In case you missed it, Manny Pacquiao absolutely obliterated Miguel Cotto this Saturday. It really wasn’t much of a contest, even as it went 12 rounds before the referee put an end to the senseless beating Pacquiao was putting on Cotto. So until Pacqiuao and Floyd Mayweather fight (seriously, guys, just do it already), Pac-Man’s going to have to settle for the next best thing: giant crabs and super-sound-boobs.

(Whoa whoa whoa - boxers aren’t allowed to kick their opponents, pal!)

Why, there’s one of those giant crabs now, acting aggressively toward Pacquiao for an as yet undetermined reason. As our readers undoubtedly know, crabs are one of the most gentle creatures on the planet, and are often referred to as “doves of the deep.” Okay, I made all that up. Anyway, it’s a still from Pacquiao’s latest project: a Filipino movie called Wapakman. And here’s the thing about that movie, if you haven’t already ascertained: it’s f–king insane.

Because we know you want it, trailer’s after the break.

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Lance Pugmire of the L.A. TIMES reports this afternoon that representatives for Floyd Mayweather and Manny Pacquiao will talk today to begin negotiating the terms of a future fight.

(HBO Sports Prez Ross Greenburg, “Floyd’s calling the shots.” ORLY?)

The blog Fighthype.com earlier today also reported that Mayweather has told his promoter, Richard Schaefer of Golden Boy Productions, to begin talks with Pacquiao’s camp.

The posturing for a bigger slice of the purse has already started from Mayweather’s rep Schaefer, who made clear to Pugmire that he thinks his client is a bigger draw than Paqiuoa. HBO Sports President and boxing power broker Ross Greenburg also sides with Schaefer.

“How did Pacquiao-Marquez do versus Mayweather-Marquez? How did Pacquiao-Oscar do versus Floyd-Oscar?” Schaefer asked, well aware of the disparity.

Greenburg made it clear: “Floyd’s calling the shots for this fight to happen.”

After last night’s spectacle though against Cotto, not everyone agrees with Schaefer and Greenburg. Read more…

Manny Pacquiao, not content to inflict undue harm merely on opponents, went with the power ballad last night on ABC’s Jimmy Kimmel Live.

No word if Pacquiao’s opponent in five night’s time, Miguel Cotto, decided to forgo sparring this week after watching his opponent perform Sometimes When We Touch by Dan Hill.

If you view the video after the jump with the sound on, I strongly recommend headgear.
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• It’s not often your wife poses with four muscular naked black men - but such as it is in the madcap marriage of Tom Brady & Gisele Bundchen.

• Ricky Hatton, thanks to Jennifer Dooley, may have survived okay from Manny Pacquiao’s pummeling - but three Filipino fans didn’t.

• Tennessee b-ball coach Bruce Pearl is Volunteering for married life again, as he announces his engagement to blonde beauty Brandy Miller.

• Jessica Simpson admits that whenever Tony Romo takes the field, she texts everyone she knows to pray for him.

• Carrie Prejean, Miss California 2009 & recent pal of Michael Phelps, gets her panties in a bunch over a revealing pic revealed from her younger days.

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We now know how Ricky Hatton spent the day after getting his face turned into hamburger meat by Manny Pacquiao: drinking beers at the pool with his statuesque fiance. But what about the guy who was the meat tenderizer last Saturday night? What did he do to celebrate the victory that cemented his place as the current top pound-for-pound fighter in the world? Well, he sang, of course.

The LOS ANGELES TIMES says that Pacquiao took to the stage at the Conga Room in downtown Los Angeles on Monday night and gave an enthusiastic crowd a performance, this time belting out songs instead of blows. You see, Pacquiao is already an established singer in his native Philippines, and perhaps has eyes on reaching the English-speaking world as well. After what he’s already accomplished this year, are you going to doubt him?

Video evidence after the jump:

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Ricky Hatton seems to have survived Saturday night’s knockout at the hands of Manny Pacquiao, thanks to some rehab with his long-legged fiance Jennifer Dooley and a couple of pints of Guinness. Unfortunately, some of the Filipino fighter’s fans didn’t.

Pacquiao’s 2nd-round jab to the English fighter’s jaw was a devastating one - so devastating, in fact, that three people in the Philippines died while watching it.

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My grandmother gave me one piece of advice before she died. She said, “don’t trust a boxer or a rapper when they say they’re retiring.” Well, grammy, you were right again. Floyd Mayweather Jr. announced his comeback, just a year after his “retirement.”

