Too many times these days, mentions of youth sports in the news are accompanied by details of disgusting sexual perversion, parental misconduct, or other heinous issues often stemming from the imbalance of authority between adult and child, coach and player. Whatever happened to the halcyon days of yore, when kids were innocent, fun-loving scamps playing carefree games on glorious American summer evenings?

(Lovable scamps … or dangerous insurgents?)

Recently, though, our nation’s youth baseball players started to fight back*. Fed up with getting liquored up and felt up by their coaches, the kids are rising up against the oppression and exploitation of their adult masters. Don’t believe us? Check out this first documented example of the youth athlete revolution, dangerously smuggled to the Twitters via the heroic ‘Duk of BIG LEAGUE STEW.

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• Meet Maria Verchenova, the swinging Russian sweetie who hopes to do in golf what fellow countrywoman Maria Sharapova has done in tennis.

• Glen “Big Baby” Davis makes Magic fans cry by hitting a game-winning shot - then bowls over a young courtside spectator. Of course, the kid’s dad isn’t very happy with the Raging Luna-Celtic.

• A Baltimore-area stripper claims that there’s nothing Michael Phelps likes better than sex & spitting tobacco.

• That Nuggets-Mavericks series certainly was a fierce one. If it wasn’t Mark Cuban getting into it with Kenyon Martin’s mom, it was Carmelo Anthony’s fiancee LaLa Vasquez jawing with Dallas fans.

• But Dirk Nowitzki steered clear of any such confrontations, since he had his own problems with his own fraudulent fiancee. Hey, Dirk - Tony Banks feels your pain.

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• Meet Maria Verchenova, on course to be the Maria Sharapova of golf.

• Glen “Big Baby” Davis had Orlando Magic fans in tears last night after sinking the game-winning shot - and running over a kid on the sidelines. But now the youngster’s peeved papa demands satisfaction.

• Not taking too kindly to the taunting of her son, a Little League mother attacks one of the name-calling kids and calls him “white trash” in return.

• Speaking of matriarchs in sports, Mark Cuban gets into it with Kenyon Martin’s mom, telling her her son is a “thug“.

• Dennis Rodman reportedly dines & dashes from a Miami restaurant, but not before one of his men mauls the manager.

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I hope everyone had a fun Mother’s Day, taking dear ol’ Mom out to dinner ‘n’ such. It’s the least you could do, since your mom does so much for you - like attacking other kids who’ve been taunting you.

(But not a Little League assault-free zone)

41-year-old Jodi Scheffler from Kirkland, Washington, was arrested a weekend ago after she allegedly assaulted a 12-year-old Little League player who was giving her son a hard time after a game.

But it all could have been avoided had Jodi’s son been a better sport.

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Next time someone tries to insult your manhood by telling you, “You throw like a girl!”, don’t take it too hard. Just remind them of Mackenzie Brown.

Mackenzie is a 12-year-old pitcher in the Bayonne (NJ) Little League. And she struck a huge blow for equal rights when she struck out 12 boys en route to throwing a perfect game on Tuesday. You go, girl!

As such, Mackenzie’s now the talk of the town - and the country!

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Elijah Dukes was the first to run afoul of the Nationals’ new No Tolerance rules. When he was five minutes late to warmups because he spent too much time speaking with Little Leaguers, that meant a fine and a benching. That’s lead to him being the cause célèbre of unjustly persecuted people the world over. Maybe I’m guilty of not paying enough attention to the Nationals, but when exactly did Elijah Dukes, pregnant-woman-assaulter, become Jesus?

And just like Jesus, some well-meaning groups are raising money for him that he probably doesn’t really need. The Little League that monopolized his precious time Saturday is collecting donations to help Dukes pay off his tardiness fine. Guys, Dukes makes six figures. Save the money and buy yourselves a pizza party.

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• Some overly-obsessed 34-year-old tried to abduct Olympic gymnast Shawn Johnson during a “Dancing With The Stars” taping.

• A girls’ HS basketball team roughs up a roster of Dallas radio guys.

• Apocalypse now? Isiah Thomas could be put in charge of the Clippers.

• White Sox closer Bobby Jenks doesn’t read, but really likes his rear.

• This giveaway’s a gas: Minor league team plans to hand out fart filters.

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Grady Little leaving Pedro in the game too long. Bob Brenley trusting Byung-Hyun Kim’s stuff two nights in a row. Not putting Jerry Morris’s son in to pitch in a meaningless Little League game. These are the decisions that will haunt managers forever.

Morris was, shall we say, not enamored of the coach’s decision not to put his son in at pitcher. So he did when any rational little league dad would do: He charged the mound from the stands and beat the holy hell out of an assistant coach, all the while screaming profanities and pretty much assuring that none of his son’s friends will ever want to come over to his house to toss the ol’ horsehide around.

Did we mention this whole thing went down during practice?

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• Nothing sums up the NBA All-Star Weekend like the Shaqawockeez.

• Of course, there were other wondrous sights to be seen in Phoenix, such as Snoop Dogg, Japanese reporters, and mascots abducting children.

• The bad economy is even putting the squeeze on Little League Baseball.

• Mike Tomlin was quite the wideout for William & Mary.

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Oh no! The economy’s hurting little league baseball! This is actually a big deal, because you never know who those little leaguers will grow up to become. If they hadn’t had pee wee baseball 20 years ago, sports might now be deprived of people like Chris Drury and Matt Cassel. Oh, and a whole lot of athletes who stuck with baseball too.

Little league enrollments are down across the board, and so are sponsorships. This means less players, less games, less money and less equipment. It also means, since the price of footballs and basketball hoops remain steady, baseball’s going to continue losing promising young athletes to other sports. Still, do you really want your tax dollars going to help little league baseball? Because that’s what’s happening.

Let’s see how bad the financial carnage is, after the jump.

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