So they handed out a bunch of awards last night, and frankly, we don’t care. Until the “Academy” lifts their de facto ban on nominating sports movies with animals as the lead, we’re boycotting the Oscars and we think you ought to as well.

(Sweeping the Oscars in our hearts.)

And as if you needed further proof, The Wrestler, which was probably the best sports movie since Air Bud 2: Golden Receiver Rudy, was snubbed entirely by the Academy last night, as traditional Oscar-bait roles like “impoverished underexposed foreign minority” and “socially stigmatized overachiever” took center stage for the 90 millionth year in a row. But for Mickey Rourke and us, we’ll always have his exuberant speech from the Spirit Awards, which features insanely NSFW speech.

Oh yeah, he definitely did roids.

And there was one other nice sports moment at the Academy Awards: Will Smith, tripping over some pedestrian-at-best lines from the teleprompter, goes boom:

(Click here if, lord forbid, you don’t get it.)

(”Nope, I see nothing wrong with 30 shots and 5 assists.”)

But back in the real world, we had another big individual performance: Dwyane Wade dropping 50 on the Magic. One problem–none of the rest of the Heat decided to show up, and Orlando ended up blowing Miami out, 122-99. Dwight Howard was the man for the Magic once again with 32 and 17… and this 75-foot shot, which didn’t count but makes me feel like it somehow should have. If you needed more evidence that going Berzerker like this was actually a bad idea on Wade’s part, the Heat are now 0-4 when Wade scores at least 44 points. The Eastern Conference is dutifully taking notes on giving D-Wade the long jumper all night long.

(Welcome back, man! But about those cornrows…)

And speaking of notes for the Eastern Conference, Delonte West is back for the Cleveland Cavaliers, and that is bad, bad news for everyone else. The Cavs dispatched the Pistons, 99-78, in a game that wasn’t really that close at all; the Cavs led 67-34 at the break (!!!) and coasted to a jarringly easy win. West led all scorers with 25 points, including a 5-5 performance behind the arc.

Some more quick links to peruse while you face full life consequences…

• Remember the murder of Eddy Curry’s ex-girlfriend and their daughter? The man her family (and Eddy’s son) had been swearing was the killer has finally been arrested.
• Steve Blake racks up 14 assists in the first quarter, tying an NBA record… and finishes with 17 on the game. Slacker.
• Yes, Andy LaRoche, if the doctors tell you to do certain things to help your injured back, you should probably do them.
• Matt Kenseth 2, rest of NASCAR, 0. That’s probably not the way the Nextel Cup works, but whatever, Kenseth won again.
  

• Marty Turco may have registered the save of the year on superman Jonathan Toews. Or, in hockey parlance, “kick save, and a beauty…”
• As a freelance tree proctologist, I know this story is a total lie.
• One of the guys fighting for the starting QB spot at Nebraska just decided to transfer amid ominous “really can’t go there” language. Yeah, the NFL’s going to love that dedication; great idea, man.
• Jacoby Ellsbury is yet another sports victim of the Stanford money scheme, but unlike Johnny Damon, diversification means Ellsbury can still pay his bills. This sort of thing is yet another reason why I choose not to be insanely rich (cough).

  

• The Florida president thinks Urban Meyer’s the kind of guy who’ll just “burn out and quit” from Florida instead of taking another coaching job. To be fair, coaching a football team and fighting the Joker at the same time is both physically and emotionally taxing.
• Name one sports announcer who can say “this bitch didn’t mean a thing to me” (skip to 6:33 in the video) and not only make it remotely SFW, but totally get away with it. If you said anybody but Don Cherry, set yourself on fire.
• New disease you really wish you didn’t know existed, but thanks to sports, you now know about and can never ever forget: Eye cancer! DOUBLE FATAL ILLNESS BONUS: Same guy was the first major leaguer to wear an insulin pump on his belt. Dude, just admit it: God hates you.
• Garret Anderson signs a 1-year deal with the Braves after spending a long career with Anaheim. This is like when Willie Mays finished his career with the Mets, except if Willie Mays had like 1 good year instead of 15.

Hey, readers. Hope you had a fun & frivolous weekend. But now it’s time to slide along another exciting edition of the SbB Clever Caption Contest!

