Football games are long, long endeavors. Battles of attrition. Game of inches. Field position. And such. The previous week, the NFL set a league record for most combined points in a weekend, which is exciting on paper. But this week, and last, a lot of games were simply horrible.

Half the games were won by more than two touchdowns. The average margin of victory was 15½ points. The “closest” Thanksgiving game was the Cowboys’ 25 point squeaker over Seattle. Week 12 wasn’t much better; last week’s points-a-palooza had an average victory of almost 17 points, with only three games featuring a single-digit victory. In a season where the median margin of victory is 10 points, the last two weeks have had median wins of 16 and 18 points. Hey, football’s fun. And it’s a never-ending cycle to find the good ones. You have to watch the 41-17 clunkers to find the 31-28 photo finish. Good thing I skipped the action today to go Christmas shopping.

(”It’s funny ’til somebody gets SHOT IN THE LEG.”)

If it wasn’t for the human tendency to honor anniversaries, not many people would connect the diametrically opposite incidents of Plaxico Burress and Sean Taylor. (Also, their teams were, y’know, playing each other.) A year ago, Taylor was murdered in his home. Last Friday, Burress accidentally shot himself in the leg. The location of the bullet wounds might have been remotely close, and they were both football players, but that’s pretty much all the two things had in common. Was Burress carrying a gun to protect himself in light of the Taylor murder? Well, maybe, but isn’t that what friends and bodyguards are for? He ought to be rich enough not to have to actually handle one of those firearms. We’ll all find out more when he surrenders tomorrow and talks to police about potentially carrying a weapon without a legal permit.

What’s Dabo Swinney looking at, other than seeing the “interim” diamond-encrusted plate being taken off his Clemson head coach office door? He’s trying to figure out who first reported it. ESPN! Multiple sources told them. WYFF GREENVILLE! Multiple sources told them. CHARLESTON POST AND COURIER! Multiple sources told us, but they told us first. Put them all together, and multiple sources have told SPORTSbyBROOKS that Dabo Swinney will be the new head football coach at Clemson University. You (might have) heard it here first.

• Arbitration time! Today is the deadline for MLB teams to offer cash to their free agents and potentially scrap some draft picks out of the process in the event the free agent leaves. Milwaukee could offer it to Sabathia. Boston might give it to Captain Varitek. The Royals could … let anyone with talent sign elsewhere and bring up some young people.
• Old-ish news, but it’s new to you! Warren Moon was on TV and mentioned that maybe the Patriots should trade Tom Brady and keep Matt Cassel. Yes, and maybe they’ll turn Bill Belichick into a French sous chef. That’ll show them.
• David Chalk of BUGS AND CRANKS weighs the odds of who will be SPORTS ILLUSTRATED’s Sportsman Of The Year. David’s a Rays fan, so you know who’s the odds-on-favorite.
• THE 700 LEVEL watches Derrick Rose block the tar out of Andre Miller’s shots last night. Chicago won 103-92.
• THE STAR LEDGER reports on Devin Harris’s 47-point barrage to help the Nets beat the Suns. 21 of the points were in the final quarter.
• Peyton and Tom have huge games against each other! No, not those ones. Hillis and Jones. They both ran for over 120 yards but Hillis’s Broncos trounced the Jets 34-17.
• With the Browns down to their last Dorsey this season, Browns fans are praying to Santa Claus and the Kwanzaa Llama for Bill Cowher as a head coach.
• The woman who had bathroom sex in the Metrodome (what a way to be named) is claiming she was victimized and would never ever have drunken sex if it was up to her. Hey, wouldn’t we all. That would be absolutely disgusting if she was date-raped, but there doesn’t seem to be any proof other than she’s embarrassed. Let’s all move on.
• So Lane Kiffin is the new Tennessee Volunteers coach. Neat. But will his daddy Monte, a Buccaneers assistant, follow him to Knoxville? PFT can’t get a word out of the senior Kiffin about it. He’s not talking. Lips. Sealed. (For now.)
• And finally, the Michigan State basketball game was delayed by rain. Wait… what?

You got to hand it to him: Matt Cassel sure picked the right year to work the legs of his Tom Brady voodoo doll. Not only does he get to ride the wave of talent from last year’s near-perfect team, but he’s also hugely jacking up the cash he’s going to get when he hits the free agent market after this year. So the big question remains: Where’s he going to end up?

Interesting piece of speculation by Charles Casserly on today’s CBS PREGAME SHOW [a huge hat tip to FANHOUSE] regarding Cassel’s place of residence next season: Depending on what happens with Brett Favre - who we all know could retire five times before next year - Cassel could wind up picking apart Belichick’s defense from the comforts of a Jets uniform.

