Miami Legends: Ginn Is ‘Embarrassment, Coward’

Yesterday seemed to be something of a relief for Miami speedster Ted Ginn Jr. After being benched for dropped passes and overall poor play at wideout, Ginn took two kicks back for touchdowns in the Dolphins’ 30-25 win over the Jets. So while Ginn still has aspects of the receiving game to work on, he’s still a valuable member of the team and lifelong Dolphins respect that too much to not unload on him, yes?

Ted Ginn Jr

Well, actually, no. During the course of the week, a veritable Who’s Who of Dolphins greats were attending charity events, including hosts O.J. McDuffie and Bob Kuechenberg. The two, alongside such luminaries* as Jim Kiick and Mercury Morris, absolutely unloaded on Ginn, calling literally every aspect of his play into question. Kuechenberg, as he so often does, led the verbal assault.

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Pizza Lovers Around the World Rooting For Rays

John Keiley, owner of Johnny’s New York Pizza & Pasta located in Denver, is offering free pizza to the entire world if the Tampa Bay Rays win the World Series.

Tampa Bay Rays

Unlike Dick Vitale, Keiley doesn’t even like the Rays, and he has hair. However, just like Dickie V, the man who owns a New York-style pizza shop in Denver likes a little publicity, baby!

Should the Rays’ surprise season end with a World Series trophy, it would not only fill the empty stomachs of children in third world countries with cheese & pepperoni, but it would also be the third time that Keiley had to make good on such an offer.

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It’s Always Advisable To Have A Backup Party Plan

News worth repeating, now that your Giant hangover should be gone by now:

Amani Toomer will have to go somewhere else for fun, now that the Pats’ victory parties are off.

Amani Toomer Tom Brady Super Bowl

• Although he watched from somewhere other than his team’s sideline, Jeremy Shockey sooth-sees a Giants repeat - as stated in a FHM spread from 2003.

• Best wishes to ESPN NFL reporter Len Pasquarelli, who had heart surgery last weekend.

Phil Mickelson was having too much fun at the FBR Open to go to the Big Game, so he gave his tickets away.

Tom Petty tries to one-up Prince in phallic halftime show symbolism.

Tom Petty Phallic Image At Super Bowl

• SI’s Arash Markazi breaks down all the Super Bowl parties you weren’t allowed to attend. Sadly though, Heidi Montag’s rack wasn’t ranked.

Michael Vick will get to keep almost $20 million in bonus money from the Falcons. That’s an awful lot of prison cigarettes.

• Been hankering to see that “Perfectville” spot with Mercury Morris & the ‘72 Dolphins crew? Who hasn’t?!


That Perfectville Spot With The Decrepit Dolphins

We’ve gotten some emails the past few days asking where you can see the “Perfectville” spot featuring Mercury Morris and the ‘72 Dolphins. Here you go (spoiler alert - Garo Yepremian now has no hair):

Actually Tom, Turns Out “Plax WAS On Defense”

Decades from now, the quote that should reverberate from Super Bowl 42 is Tom Brady’s response to Plaxico Burress’ 23-17 victory prediction last week Wednesday: “We’re only going to score 17 points? OK. Is Plax playing defense?”

Tom Brady Quote Plaxico Burress

Burress of course was dead wrong, the Pats only managed 14 points.

As we get older, and we start to grasp our own mortality, we begin to quantify experiences. As in, how many more times will we get to kiss our girlfriend? How many more times we will get to grasp our mother’s hand? And how many times will we get to see Eli Manning become a heroic Greek figure?

When it comes to the latter, we sadly doubt we’ll experience it again.

But Sunday wasn’t about the Giants, it was about Mercury Morris’ home mortgage being saved from foreclosure by Robert Kraft & Co. The falling down done by the Patriots will make this the most harkened NFL season-ender in history, or at the very least a nice companion to Super Bowl III. But no one will remember David Tyree for it.

We’re also happy to report that football’s version of Macbeth may yet have an Epilogue to endure.

