voting update. Sidney Crosby rallied from 120,000 fake Canadiens votes behind to shatter the all-time NHL votes record and leads Alexei Kovalev by 280,000 votes. Three other Canadiens are still in the lead, but not by much. The anticipation is palpable! I can hardly zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz…
• The Cowboys might have ate it hard in their home finale but Jerry Jones seems content in keeping Wade Phillips around for another year, despite the game being a seemingly passing of the torch to Jason Garrett. The STAR TELEGRAM does not seem pleased with this. “Talk about your buzz kills. Not only did Coach Wade help ruin a huge party for fans and legends assembled to bid farewell to Texas Stadium on Saturday, he now apparently has another 16 games to bring his special brand of “ish” football to JerryWorld.”

I guess it’s not that surprising that the Los Angeles Lakers have started off the NBA season undefeated - they return all the pieces from the Western Conference champions, with a healthy Andrew Bynum to boot. But the Atlanta Hawks? Really? In its own way, it’s almost as improbable as when the Houston Rockets went on that 22-game winning streak last season.

Clearly, it has to end at some point, and you would think sooner rather than later. But there the Hawks were last night, going into Chicago and taking out the Bulls 113-108 behind a career-high 27 points and 17 rebounds by Al Horford. And their starting PF Josh Smith isn’t even playing!

Of course, tonight is a bit of a litmus test, since they are playing the defending champion Boston Celtics. Win that game, and then we’ll really have something. As for the other undefeated team, the Lakers matched the Hawks (who often do you read that?) by beating the Mavericks 106-99. Meanwhile, Phil Jackson is so thrilled that he’s thinking about not coming back next season.

Other live, local and late-breaking sports news:

• The BALTIMORE SUN reports that the Orioles are giving their uniforms and logo a makeover. Michael Kors thinks that they are “fresh and flirty” but Nina Garcia thinks they are “tired and stale.” What will Heidi say?



• Remember Michael Hodges, the ex-Arena Football player who was arrested last week after going nuts while trying to get on a plane? KNDO-TV reports that jail apparently isn’t treating him too well, as he’s facing additional charges after allegedly biting a prison officer’s finger off during a scuffle.
• The rematch of last season’s Stanley Cup was a doozy, says the PITTSBURGH POST-GAZETTE: the Penguins beat the Red Wings 7-6 in OT on Ruslan Fedotenko’s game-winner.
• The LA TIMES says that Lakers fans have more reason to celebrate beyond the team’s success: their local TV affiliate KCAL has decided to stop the practice of tape-delaying East Coast games this season, which was totally pointless and maddeningly infuriating for today’s DVR-taping, instant-score-updating sports fan.
• The BOSTON GLOBE has good news and bad news for Patriots fans on the Tom Brady front: he is back with the team while rehabbing, but is still being slowed by the lingering post-surgery knee infection.
• A good story from the golf world: a contingent of PGA Tour players, including Woody Austin, Jason Gore and Bob Tway, are heading to the Gulf Coast to play in a charity pro-am tournament to benefit housing needs for people still impacted by Hurricane Katrina, forgoing their usual appearance fees and other perks.
• Your new Raiders’ scapegoat? Offensive coordinator Greg Knapp, who has been relieved of his play-calling duties by Al Davis. Expect an exciting overhead slide show shortly.
• And speaking of Bay Area scapegoats: PRO FOOTBALL TALK says that head coach Mike Singletary and offensive coordinator Mike Martz have found one for the 49ers’ loss to the Cardinals on Monday night. Not poor clock management or ineffectual play calling - it was getting bad information from officials.
• First the Idaho football team plays with “I”s on their butts, now the IDAHO STATESMAN notes that players are calling the cops and having other players arrested after fights.
• If any college football team is going to have a uniform with wings, it has to be the Oregon Ducks, as reported by NIKE BLOG. But I would think that Red Bull would be a better sponsor.

Sure, it’s like talking about the least attractive supermodel you’ve had sex with or the dumbest brain surgeon. But after years of promising starts by dominant teams like the Colts and Patriots, maybe it’s time to turn to the Tennessee Titans, halfway to perfection, and just ask, “Really? You guys are the best team in the NFL?” Because it sure seems like of all the 8-0 teams the NFL has seen throughout the years, they’re the least impressive and the most unlikely to win the Super Bowl.

(Without question, the dumbest brain surgeon alive. Sure hope you don’t have an appointment with him tomorrow.)

Seriously, who have they beaten? Divisional juggernauts Indianapolis and Jacksonville, yes, but they are both on down years. The only team they’ve played with a winning record is the 5-3 Baltimore Ravens, who they edged 13-10 in Week 5.

Look at this team. Just LOOK at them. Kerry freaking Collins is their quarterback. Collins’ passer rating rivals that of the Lions’ QBs and the leading receiver is tight end Bo Scaife with 344 yards. Maybe after all these inexplicable stats, this is just another Jeff Fisher-led team where the breaks are going their way. Remember that Fisher once led the Titans to the playoffs without a single player being named to the Pro Bowl. Even the corps that play amazing are still under the radar, like running back Chris “Who?” Johnson, who leads the AFC in rushing yards (with no lost fumbles). Or the defense, which gives up less than 13 points a game, almost a field goal less than the next best team, the Buccaneers. Quick, name two defenders off the top of your head. BZZT. Thanks for playing.