That sound you just heard is Peter King having the largest orgasm/brain aneurysm ever.

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On Thursday night, the Gunslinger was almost out-slinged, but Matt Cassel’s best effort as a pro came up just a bit short as the Jets beat the Pats 34-31. Favre’s team blew a 24-6 lead, and somehow survived a miraculous game-tying touchdown with one second left that saw Cassel thread the needle to a diving Randy Moss, who just was able to keep both feet on the turf at the edge of the end zone.

The Jets, though, shook off what could’ve been a death blow and took the overtime kickoff right down the field and won it on a 34-yard field goal by Jay Feely. Favre tearfully retired after the game, then immediately went out and shot a deer.

Cassel couldn’t get the win, but for the first time it seems like he really belonged out there. In fact, he became the first NFL player ever (like, EVER) to reach the insanely arbitrary mark of 400 passing yards and 60 rushing yards in the same game.

One thing about the NFL Network. I know a bunch of you out there don’t get it, but doesn’t it seem like they have no microphones on the field to pick up crowd noise? When the Pats tied the score at the end, I could barely hear anyone cheering. It’s like Bob Papa and Chris Collinsworth are sitting in the studio in New York calling the game off a TV monitor with the mute button on. They aren’t doing that, are they?

College basketball is totally sneaking up on us. UCLA began the post-Luc Richard Mbah a Moute era by nearly losing to the Ohio version of Miami. The Bruins do still have Darren Collison and Josh Shipp, but they never could put the RedHawks away and struggled to a 64-59 win at Pauley.

Scott Boras is probably going to just accept that offer the Dodgers made for Manny Ramirez. I mean, it’s not like he’s really all that interested in driving a hard bargain. He wants to just get it over with, you know?  That’s providing the Dodgers add another three years and $105 million to their offer, of course, but that shouldn’t be an issue.

(”You want to have the biggest team in town, Artie? What’s it worth to you?”)

The Florida version of Miami beat Virginia Tech 16-14 to keep their ACC title hopes alive, along with everyone else who plays in the ACC. Buffalo beat Akron 43-40 in four overtimes to become bowl eligible for the first time since returning to FBS in 1999. Turner Gill is excited for his team, which he’s going to leave next month for a much better job. It’s official, by the way: the MAC is now more fun to watch than the ACC.

The Cavs won their sixth in a row last night, 110-99 over the Nuggets. The Pistons took the nightcap in Oakland, rallying from a 12-point deficit to beat the Warriors 107-102.

• Well, here it is. Proof that Barry Bonds has been living in an Arctic cave for the past year:

Actually, it’s a screen capture from a hunting trip Barry went on in Canada (two hunting references in the speed read!) with some guy who I guess is an expert on guns or something. YOU BEEN BLINDED has the video, which you should watch if you’ve always wondered what it’s like to hang out with a rifle-toting Barry in a wooden shack while he whispers things like “there it is” and “it’s coming” as dramatic music plays in the background. I can’t think of anything more exciting than watching some guy not shoot things.

• I guess since the Yanks aren’t going to re-sign Jason Giambi, they figured they should bring in a younger, less-roidy version of him. So they traded for Nick Swisher. Swisher is a Billy Beane prototype, in that he walks a lot and hits for some power, but bats like .220. SCOTT PROCTOR’S ARM (regretting that blog name at all?) likes the deal, as Swisher actually isn’t due all that much money for the next three seasons. But what’s with all these guys who used to have insane hair ending up with the Yankees, where they have to wear it like the guys on “Mad Men?”

• Troy Polamalu is saying that the NFL is “becoming more and more flag football, two-hand touch,” in this NBC SPORTS piece about the growing number of players who are fined for illegal hits every week.

• That whole “we don’t want the Olympics” thing the British people are doing? They didn’t really mean that. Everything’s just fine and dandy, says the GUARDIAN.

• This is what a 19-year-old cheerleader who doesn’t get kicked off the squad for drawing anti-Semitic body art looks like:

This is Kelli of the Jaguars’ squad. So please, re-focus your college-age NFL cheerleader fantasies on her. There’s more pics here. When did SI.COM just start running photo galleries of cheerleaders?

• Sad news from the blogosphere, as FIRE JOE MORGAN has decided to pack it in. Mose Schrute has to go back to tending the beet farm full-time.

• Nick Montana is a pretty good high school quarterback, says RIVALS. No word on whether he’ll be up in his room masturbating later.

• SPORTS MEDIA WATCH says the entire British Open will be on ESPN starting in 2010. Currently, the tournament is split between TNT and ABC. This is all about ESPN trying to drive up the fees it charges cable and satellite companies to carry the channel. That’s why they’re bidding on the BCS too.

