Hey, Huge Surprise: Ortiz Denies Using Steroids

Perhaps sarcasm isn’t a noble trait, but we’re going to engage in it for a little while anyway. Apologies to those who thought we were better than that; we’re not. But now David Ortiz, after several days and close consult with MLBPA lead counsel Michael Weiner, has decided to tell us he actually never did steroids. Well, how about that! What a shocker! It must be true!

Dan Duquette Needle
(”Our secret is safe.” “Yes, Dan. Yessss…”)

That was the gist of Ortiz’s press conference this afternoon, which was - as we predicted earlier - several hundred words of nothing. Well, technically that’s not true; there were unconfirmable denials and beaucoup excuses. Other than that, nada.

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Ortiz Using Weiner To Explain ‘03 Positive Test

The “revelation” about David Ortiz’s positive steroids test in 2003 is about to be addressed by Big Papi himself, according to the BOSTON GLOBE. That’s good, we suppose; you don’t want that fact just floating out there without any sort of context or mitigating factors or anything.

david ortiz
(And if he gets nervous during the speech, he’ll stick his fingers in his armpits and then smell them.)

But Ortiz won’t be alone; with him is going to be MLBPA general counsel (and incoming executive director, when Donald Fehr hangs his cleats up) Michael Weiner. And it’s funny, because his name is Weiner. But anyway. Weiner’s expected to be there to “help clarify the complicated legal issues involved in the Ortiz case.” Or in other words, bloviate and obfuscate.

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Tears For Fehr: MLBPA Union Chief Steps Down

For the last quarter century, there’s been probably no greater figure in sports labor management than Donald Fehr, the head of the Major League Baseball Players’ Association and overseer of several momentous labor deals.

Donald Fehr
(Fehr, seen here at the Congressional steroid hearings admiring his outstanding ballpoint sketch of FDR proclaiming “The only thing we have to fear is Fehr himself.”)

As MLB.COM reports, though, the 60-year-old has decided to step down after 25 years at the helm of the MLBPA, however, citing an unwillingness to get involved in what promises to be yet another contentious collective bargaining agreement. Fortunately for us, however, he leaves us with one last opportunity for sophomoric jokes.  Read more…