So they handed out a bunch of awards last night, and frankly, we don’t care. Until the “Academy” lifts their de facto ban on nominating sports movies with animals as the lead, we’re boycotting the Oscars and we think you ought to as well.
And as if you needed further proof, The Wrestler, which was probably the best sports movie since
Air Bud 2: Golden Receiver Rudy, was snubbed entirely by the Academy last night, as traditional Oscar-bait roles like “impoverished underexposed foreign minority” and “socially stigmatized overachiever” took center stage for the 90 millionth year in a row. But for Mickey Rourke and us, we’ll always have his exuberant speech from the Spirit Awards, which features insanely NSFW speech.
Oh yeah, he definitely did roids.
And there was one other nice sports moment at the Academy Awards: Will Smith, tripping over some pedestrian-at-best lines from the teleprompter, goes boom:
But back in the real world, we had another big individual performance: Dwyane Wade dropping 50 on the Magic. One problem–none of the rest of the Heat decided to show up, and Orlando ended up blowing Miami out, 122-99. Dwight Howard was the man for the Magic once again with 32 and 17… and this 75-foot shot, which didn’t count but makes me feel like it somehow should have. If you needed more evidence that going Berzerker like this was actually a bad idea on Wade’s part, the Heat are now 0-4 when Wade scores at least 44 points. The Eastern Conference is dutifully taking notes on giving D-Wade the long jumper all night long.
And speaking of notes for the Eastern Conference, Delonte West is back for the Cleveland Cavaliers, and that is bad, bad news for everyone else. The Cavs dispatched the Pistons, 99-78, in a game that wasn’t really that close at all; the Cavs led 67-34 at the break (!!!) and coasted to a jarringly easy win. West led all scorers with 25 points, including a 5-5 performance behind the arc.
Some more quick links to peruse while you face full life consequences…
- Remember the murder of Eddy Curry’s ex-girlfriend and their daughter? The man her family (and Eddy’s son) had been swearing was the killer has finally been arrested.
- Steve Blake racks up 14 assists in the first quarter, tying an NBA record… and finishes with 17 on the game. Slacker.
- Yes, Andy LaRoche, if the doctors tell you to do certain things to help your injured back, you should probably do them.
- Matt Kenseth 2, rest of NASCAR, 0. That’s probably not the way the Nextel Cup works, but whatever, Kenseth won again.
- Marty Turco may have registered the save of the year on superman Jonathan Toews. Or, in hockey parlance, “kick save, and a beauty…”
- As a freelance tree proctologist, I know this story is a total lie.
- One of the guys fighting for the starting QB spot at Nebraska just decided to transfer amid ominous “really can’t go there” language. Yeah, the NFL’s going to love that dedication; great idea, man.
- Jacoby Ellsbury is yet another sports victim of the Stanford money scheme, but unlike Johnny Damon, diversification means Ellsbury can still pay his bills. This sort of thing is yet another reason why I choose not to be insanely rich (cough).
- The Florida president thinks Urban Meyer’s the kind of guy who’ll just “burn out and quit” from Florida instead of taking another coaching job. To be fair, coaching a football team and fighting the Joker at the same time is both physically and emotionally taxing.
- Name one sports announcer who can say “this bitch didn’t mean a thing to me” (skip to 6:33 in the video) and not only make it remotely SFW, but totally get away with it. If you said anybody but Don Cherry, set yourself on fire.
- New disease you really wish you didn’t know existed, but thanks to sports, you now know about and can never ever forget: Eye cancer! DOUBLE FATAL ILLNESS BONUS: Same guy was the first major leaguer to wear an insulin pump on his belt. Dude, just admit it: God hates you.
- Garret Anderson signs a 1-year deal with the Braves after spending a long career with Anaheim. This is like when Willie Mays finished his career with the Mets, except if Willie Mays had like 1 good year instead of 15.