• CHICAGO CUBS ONLINE eulogizes the Kerry Wood era in Chicago. To think what might have been. The Cubbies aren’t re-signing Wood because they’ve acquired Kevin Gregg to be their closer. The Marlins had to get rid of Gregg because his salary was pushing seven figures.

• Just stop, Evander. Please. No more. Nobody wants to see you do this anymore.

Patriots fans and fantasy football owners already know this, but Laurence Maroney is apparently taking a cue from his quarterback and disappearing for 2008. With a passing game in sudden turmoil and no real competition (Lamont Jordan? C’mon) for the starting role, Maroney should be putting up monster numbers this season. Instead, he’s got all of 93 yards and no touchdowns to show for the first five games of the season, and after missing Wednesday’s practice, he’s probably out again next week.

But it barely makes sense, really. Sure, Maroney’s got the shoulder injury, but he was playing through it earlier. Now, he’s either telling reporters that he’s dealing with “issues” off the field, or he’s blowing them off completely, skipping a media event on Wednesday.

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What a difference a week made for the Cardinals. One week after getting blown out by the Jets and having receiver Anquan Boldin get knocked silly at the end of the game, Arizona turned the tables and was the one putting the hurt on their opponents, in this case handing the Buffalo Bills a 41-17 defeat.

And I mean that they put the hurt on the Bills literally: Buffalo QB Trent Edwards was knocked out of the game on the team’s third play of the series after a hard hit by Cardinals safety Adrian Wilson. The God of concussions can take away and he can give, too.

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• In the most horrible of MLB hazings, the Padres’ rookies get dressed up as Hooters Girls. Isn’t playing for San Diego embarrassing enough already?

*Editor’s note: We’re sorry for sharing such a terrifying image. Please enjoy the following photo as a token of our sincerest apologies:

(SbB Girls Vanessa, Hillary and Kim make it all better)

• Ron Artest says Josh Howard’s stunning comments about the Star-Spangled Banner are an indictment of America’s education system.

• What do you do when your team sucks & no one’s coming out to the games? If you’re the Washington Nationals, you cut payroll by $20 million.

• Staying in the District, Agent Zero will be out of action until December, as Gilbert Arenas needs knee surgery again.

• No Tiger at the Ryder? No problem, as long as Boo Weekley is around to cause chuckles around the course.

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Wait, Joey Porter’s still in the league? Huh, I thought he had retired, or been abducted by aliens or some such because he’s been keeping a low profile since the Steelers released him following the 2006 season.

That might have everything to do with his new team, the Miami Dolphins, and their jaw-droppingly awful 1-15 record last year. Such futility quiets even the loudest trash talkers, and apparently, that’s exactly what has happened to J. Peezy. Until now, anyhow. With Tom Brady done for the year, Porter is seizing on what he perceives is a golden opportunity for the Dolphins to turn things around. Yep, he’s smacking his gums about Matt Cassel, and even hints at a Miami victory this weekend.

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One of the benefits of not starting a football game since high school? You don’t have to worry about getting injured by hard hit. Or in the case of Matt Cassel, worry about someone damaging your pretty, pretty face. That’s what the BOSTON GLOBE explores today, as they report that female Patriots fans are finding Cassel to be an adequate replacement for Tom Brady’s ruggedly handsome good looks.

Although Harper’s Bazaar contributor and fashion commentator Mary Alice Stephenson said that Cassel “isn’t Tom Brady” but he could be with a sharp suit, a good haircut, nice shoes and a pair of Levi’s. Which makes this start to sound like some sort of weird cross between Varsity Blues and the final 10 minutes of The Breakfast Club where Molly Ringwald turns Ally Sheedy into a stunning beauty by combing her hair and applying some rouge.

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Tom Brady, undoubtedly still heavily medicated in the wake of Blowed-Up-KneeGate, is fully capable of sending e-mails, apparently. And if there were any concerns that the galaxy’s dreamiest quarterback wouldn’t rebound from this setback, well, he’s here to quiet the naysayers and evil-doers.

NBCSPORTS.com’s Tom Curran received a message from the Patriots’ quarterback early yesterday morning, and it was filled with Deepak Chopra positivity and perhaps more noteworthy, denial-fueled delusions.

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• Need to make it to a high school football game on time? Just do like Rick Neuheisel does - call in the choppers!

• Maybe Vince Young knew what was going to happen when he didn’t want to go back on the field on Sunday.

• Sorry, Chad - no Ocho Cinco game jersey for you this week.

• With Brady bounced for the year, are New England Patriots fans ready to rally ’round the Cassel?

• One Colts fan bucks at the thought of paying $1,280 for brand-new stadium seats that turn out to have obstructed views.

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