Tennessee High School Football Players Complete Undefeated Careers

TN. HIGH SCHOOL SENIORS FINISH CAREERS W/O A LOSS: Sure, ESPN has gone all ga-ga over the Patriots’ “Pursuit of Perfection”. But Tom Brady & crew still have a ways to go if they want to reach Maryville’s status of superiority:

Marryville HS TN 60 straight

The KNOXVILLE NEWS-SENTINEL has the story of Marvyille High School in Tennessee, who’s seniors just finished their four-year football careers without a single loss.The Rebels had clinched their 4th-straight Class 4A state title on Saturday with a 28-13 win over Maplewood. In each of their championship seasons, Maryville had raced through their schedules undefeated, compiling a 60-0 record in the past four years.

Maryville HS Tennessee football 60-0

Some of the Rebel players still have trouble believing it. Maryville QB Brent Burnette trailed off as he spoke, “Sixty in a row is unreal. To never lose a high school football game….“But some of them know full well the fantastic feat they accomplished. WR/DB Stephen Shiver won’t soon forget: “You know it’ll keep hitting me later in life when I’m 30 or 40 and I pull out those four rings and they all say 15-0 on them.”

Mercury Morris book

We wonder if the Maryville boys would harbor any ill will toward any other school trying to equal their amazing accomplishments, a la Mercury Morris.

Steelers Safety Smith Guarantees Win Over Patriots

STEELERS SAFETY SMITH SAYING SAYONARA TO NE STREAK: According to Anthony Smith, New England’s pursuit of perfection will peter out at 12:

Anthony Smith Steelers

The PITTSBURGH POST-GAZETTE prints some billboard material for the Patriots, as the Steelers safety promises victory on Sunday:”We’re going to win. Yeah, I can guarantee a win.”

Smith’s confidence seems to stem from the Steelers’ 24-10 shellacking of the Bengals Sunday night, inching Pittsburgh closer to an AFC North title.

As such, Smith also takes a side shot at Pats pass-catchers like Randy Moss, Wes Welker and Donte Stallworth, by saying, “I don’t think it gets much better than Cincinnati’s corps of receivers. We’ve already seen the best.”

Mercury Morris book

With close calls against the Eagles and Ravens in the last two weeks, Tom Brady & the boys have looked vulnerable. If anything is assured, it’s that Mercury Morris will definitely be bedecked in black & gold this weekend.

Pats Stay Perfect, To Chagrin of ‘72 Dolphins

PATS STAY PERFECT, MUCH TO DISPLEASURE OF OLD FISH: Don Shula was less than a minute away from popping the champagne, but New England kept a cork in it, as Brady & the boys bested Baltimore 27-24 on Monday Night:

Belichick stealing signs

The Patriots now move to 12-0, and are only 4 games away from clinching the first undefeated regular season in the NFL since Shula’s 1972 Dolphins.How badly do the old Finsters want to keep the record to themselves? Shula took a seat in the Monday Night Football booth for several minutes, and spent his time rooting for the Ravens.

Mercury Morris Hair transplant

And CONSTRUDA notes that Mercury Morris is still pissed about the Pats possibility for perfection. When asked before Monday night’s game if he would welcome New England to ‘72 Dolphins status, Morris replied, “No. Hey, listen, a husband always needs a wife.”As for the actual on-field play, there was no love lost between the two AFC foes - or was there? AWFUL ANNOUNCING found Ravens coach Brian Billick blowing smooches to Pats safety Rodney Harrison:

Nice to see such bitter rivals kiss and make up.

Mercury Morris Video On Pats Going Undefeated

THREE FINGERS OF CUTTY BY 3RD HOLE ISN’T A GOOD IDEA: ESPN put a bug up the ass of interviewed Mercury Morris, running back for the ‘72 Dolphins, about the Patriots’ quest for an undefeated season:

Mercury Morris

Morris: “They’re comparing them [the Patriots] to a 17-0 team? If they were 17-0, but I think they are like 10 games short right now, right? They got 10 more icebergs to go through in this titanic trip that they’re talking about. So far nobody’s made it across their except us! So we’re over docked here waiting on ya!“”Right now, they haven’t done that. Don’t call me when you’re in my town. Call me when you’re on my block and I see ya next door when you’re moving your furniture in. That’s when I know you’re going to the championship to play. And if you win it I’ll be dressed up in a tuxedo waiting on my bride.

Bright side: At least they won’t have to worry about a videographer for the wedding.