So they’re just a tough, small-market football team that always plays well and is just over-performing a little bit. Good for them, but it’s not like an 8-0 start from the Colts or the Patriots, because then we’d be talking about them.

So now let’s talk about them. After all, neither of those teams are far from perfect. In fact, they may not even be the second, or third, or even the fourth best teams in the AFC. New England notched their third loss with an 18-15 defeat to Indianapolis on Sunday Night Football, evening Indy’s record at 4-4. This is the definition of parity. The previous two champions are a combined 9-7 at the halfway point. And what kind of final score is 18-15 for two prominent teams? 18-15 is the final score for a couple of rural Wyoming high school football teams where the graduating class is about 50.

“Woo! World f%cking champions! Burn stuff and throw other stuff that isn’t burning!” Once the debris is swept off the streets and the Phillies faithful wake up from their happy drunken nap, they’ll soon notice their GM Pat Gillick got dressed, exited the bedroom, and left a “I’ll Always Love You” note on the nightstand. He was always a gentle lover. Ruben Amaro will be his replacement as general manager.

The Phillies would love to have him back, but really, it should just be a rule that if you’re the GM of a team that wins the World Series, you should just retire on the spot, because there’s not much else you can do. Nobody repeats anymore, and even if someone will, the Philharmonics are not the kind of team that will. So it’s probably best that Gillick, after giving a city a badly needed championship, ride into the sunset much like the mysterious gunman Shane.

It’s also time to say farewell to another face, but not for the same joyous reason:

• Goodbye, Tom Amstutz. The TOLEDO BLADE reports that the beloved rotund football coach for the Toledo Rockets will be stepping down from the position. After a great stretch of success in the early 2000s with four bowl games, Amstutz’s teams have underperformed as of late despite a seismic victory over Michigan a few weeks ago. With him gone, who else will be in Mark Mangino’s weight class?
• Michael Rosenberg of the DETROIT FREE PRESS hikes up news that the winless Lions suddenly have a QB controversy between Dan Orlovsky and the newly-inked Daunte Culpepper. This should be fun, if not for Lions fans, then for the rest of the world. After all, Scott Mitchell is not walking through that door. (They changed the locks.)
• Wrigley Field didn’t have any planned expansions this offseason, but something in their stadium expanded by exactly one blue tile. It appears the “Eamus Catuli” sign was updated to read “AC0063100.” That’s zero years since their last division title, 63 years since their last World Series, and 100 since their last championship. The “AC” is for former Lakers forward A.C. Green, but nobody knows why. So here’s a picture:

  

  As spoken by HOME RUN DERBY, who I think we can credit with the photo, “00-63-100 might be the worst measurements in the history of measurements.”

• Ken Griffey, Jr. back with the Mariners? The SEATTLE TIMES says he’d be cool with that.
• DAWG SPORTS tries to cope with Georgia’s 49-10 loss to Florida in many different ways…
• …while Texas Tech, fresh off a dramatic win over No. 1 Texas, is the latest campus to fall victim to the cold, douchebaggardly, and illegal method of selling counterfeit tickets to unsuspecting marks. About 500 people bought fake tickets, many at about $200 each. Oh, and guess what? They have another home Top 10 showdown this Saturday against Oklahoma State. From now on, don’t buy any tickets that look like they were printed on the reverse side of AIG stock.
• It really wasn’t a great day in Texas for everyone. Jimmie Johnson’s points lead was slashed dramatically in NASCAR’s Sprint Cup Chase from 183 to 106 with a 15th place finish, and the FORT WORTH STAR TELEGRAM was there. Carl Edwards, who trails the defending champion Johnson by a still-huge margin, won the Dickies 500 at Texas Speedway. Maybe Edwards should start to try and twist in his flips.
• Just so everyone’s clear, not everything reported in Russia is accurate. The Toronto Maple Leafs are good, but the TORONTO STAR explains they’re not trade-for-Ilya Kovalchuk good. Leafs GM Cliff Fletcher had to dispel a rumor started by the Russian newspaper SPORTS EXPRESS DAILY who said the Leafs were the front runners to acquire the disgruntled star. So much for Russian spies.
• And finally, to prove how naughty the world has been, interim 49ers coach Mike Singletary says he’s going to scale back his rants from “amphetamine-induced” to “interim head coach intensity.” What did we do to have this taken away from us? Was it the jokes at the expense of a perfectly competent brain surgeon? Because I regret nothing.

When this week’s awesome story about new 49ers coach Mike Singletary using his first halftime speech as an excuse to show off his bare posterior - “for motivational purposes”, sure - we wondered what 49ers team member would have the brass balls big enough to leak this information to the press. Well, apparently Coach Mike wants to know the same thing.