Money Mayweather, always the shrewd businessman, honed in on the one weekend people are paying attention to boxing to hold his press conference. He claims he’s returning to reclaim his throne, but the real reason is a little less romantic.

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A few days ago, I thought that nothing could in the Celtics vs. Bulls series could top Boston’s wild OT victory over Chicago in Game 5, featuring Paul Pierce playing out of his mind to carry Boston to the win, Kirk Hinrich getting tripped by Rajon Rondo and smashing his face on the floor, or Brad Miller almost getting his faced ripped off (again by Rondo) before missing potential game-tying free throws with two seconds left to seal the victory for the Celtics.

But after last night’s Game 6 in Chicago,  I was clearly very, very wrong, as the Bulls’ 128-127 win in triple OT has not only pushed the series back to Boston on Friday for a deciding seventh game, but pushed the series from “epic” to “best ever” territory. And we can forget the qualifiers like “best ever first round series” or “best ever non-Finals series” - based on the series so far and what we can expect on Friday, this might be as good as an NBA series can possibly get.

Just to recap some of the highlights, the fun started when Rondo and Hinrich got into it again early in the first quarter, with Rondo basically slinging Heinrich into the scorer’s table, with Heinrich immediately popping up looking for blood. Cooler heads prevailed and no one was ejected, but it sure served warning about what was to come.

Keep in mind that this game - and the series - should have all rights been over midway through the fourth quarter as the Celtics used a 25-2 run - 25-2! - to turn a 12-point deficit into a 99-91 lead with just under four minutes to go. In most series - hell, in any other series - a 25-2 fourth quarter run by the defending champs is enough to put an end to things.

But there were the Bulls, seemingly unable to grasp just how screwed they were, using their own 10-2 run to take the game to overtime. And from there, it was on. Taking the role of one-man team for the Celtics last night was Ray Allen, who scored 51 points including a game-tying three at the end of the second OT.

Even Allen wouldn’t be enough to fend off a wave of Bulls, all looking to be part of the heroics. One minute, it was John Salmons suddenly becoming unstoppable while scoring 35 points. The next it was Joakim Noah screaming down court after a steal for a ferocious dunk that led to a three-point play and Pierce fouling out with 35 seconds left in the third OT. And finally, Derrick Rose turning in the defensive ply of the season by blocking Rondo’s potential game-winner with three seconds left.

The series has been exhilarating, frustrating, ridiculous and incredible. But as Jalen Rose wisely pointed out on ESPN after the game, the Bulls will have people over the next two days congratulating them on their win, while the Celtics will be stewing on the anger of dropping it, which could be all the motivation they need. Remember what happened last season when the Celtics were pushed to a first-round Game 7 by an upstart team? For the good of sports, I hope history doesn’t repeat itself - sports fans deserve a classic game to end a classic series.

Meanwhile, Bill Simmons’ “Ewing Theory” - where a team inexplicably plays better without their star player - seemed to be alive and well elsewhere in the NBA playoffs last night. Despite having Superman grounded with a suspension after his hard foul on Samuel Dalembert, the Dwight Howard-less Magic were able to drill the 76ers 114-89 to close out their series.

Howard spent his time Twittering during the game, and I can tell you that I understand absolutely nothing he wrote. (Except for something about the Polish Hammer, which makes me wonder why he’s writing about former WWF wrestler Ivan Putski.) Not Twittering was Howard’s teammate Courtney Lee, who was too busy recovering from surgery on his sinus cavity which could cause him to miss the first few games of the Magic’s second round series to “tweet”.

The other example of the Ewing Theory came from out West, where the Rockets’ 92-76 victory over the Trailblazers clinched their first playoff series win since 1997. This was all done, of course, with Houston star Tracy McGrady on the shelf for the season since late February recovering from microfracture surgery on his knee. Coupling the Rockets’ success with Denver’s closing out of New Orleans - giving Carmelo Anthony his first playoff series victory - and there’s now no question who is going to be known as the Best Player Never To Have Won A Playoff Series.

Meanwhile, I’m sure you’ve taken the time this week to butter up your friend with the illegal cable box, since there is a big-time boxing match coming up this weekend as giant killer Manny Pacquiao takes on Ricky Hatton. Since there’s only two days to go until the fight, the fighters have shut up as the hype machine ramps up to sell PPV buys and tickets, meaning that everyone has to get their two cents in about the fight.

