Could you have ever imagined Kim Jong Il coming up in a discussion about the race for the Heisman Trophy? (Hold up on Clausen for a second, let me finish …)

(Ingram claims he shot a 69 in 8th grade, still 35 shots shy of Kim)

Don Kausler Jr. of the BIRMINGHAM NEWS has a report today on Alabama running back Mark Ingram that reads like it was ripped straight from THE ONION:

How athletic is Alabama’s sophomore running back, who now is a front-runner for the Heisman Trophy?

He once bowled a 248.

And he once shot a 69 in golf.

As an eighth grader.

So, like the North Korean news agency that once reported Kim shot a round of -38, how did Kausler happen on this magnificient discovery and what exhaustive measures did he take to lock down the information as legitimate before publishing it in Alabama’s largest daily newspaper?

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Former Giants wide receiver turned bank fraud artist Mark Ingram evading the start of a lengthy jail sentence once for pleading leniency so he could watch his son, also named Mark, play in a big college football game. When he didn’t show a second time, federal marshals started a manhunt and tracked him down … just as he was about to watch his son play in the Sugar Bowl.

(Ingram’s hat had stripes on it, but evidently they were the wrong color.)

According to NEWSDAY, Ingram was arrested in an Auburn Hills hotel room by federal marshals just before the start of Friday’s night Sugar Bowl, in which his son, Alabama running back Mark Ingram, was a starter. Of course, the night got worse from there: Not only did the elder Ingram not get to watch the game, his son’s team was blasted, 31-14, by a supposedly overmatched Utah team.

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• Ex-Giants receiver Mark Ingram is on the lam for skipping out on the start to his prison sentence. What kind of example is that for Plaxico to follow?

• The Kings Sac(k) the Lakers in a rare Cowtown beatdown.

• Corey Dillon is a bit concerned if it really takes 14 months and $470,000 to fix a Ferrari.

• CC Sabathia bolts the Brewers to set up shop in the Bronx.

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Former NFL wide receiver Mark Ingram had a pretty successful professional football career. In 10 seasons playing for the New York Giants, Miami Dolphins, Green Bay Packers, and Philadelphia Eagles, Ingram caught 265 passes for 3,926 yards and 26 touchdowns. The biggest achievement of his career was probably helping the Giants win Super Bowl XXV against the Buffalo Bills. Still, despite Mark’s pretty solid NFL career, football was never really his passion. No, what Mark really cares about is breaking the law.

Back in 2001, Mark was sentenced to six months in prison after getting caught with $3,290 in counterfeit cash, and followed that achievement up with a 1-year sentence after stealing a credit card from a golf course in Michigan back in 2004. Then in August 2007, there was an arrest warrant issued for Ingram after he allegedly broke into a building and stole a purse containing cash and credit cards. Of course, Mark’s greatest accomplishment was the 92-month sentence he received for bank fraud and money laundering in September of this year.

He was supposed to start serving that sentence in Kentucky yesterday, but there was one small problem - Ingram never showed up to prison.

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Former New York Giants wide receiver Mark Ingram plead guilty three years ago to money laundering and bank fraud.  Since then, he’s been sprinting away from his plea and ducking judicial tacklers in the open field.

He’s tried to retract the plea and has blown off three sentencing hearings, twice with emergency room visits for conveniently undiagnosable concerns.  That’s why there’s an arrest warrant out for him now.  U.S. marshals will head out to pick him up if he blows off one more attempt to report to the judge on time.

(Mark Ingram with special envoy Mr. Rogers)

Of course, someone as resourceful as Ingram shouldn’t have to worry about broken cars.  After all, he told the court in previous filings that he doesn’t qualify for prosecution at all because he has diplomatic immunity as the head of state of… somewhere.  Dumasia?

Prosecutors called the treatises “rambling, confusing, outlandish and largely incoherent.”  Yes, that sounds a head of state around these parts.
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