Japan Upsets US In Final Olympic Softball Match

Jennie Finch & the U.S. softball team gets jumped by Japan in the sport’s final Olympic gold-medal game.

US softball loses gold gets silver

Mark Spitz says he could’ve taken Michael Phelps - to at least a tie.

Jerry Jones pops up an idea on how to keep Peter King quiet.

Gene Upshaw goes to that great bargaining table in the sky.

• Chinese authorities have no problem sentencing 70-year-old ladies to manual labor. It’s their own fault for complaining about their houses being bulldozed for the Olympics.

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Olympics Take Their Horse Drug Testing Seriously

If these Beijing Olympics have taught us anything, it’s that the human species is weak. While Olympic athletes of the homo erectus persuasion are allowed to pop some Aspirin if they have a little ouchy on their tuchus, horses are forced to suck it up and play through the pain. Like men! Like horse-men!

Girl riding horse

(Chicks dig studs)

Our Canadian brethren, CBC SPORTS, has a story today detailing just how stringent the drug-testing policy has been during the Olympics. For horses, at least:

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Spitz Says That Phelps Wouldn’t Have Beaten Him

Mark Spitz didn’t get an invite to the Beijing Olympics despite being VERY FAMOUS. So, in those moments when he wasn’t high-fiving himself for being really, really awesome, Spitz did what any of us would’ve done: he went to New York City to pimp a Hyatt Resorts vacation package.

Mark Spitz

While there, Spitz, who won seven gold medals in ‘72, had some interesting thoughts on Michael Phelps, proud owner of eight gold medals courtesy of the Beijing games. And by “interesting” I mean “backhanded compliments that make me feel better about my quickly fading relevance,” of course.

According to the NEW YORK DAILY NEWS, Spitz reports that there’s only one man who Phelps can’t beat. Coincidentally, his name is Mark Spitz, too. Weird.

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Olympians Like To Have Sex When Not Competing

If you’re an Olympian in China and you’re there to compete in track and field, the first week of competition is probably pretty boring. Sure, you can root on your fellow countrymen in their individual events, or see the sights, but other than that there isn’t much to do. So instead you decide to get yourself out there in the Olympic Village amongst your contemporaries and start meeting some people.

100,000 Condoms distributed in China

Particularly people of the opposite sex. Sex between the athletes at the games is a tradition almost as old as the games themselves, but unlike back in the ancient Greece days, there’s a lot more to worry about when having sex these days. Nobody wants to have their chance at gold ruined by those darn STDs, which is why there have been over 100,000 condoms handed out to athletes in Beijing.

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China Protects The World From Ugly Little Girl

At the rate things are going, after Michael Phelps breaks Mark Spitz’s record of seven gold medals, he might want to make sure that the gold used in his medals is real. While the Beijing games have been spectacular so far, we keep finding out that more and more of what we’re seeing from China isn’t real. First we found out that during the Opening Ceremonies they went all Hollywood and used CGI to show us fireworks going off. The reasoning behind this was that without the enhanced computer graphics, the fireworks wouldn’t have shown up on television.

Opening ceremonies

So they just didn’t want us to miss anything, which is awfully sweet of them. Of course, missing fireworks isn’t the only thing China is concerned about. They also wanted to make sure we didn’t hurt our eyes during the ceremonies, which is why they wouldn’t let one girl sing during them. The reason for this? Well, she was just too ugly.

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Perturbed Packers Fans Cook Up A Fun Favre-B-Q

• Some Packers fans feeling burned by Brett decided to hold a Favre-B-Q.

Brett Favre is burning

• The Spanish Olympic basketball team poses for a photo mocking Chinese people. Wonder if they apologized by saying, “Me so solly!”

Bruce Springsteen may be doing the E Street Shuffle all the way to Tampa to perform in this year’s Super Bowl.

Michael Vick could have post-prison employment waiting for him with Mark Cuban’s startup football league.

• Swimmer Jason Lezak helps Michael Phelps (oh, and the U.S., too) capture another gold medal, all while silencing those French taunters.

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Spitz Wondering Where His Beijing Invitation Went

I wrote about the U.S. Men’s 4×100 freestyle relay this morning, and in the post I said that I think Michael Phelps is going to break Mark Spitz’s record of seven gold medals. As I’ve been watching Phelps in the first few days of the games, I’ve found myself wondering where Spitz is. He was at the games in 2004 watching as Phelps tried to break his record, but for some reason Mark hasn’t shown up in Beijing.

Mark Spitz

Is he upset that the one thing he’s known for is about to be taken away from him? If that’s the case, it’s hard to really blame him for it. I mean, who wouldn’t be upset if something they accomplished was wiped out of the record books? As it turns out, though, that’s not the case at all. Spitz wants to be in Beijing to watch Phelps. If Michael does break his record, he even wants to be the one to put the eighth gold medal around his neck. So why isn’t Spitz in China right now? Well, nobody invited him.

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