Today we feature Kyle Wellwood of the Vancouver Canucks getting some major air over Marty Turco of the Dallas Stars:

But how would you describe this soaring scene? Submit your suggestions into the comments section listed below. Winner will be announced in the end-of-the-day recap, with an option to purchase some highly (in)valuable Phoenix Coyotes stock.

Good luck & good writing! But don’t get yourself airsick!

Congratulations to Kobe Bryant for scoring his 22,000th career point against the Indiana Pacers last night. Your reward? A total fourth-quarter collapse by your team’s defense and a head-scratching 118-117 loss. Personally, as I gift I’d rather receive a pair of socks, or even a gift certificate to Arby’s than that.

(Sasha - wha’ happened?)

The reason the Lakers blew a 15-point fourth quarter lead was simple: they stopped playing defense. They gave up 32 points in the quarter and six offensive rebounds, the last being Troy Murphy’s tip-in that gave the Pacers the victory. It’s the first Lakers loss to a bad team this season, but knowing the team’s recent history of falling victim to seemingly overlooking bad teams. (Between them and the USC football team, there must be something in the LA water.)

Meanwhile, Dallas Stars winger Sean Avery’s mouth has gotten him in trouble yet again. He’s been suspended indefinitely for “inappropriate public comments” after running his mouth before a game against the Calgary, specifically targeting Flames defenseman Dion Phaneuf, who happens to be dating Avery’s ex, hottie actress Elisha Cuthbert.

Here’s Avery’s comments. If you look closely, you can see his teammates praying for an errant piece of Sputnik to come crashing down on him:

A class act, that Sean Avery. USA TODAY breaks down some of his recent “greatest hits“, including his swipe a few years ago at French-Canadians. This is Avery’s first season with the Stars, but he’s already managed to alienate his team. Dallas owner Tom Hicks said that the team would have suspended Avery if the league didn’t, and teammates like Marty Turco are already sick of his act. And we know how opponents feel about him.

• WITH LEATHER wonders if either SI Sportsman of the Year Michael Phelps had his head shrunk post-Olympics, or if his head was just Photoshopped for the cover.



• UConn running back Andre Dixon might not have to worry about where the Huskies are playing their bowl game, as the NORWICH BULLETIN reports that his participation is in doubt after being arrested for a DUI.
• If you are Thomas Cole, a former assistant girls high school basketball coach in Orange County, and you are accused of having sex with a minor, you might not want to text her. The ORANGE COUNTY REGISTER says that apparently Cole felt otherwise.
• Could the Army vs. Navy game be moving to the Midwest? The INDIANAPOLIS STAR says that the Colts’ new home of Lucas Oil Stadium is on the short list of potential homes for the game.
• Vidal Hazelton went from USC’s leading receiver in 2007 to a little-used player this season to the latest Trojan to transfer out of the program, according to the LOS ANGELES DAILY NEWS.
• JOE SPORTS FAN gets into the world of sports humor videos, and they’re already ahead of the Sklar Brothers in terms of making something funny. Their first topic: EA Sports’ Adult Mens Softball 09.
• THE WORLD OF ISAAC takes you inside the equally bizarre world of probable Hall of Famer Rickey Henderson by recapping some of his greatest “Rickey being Rickey” moments.
• To the surprise of some, the ACC/Big Ten Challenge has actually been a challenge so far, with each conference winning three games. Duke won the marquee match-up last night, rolling past Purdue 76-60 in what FOX SPORTS’ Jeff Goodman calls an especially impressive performance.
• The lawyers representing Vikings defensive tackles Pat and Kevin Williams (not related or married) tell the ST. PAUL PIONEER PRESS that they are going to sue over their clients’ suspensions over banned weight-loss substances.
• With a season-ending loss to Oregon, THE REGISTER-GUARD reports that Oregon State likely knocked themselves from the Rose Bowl to a trip to lovely El Paso and a possible Sun Bowl date against Notre Dame. Needless to say, the fans are far from pleased.

Via FARK, we have located a dandy YouTube video of a prank that’s a bit less harrowing and nasty than the Phillies’ Brett Myers setting up the fake trade bit on Kyle Kendrick: the Dallas Stars took rookie defenseman Matt Niskanen’s Pontiac Sunfire and “pimped” it.

It’s all surprisingly rather low key in comparison — goalie Marty Turco isn’t going to be mistaken for Xzibit anytime soon, and the most amusing bit is that it’s not even Niskanen’s car — he’s been borrowing it from his parents. Rookie salary structures are tough things, aren’t they?