Talking to ESPN.COM’s Mike Sando, Singletary let his disappointment be known that the motivational mooning story reached the public: “It’s unfortunate. We will find out who is leaking information out of the locker room because what happens in the locker room should be sacred and stay there.” But the most important question that Singeltary answered in the interview was, why again exactly did you pull down your pants and show your bare ass to your team, for the love of God?

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Click here if you have a strong stomach. Read more…

Well, it’s been one whole night since Philadelphia has won a major sports championship. I can’t imagine how Philly sports fans are dealing with the drought - based on Wednesday night, I’d guess getting hammered, overturning and then setting fire to a school bus full of children. If they are getting restless, the ticker tape parade is today, but the PHILADELPHIA DAILY NEWS says mayor Michael Nutter has one simple request: don’t “be a jackass.” Next I guess you want Philly fans to stop rooting for the Phillies, Mr. Mayor?

Also ready to overturn things, but this time in anger - Fox Sports and MLB executives, after the Nielsen ratings showed that the 2008 World Series were the lowest-rated ever. But don’t worry - Fox and Commissioner Bud Selig both want you to know it was all the fault of the weather.

They weren’t necessarily rioting in the streets of Cincinnati last night - although Thanksgiving is coming up, and that does mean the legendary WKRP Turkey Drop is coming back to downtown! But, beating a ranked team does count for something, even if it was only No. 24 South Florida, who played like turkeys again. (Ha! See what I did there? Professional writer, folks.) I like Bulls’ head coach Jim Leavitt well enough, but another collapse in the second half of the season? Going 8-7 in your last 15 games against FBS opponents is not good.

What is good is being 21 and having $57.4 million in your pocket. That’s what Andrew Bynum has after signing a four-year extension with the Lakers on Thursday. All for a player who has started a whopping 80 games in his career and averaged a shade over seven points per game. But he has that infamous “unlimited upside potential” that Jay Bilas drives into your head each draft, even if this probably means the end for Lamar Odom in LA.

• The only thing with more comedic potential than Mike Singletary as 49ers head coach? Diego Maradona, new Argentina soccer coach. GOAL.COM reports his first match will be Nov. 19 against Scotland. Given his reputation and history of problems, this is like John Daly being named PGA Tour Commissioner.



• Maradona could probably help the East Timor soccer team - even now as a player, since they are the worst team in the world according to FIFA. So as the NEW YORK TIMES says, they have to feel pretty good about tying Cambodia, their first game ever that they didn’t lose. They were dancing in the streets of…East Timor City? I’m too lazy to Wikipedia that.
• The MIAMI HERALD has news that Florida might be muzzling linebacker Brandon Spikes and keeping him from commenting on the upcoming Presidential election. Romeo Crennel approves of this concept.
• The 47-year-old man who was found by paramedics at 47-year-old Isiah Thomas’ house was not breathing when they arrived. The NEW YORK TIMES uses its esteemed powers of reporting to find out from police sources who this mystery man was.
• The READING EAGLE has word that Joe Paterno is going to get his right hip and leg fixed after this season, and that he plans on returning next season.  Somehow, Paterno is still in better physical shape than Greg Oden.
• The OCALA STAR BULLETIN reports that former NBA All-Star “Fast” Eddie Johnson has been found guilty of molesting an eight-year-old girl and is facing a mandatory life sentence.
• Remember way back when Colts vs. Patriots was the highlight of the regular season- like the last four seasons? SI.COM looks at a rivalry in flux.
• Someone get the NHL marketing team off of the ledge: the PITTSBURGH POST-GAZETTE says that modern-day meal ticket Sidney Cosby’s rib injury suffered last night is minor.

There’s something to be said about an eloquent halftime pep talk. One where the coach rallies his troops together, who have been bruised and bloodied over the first two quarters of the game, and using a type of screaming poetry to get them to pick themselves up off the ground and fight some more, if not for the outcome of the game, then for their own personal pride, damn it! There’s also something to be said about a coach who forgoes the eloquence in lieu of dropping his pants, turning around, and saying that his team played like ass.

The ARIZONA REPUBLIC has this juicy nugget from last week’s game. Embarrassed by being down 20-3 at halftime to an awful Seattle team, new 49ers coach Mike Singletary decided to give his team an extreme visual aid for how he thought they were doing.

Between this and the mid-game benching of Vernon Davis, we better strap in tight everyone. The Reign of Samurai Mike is looking to be a bumpy, and hilarious, ride.

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Danyelle Sargent guested on Dan Patrick’s radio show today to give her side of the story about the Bill Walsh-Mike Singletary interview debacle.

(Clip reposted - for now)

Sargent, who acknowledged that she was nervous about her first NFL sideline reporting gig, said the question she intended to ask Singletary was,  “I heard he (Bill Walsh) was one of the first phone calls you made when you decided you wanted to get into coaching. … I didn’t even realize I misspoke. … We did it again and it went fine.”

Amazingly, Sargent didn’t hear about the fallout until she flew into Los Angeles from San Francisco the next day: “I still didn’t know what had happened until the next morning until I got a text message from someone saying, ‘hang in there.’”

She then called the messenger and found out what had happened: “I never saw the clip  I tried to avoid the internet like the plague for the5-6 hours after I found out.” Read more…