That includes the trainers, who seem to be threatening to become the bigger story than their charges. Hatton’s new trainer Floyd Mayweather Sr. has been defending claims that his combative presence has created problems in the Hatton camp - tough to do when you remember what a jerk Hatton’s father/trainer could be. Meanwhile, Pacquiao’s trainer Freddie Roach is telling people that Mayweather was a “poor choice” to train Hatton and that he would have been better served making a different choice of trainer - like himself.

And with any big fight, the media has to track down some brain-damaged, washed-up former champion to give their bleary opinion on who is going to win the fight. God knows where they find these poor sods, but I hope they at least bought them breakfast. People like this sad case named Oscar De La Hoya, who drooled out an opinion for the DAILY TELEGRAPH:

“Hatton can confuse you, offset you, and especially with the Mayweather factor in the corner in this fight,” he told Telegraph Sport. “I know Mayweather, what he is capable of, what he plants – those little details he plants in your head.

“I’m crossing my fingers that Mayweather and Hatton can go undefeated for many years to come. There will be a chess match going on mentally and physically between both camps but, with all due respect to Freddie Roach’s training ability and his team, Mayweather is the better trainer.”

“I’m speaking from experience. He is more technically sound. He teaches you the craft, the art of boxing. He’s old school – an amazing trainer – yes, he’s one crazy son of a gun, but mentally he plants those little details in your head for you to become King Kong inside the ring.”

It sounds to me like De La Hoya’s fight against Pacquiao should have been stopped about eight rounds earlier than it was; clearly the 200 straight blows to the head he took during the fight have rattled his brain to the point of no return. And think about this: if De La Hoya thinks Mayweather Sr. is a better trainer than Roach, what would have happened to him if Mayweather Sr. had trained Pacquiao instead of Roach? Yikes!

• I never had a reason to want to live in Atlanta instead of Los Angeles, but thanks to BUSTED COVERAGE I do now: according to her Twitter, NBA TV hottie Melanie Collins goes to the same gym as ESPN goddess Erin Andrews. Good God. Does anyone know someone who specializes in surveillance cameras in the Atlanta area who is very discreet and good at their job?



• Want to mail a love letter to Casey Blake? Still trying to send HGH shipments to Eric Gagne in LA? MLB.COM says it’s time to update your address book, as Dodger Stadium gets its own ZIP code.
• In case you missed it, the DALLAS MORNING NEWS says the A’s Ryan Sweeney had the catch of the (very short) season yesterday, robbing Texas’ Ian Kinsler of a three-run homer and preserving Oakland’s 4-2 victory.
• The College Football Hall of Fame has announced this year’s inductees, and the AP has the list. I guess he has to get in there because he won the Heisman Trophy, but seriously…Gino Torretta is in, but Deion Sanders isn’t?
• Finding new and exciting ways to screw up, the WASHINGTON POST says the Nationals gave up five runs in the ninth to the St. Louis Cardinals to turn a 4-4 tie into a 9-4 loss. But at least they got their uniforms right this time.
• Congratulations to the Chicago Blackhawks for rallying from a 3-0 deficit to tie the game against the Vancouver Canucks in Game 1 of their Western Conference semifinal series. Now about those last two they gave up to lose 5-3, as the CHICAGO TRIBUNE reports.
• Meanwhile, Rangers head coach John Tortorella tells the NEW YORK TIMES that he is really, really sorry that he got suspended when he dumped water on a fan and brandished a stick at him during Game 5 of their series against Washington.
• The WASHINGTON TIMES reports that former All-American turned NFL bust Mike Williams is trying to get down from 450 pounds to 370 and make a comeback with the Washington Redskins. We’re talking about the ex-Texas tackle, not the roly-poly former USC wide receiver.
• PRO FOOTBALL TALK says that the San Francisco 49ers have signed former Ohio State OT Alex Boone to a free-agent deal, despite that whole “running from the cops while drunk and pounding on garage doors” deal.
• Joe Paterno tells ESPN.COM that he wants to see the Big Ten expand from its current roster of 11 teams to 12. He’d then like the see them change their name to the Bigger 12, just to get under the skin of those damned Okies from the Dust Bowl.

The Atlanta Hawks’ animal mascot (as opposed to its mall & car dealership mascot) couldn’t get settled for Wednesday night’s Game 2 against the Miami Heat. Before each home game, Spirit the Hawk usually swoops across the arena and land with its handler.

Instead, the (Del?) Harris hawk became confused last night and wandered Philips Arena, landing in the stands, above center court, and on a stanchion.

