Normally, you don’t see a broadcast booth spend a plurality of a football game raving about the “time of possession” statistic. Then again, normally, you don’t see a team win said battle by a full 30 minutes of game time, which is precisely what Miami did to Indianapolis last night. And then again, you don’t normally see a team control the ball for fewer than 15 minutes of the game… and win anyway.

(”Okay, so you just scored the go-ahead touchdown. Allow me to retort: BOOOO THUMBS DOWN TO YOU BOOOOOOO!”)

But lo and behold, thanks to the quickest of quick-strike offenses, the Colts did exactly that; thanks to touchdown drives of 1, 6, and 4 plays, Indianapolis prevailed in Miami, 27-23. Indeed, the Colts’ longest drive of the night was a 9-play drive that led to a 2nd quarter field goal; on the other side of the field, the Fins had exactly one shorter drive: an 8-play, 25-yard drive that ended in a punt. After that, literally every drive of theirs was 9 plays or longer. That’s the longest shortest drive since [ERROR WE ARE NOT ELIAS SPORTS BUREAU CLIENTS ABORT, RETRY, FAIL?].

Ah, but without turnovers, time of possession is effectively meaningless. Read more…

Usually, Tony Romo saves his worst for last, shining as the season begins but falling apart in December and January. But hey, last night was kind of a big game - it was the first “official” game at the new Cowboys Stadium, and it was a national TV audience against the arch-rival New York Giants. So I guess you can’t blame Romo for reverting to his late-season form and throwing up all over himself in the Cowboys’ 33-31 loss.

Romo threw three picks - including one that was returned for a touchdown - and generally looked more spooked than a race horse that’s just been hit with a firecracker. But despite this, the Cowboys actually led late, and it looked like Dallas might pull out an improbable victory. Read more…

• That is one mighty-sized mansion Derek Jeter is building himself down in Tampa.

• Both Tom Watson & Lance Armstrong fall short over the weekend.

• Cubs skipper Lou Piniella gets personal with Milton Bradley.

• Indonesia asks Manchester United to never mind the bombings.

• $12 million could sure help the Arena Football League stay in business.

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Pity upon the world outside America and Western Europe that we think they’re lawless, brutish savages. After all, as a general rule, the only time they make the news is if A) the Olympics are going on or, more likely, B) something has exploded or broken and a whole lot of people just died.

(”This is not fit for a celebrity! Gentlemen, let’s be on our way! Harrumph!”)

So when Indonesia, only the fourth most populous country on the planet, finally made some headlines last week, it’s frankly no surprise that it’s because a hotel was bombed. With that, Manchester United cancelled a date to play an exhibition match in Jakarta, seeing as how it was their hotel that got bombed just a week before they arrived and all. But Indonesian government officials were undeterred, to their credit, and continued to extend an invitation to ManU to play down there. So did the famed squad thumb its nose in front of terrorism and strike a blow for sanity over fear?

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Soccer has always had a tough time gaining legitimacy as a sport amongst a large portion of Americans. Maybe it’s Americans’ latent isolationist bent, maybe it’s the flopping, maybe it’s the frequent 0-0 matches. Or maybe it’s stuff like this:

(He appears to be a Florida fan to boot.)

No, your eyes do not deceive you. That is indeed Manchester United star Rio Ferdinand wearing a halter top and short jorts, filling the questionable fashion hole left after the departure of Miss World Cristiano Ronaldo.  In the words of Mr. Belding, “what is going on here?”

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• Major League Baseball without steroids is like porn without the silicone.

Just don’t blog about the subject with Raul Ibanez.

• Rodney Harrison doesn’t like how the NFL has become “soft and pansy“.

• A Fox News morning show lambasts MTV for Bruno’s ass-ault on Eminem - then does a segment with a Fox reporter doing basically the same thing to a lingerie football player.

• Tim Floyd takes off from the Trojans. What, and leave the Song Girls?

• Soon-to-be newlyweds Kendra Wilkinson & Eagles WR Hank Baskett are expecting a baby. On the other side of the spectrum, Barry Bonds’ wife demands a divorce.

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In the aftermath of the $132 million transfer of Cristiano Ronaldo to Real Madrid, Manchester United fans might be worried that their beloved soccer team might now become a lesser presence in the celebrity gossip and society pages. Who would fill the void left behind with the loss of the Paris Hilton-snogging fashion victim? Who would provide ManU fans with naked girlfriend party pics? Who will challenge Miss Albania now?

Rest easy, Red Devils. The world’s most famous pro soccer team knows better than to get rid of its biggest stars without a replacement plan, and young striker Federico Macheda  is poised to be the next breakout superstar. More importantly, however, he’s landed a fresh-faced young lass to serve as his representative in the gossip pages of Britian’s tabloids. Gentlemen (and,uh, ladies if you’re so inclined), meet soccer’s newest WAG, Sophie Houghton.

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Cristiano Ronaldo can now buy all the pink hats & pearls he wants, as the soccer star is moving from Manchester United to Real Madrid in a $130 million deal. By scoring such a financial windfall (and relocating from soggy England to sunnier Spain), Cristiano decided to celebrate by hitting the Hollywood nightclubs last night.

And which starlet did CR end up shacking up with by the end of the night? Would you believe Paris Hilton? Of course you would - it would be harder to believe that Paris wouldn’t get together with the now-richer Ronaldo.

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• Before coupling up with cutie Alex Curran, Liverpool soccer player Steve Gerrard used to pursue his gals by following the mantra of “Go Ugly“.

(I don’t think Steve is “going ugly” anymore.)

• At least the Lakers are one step closer to holding up their end of the deal for a Kobe-LeBron finals.

• MLB All-Star Voting: It’s like “American Idol” without any Simon Cowell!

• San Diego State students show off what they’re made of when they let themselves unwind in with a late night Undie Run.

• Too bad they didn’t have this race when Reggie Grigsby Jr. was with the Aztecs - then maybe he wouldn’t have been shot by his policeman dad after attacking his mom.

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Respected journals of anthropology like SPORTSbyBROOKS have long chronicled the behaviour of soccer fans in the wild, for science. SbB’s crack team of scientists traveled the globe to document the fascinating rioting habits of the Irish fan, the Romanian fan, and the Russian fan. We even received data from our South American research station on the rioting habits of the Chilean fan. Amazingly, however, we had heretofore gathered no empirical data on record regarding the rioting behaviours of the elusive African fan.

(Not pictured: Bus plunge.)

But that changed today, and the annals of science are richer for it. A bus-driving Nigerian Manchester United fan chanced upon a group of Barcelona fans celebrating their team’s victory in the UEFA Champions League Final and he did what any self-respecting soccer fan would do in the same situation around the world: He ran them over. Gouranga!

Read more…