For reasons unclear, they started the game while Spirit stayed loose. However, the game came to a screeching halt a few minutes in when Spirit landed on the backboard camera and Josh Smith excused himself due to winged predators in the field of play. Eventually, Spirit returned to his handler and play continued.

The rest of the Hawks followed suit in avoiding airborne objects for the remainder of the game, allowing Dwyane Wade to divebomb them with 33 points (including six three-pointers) in a 108-93 win to pull even with the Hawks at a game apiece in the seven-game series.

After the game, Hawks management offered Spirit the scorekeeper job; at least he knows where to look for the ball.

In other NBA games last night, Philadelphia lost to Orlando 96-87, New Orleans lost to Denver 108-93, and the Detroit Pistons lost their ability to care.

A flyby of the NBA may be all that underclassmen college basketball players will get next season when they wish to dip their toe in the NBA Draft. The NCAA has taken steps to limit the time non-seniors can even bat an eyelash in the NBA’s direction by declaring for the draft to the length of an eye blink.

Instead of getting approximately six weeks to consult with NBA teams, speak to trusted advisors, and draw out the decision into key segments of the news cycle, players would get around a week’s time, usually during finals. The NCAA wants to protect their franchisees by encouraging the players to stick around longer to increase their marketing value.

Therefore, no one should show surprise when a young man chooses to skip the NCAA for Europe as Brandon Jennings did. Perhaps we should also not feign indignance when the best high school junior in the country, Jeremy Tyler, packs his extra-long jammies (for his 6′11″ frame) and heads to Europe before his senior year of high school.

Long-time watchers of tall young men will recognize the puppeteer behind this latest stress test on the basketball pipeline. Sonny Vaccaro has his hand in this year’s Atlantic leap, just as he did for Jennings last year. Tyler turns 18 in June and will be eligible for the 2011 NBA draft.

We have a suggestion for Tyler to consider when he selects an NBA agent:

The Bird of Prey himself, of course.

And now the hail of bullet points that you successfully survive thanks to your bra …

• A note to Jamaal Tinsley’s family: he’s still alive and collecting paychecks from the Indiana Pacers. However, don’t expect him to receive a uniform any time … ever.
• On the other hand, four CHICAGO TRIBUNE sportswriters can only claim half that Tinsley formula as they’ve been laid off.
• Also, FORBES claims one-third of MLB teams lost value in the last year while the Yankees and Mets gained value in the double-digits. Thus, the lesson MLB has been trying to teach us for thirty years now has been reinforced: The best way to improve franchise value is to convince the locals to give hundreds of millions of dollars for new stadiums. (Oh, except in D.C., which lost 12 percent. Maybe the answer is to bench Elijah Dukes again.)
• Dennis Eckersley wants you to know that Brad Penny’s “a little gay with his cheese”. Depends on what he does with the cheese, Dennis.
• The second death from being struck by a softball/baseball in the Midwest in three days has been reported. First, a 24-year-old Indiana man was hit in the neck by a thrown ball; now a 14-year-old Chicago boy has also died after being struck in the chest.
• Grasshoppers invade Chase Field and demand senior citizen discounts at the gift shop.
• While still in Arizona, it’s nice to see the old Bidwell competency shining through; no one thought to tell the NFL that scheduling their last home game on the last day of the regular season might get them in hot water with the Fiesta Bowl, which kicks off one day later.
• Jason Tyner got traded from the Milwaukee Brewers to the Detroit Tigers for nothing. No cash, no players, no PTBNL. Zilch. Not even a collection of baseball bats, which might be a good thing.
• The Manny Pacquiao bobblehead. Of course.
• The MMA onesie for your newborn. Of course.

You think that baseball umpires have it easy? Talk to Kerwin Danley. Actually, don’t talk to him today - he’s probably nursing one heck of a headache. Unlike me this morning, it was not as the result of a night of heavy drinking, but from a baseball bat to the back of the head. The DALLAS MORNING NEWS says that Danley was whacked by Hank Blaylock’s broken bat while working the Rangers vs. Blue Jays game, and had to go to the hospital with a possible concussion.

Please ignore the Zapruder film quality (get some video conversion software, people) and prepare to wince at footage of the incident:

Unfortunately for Danley, winding up in the hospital is getting to be a regular occurrence for him. You might remember last year when he took a 96 mph fastball to the jaw courtesy of Brad Penny.

If I were Danley, I’d avoid any home plate assignments for the rest of my career if possible. Or I’d only work from a perch about ten rows in back of home, or wearing more padding than The Michelin Man.

But also: THE KILLER BATS ARE BACK!  I thought we stopped the maple bats’ raping and pillaging of the baseball world last season? Actually, I don’t know if that was a maple bat or not, but why not start the overly-heated, panicked reaction now?

Meanwhile, you might have missed this Washington Nationals bit of news because, well, they are the Nationals, but sluggers Adam Dunn and Ryan Zimmerman were forced to wear jerseys that said “Natinals” during a game last Friday. Which, as you can imagine, was a bit of an embarrassment … for Majestic Apparel, the company that makes all uniforms for MLB. (I can’t imagine the uniform gaffe caused Dunn or Zimmerman to lose their “Natinals Pride”.)

So MLB.COM says that Majestic has apologized for the mistake. They didn’t give an explanation for the error, but we can assume it’s because it was a Nationals jersey and no one cared. Apparently the Nationals’ clubhouse attendants didn’t care, since they just checked to make sure the names were spelled right on the back of the jerseys and didn’t look at the front when they opened the boxes before Opening Day. Honestly, you don’t wash those once to make it less itchy?

Finally, you have to wonder about La Salle University’s basketball recruiting process. After all, top recruit Karon Burton was supposed to be known for his speed, which led him to be named Delware County, PA’s Player of the Year this past season. But if that’s the case, how in the world did he, as the DELAWARE COUNTY DAILY TIMES says, get caught by a police officer when trying to flee on foot as cops were chasing him as part of a massive drug bust? Either someone’s scouting department sucks, or there’s a cop who should be receiving a recruiting visit.

But I’m guessing that Burton won’t be getting that scholarship anyway. He was one of 11 people arrested on Monday as part of a two-hour undercover drug sting. Police say Burton ran from a car that had tried to purchase heroin from a cop posing as a dealer, and he tried to ditch bags of pot before being chased down by the cops. But that’s better than the woman who was also arrested in the sting trying to buy heroin and cocaine - with her young daughter in the car seat in back.

• Another day, another case of a South American soccer match turning into a giant brawl. SKY NEWS says this one in Argentina started after the captain of Guarani Antonio Franco (who I think was dictator of Argentina at one time) bumped into the ref. Here’s the wackiness that ensued:
  

• What’s worse than breaking someone’s ankle with a vicious soccer tackle? The BBC has an answer: how about stamping on the player’s shattered leg as he lays writhing on the ground?
• The CHARLESTON DAILY MAIL says Marshall football player Courtney Edmonson made a basic mistake that many youngsters make when they drink: don’t carry a big bottle of Bacardi Razz Rum around campus.
• Ole Miss DT Jerrell Powe told police that “he couldn’t read“ when they came over to his place about a noise complaint. The CLARION LEDGER says that Rebels head coach Houston Nutt is not pleased, especially since he’s had a history of eligibility issues with the NCAA.
• Manny Pacquiao threw out the first pitch in San Francisco at the Giants’ home game against San Diego. The final verdict: more of a light jab than a knockout punch. Check it out for yourself (but don’t tell me you don’t want one of those T-shirts):
  

• Even NASCAR is getting into the “helping the environment” business, with USA TODAY saying that for the first time, they will be using a hybrid as a pace car during the Coca-Cola 600 over Memorial Day weekend. This is what happens when the pinko leftists take over, people.
• Congratulations, Blue Jackets fans: you got to see the first home playoff game in team history last night, as Columbus hosted Detroit. The bad news: THE HOCKEY NEWS reports that the Red Wings scored about one minute in and never looked back, coasting to a 4-1 win and a 3-0 series lead. But hey, you can show up tomorrow and be there to see the Blue Jackets get swept for the first time in franchise playoff history.
• The PHILADELPHIA INQUIRER has the latest college basketball star to declare for the NBA Draft: Villanova’s Scottie Reynolds, who I believe has been at the school for 27 years.
• The LOS ANGELES TIMES says that there’s an apparent winner in the USC Trojans’ QB derby, as Pete Carroll has named sophmore Aaron Corp the starter for the spring game and through fall camp. I wonder where Mitch Mustain will transfer to next?
• Finally, let’s give one last finger wag for Dikeme Mutombo, who the HOUSTON CHRONICLE says suffered a knee injury in the Rockets’ 107-103 loss to the Trail Blazers that Mutombo says is career-ending. And whom was he battling with when his knee exploded? Of course it was Greg Oden - he’s now made knee injuries viral. But let’s honor the defensive beast and great humanitarian by sexing someone tonight.