Because no battle is ever won, he said. They are not even fought. The field only reveals to man his own folly and despair, and victory is an illusion of philosophers and fools. - William Faulker, “The Sound and the Fury”

That was written by Mississippi’s “greatest author,” who I also thought was kind of overrated. Which, it turns out, could easily apply on multiple levels to the Ole Miss football team. On a national stage and with a No. 4 ranking, the Rebels completely imploded, falling 16-10 at South Carolina last night. It may or may not be true that no battle is ever won, but for Ole Miss, this one was certainly lost.

Mainly it was lost for two reasons: QB Jevan Snead had a miserable game, going 7 for 21 for 107 yards while being pressured by the Gamecocks’ defense all night. And Houston Nutt’s game plan reminded you of why he was barely a .500 coach with a backfield of Felix Jones and Darren McFadden at Arkansas. Nutt seemed unable to accept that the passing game just wasn’t working, and waited until the fourth quarter to turn to running back Dexter McLuster. He ran for 68 yards in the final quarter, but by then it was too little, too late. Read more…

It’s been no surprise to any fan of the NBA (especially the televised version) that Dwight Howard is a popular person to put in front of a camera. Hey, why not? He’s a physical freak of nature with a flair for the dramatic, and acting goofy is a lot easier than learning post moves.

(Dwight, I know a place where you can take advantage of better special effects than that.)

But as you can imagine, Orlando ought to be very worried that Howard has evidently figured out that part about acting and playing basketball. And while there’s plenty of places in America to shoot a movie, the best place is right in the backyard of that team that just erased them in the Finals.

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What is it with quarterbacks in the Pac-10 and injuries? They seem to drop like flies. UCLA lost their top two quarterbacks before the season even started, and Oregon has gone through more quarterbacks already this season than Lindsay Lohan goes through packs of Virginia Slims. Throw in Jake Locker’s busted hand at Washington, and Mark Sanchez’s off-season knee injury, and the QB spot in the Pac-10 is a death trap.

Washington State has had similar problems, losing their top two QBs to injury this season as well. The problem is that while USC can have the No. 1 QB in his recruiting class as their fourth-stringer, the Cougars just don’t have that depth. So THE SEATTLE TIMES (via DR. SATURDAY) says head coach Paul Wulff has had to have an open call for quarterbacks on campus to look for people to line up under center for the practice squad.

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• It appears that Chinese fans will go ga-ga over anything Michael Phelps - even BBC reporters who look like the gold-winning swimmer.

But when it comes to employees of the Beeb, we prefer to go ga-ga over swimming analyst Sharron Davies.

• Teasing the Aussies about coming home with less Olympic medals than the British? The Sun is there.

• A Canadian fencer says a loss to a rival felt like “a kick in the nuts” - which is more remarkable considering the crestfallen foiler is female.

• With the Beijing Games now gone, how will Yao Ming be able to get on with his life?

• It’s bad enough when a football coach assaults a player from an opposing team, but it’s downright disgusting when said player is only 8 years old.

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You know, in many ways, being named the starting quarterback of the Chicago Bears is kind of like being the one inmate on death row that’s voted most likely to succeed. Sure, you won, but in the end, all you’re going to do is lose.

Apparently there are benefits to being the Bears starter that I wasn’t aware of, and those benefits aren’t just free neckbeard combs & all the free Jack Daniels you can chug. No, apparently the job also comes with the admiration of America’s newest favorite lesbian, Lindsay Lohan. She saw Kyle Orton’s dance moves on display over the weekend, and she came away impressed.

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A few days ago former gold medalist swimmer and nude fuzzy little creature activist Amanda Beard wanted everybody to know that she wasn’t interested in dating super human swimmer Michael Phelps. I believe her exact words were “Eww, no!” (Now we know why she has to pose nude for PETA instead of speaking for them.) Well, Michael doesn’t seem to be too heartbroken over the incident.

Not only did he find out recently that Lindsay Lohan thinks he’s amazing and wants to “hang out” with him, but he’s also found himself another swimmer to make out with. Phelps has been seen spending a lot of time with Australian swimmer Stephanie Rice, and by spending a lot of time with, I mean ramming his tongue down her throat.

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Maybe it’s the lack of a viable internet connection in Beijing, but it seems there’s been a veritable cloud of mystery surrounding the most important Olympic issue of 2008: How many freaking condoms are getting handed out?

It’s what we all want to know, and fortunately Mike Hayes at STEADY-BURN wraps it up succinctly with the news that it was not 100,000 as originally thought, but actually almost a half million condoms distributed in Olympic village. Bow-chicka-wow-wow.

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You know how the proverbial 800 pound gorilla can eat whatever he wants? Well, Michael Phelps is like that large primate of yore, except for him, “food” is actually “women”. And “gold medals”. And possibly “American hearts”. But mostly women.

But even the medals might not outnumber the slew of rumored ladyfriends that Mr. Eight Pack American Hero is sporting these days. Because right now, he’s got a couple ladies that he might actually be dating, and Lindsay Lohan is also reportedly interested in Phelps. Which actually might not count as news.

The two ladies of current interest? According to the TELEGRAPH (dot UK), it’s a few models, naturally. Well, kind of:

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• An Hungarian weightlifter gets bent out of shape over a very painful lift.

• Players from Spain’s Olympic basketball team fail to see the harm done with their little slant-eyed photo op.

• Chad Johnson might be taking this whole “Ocho Cinco” thing a bit too far.

• Those Nebraska wrestlers who had pics pop up on a gay porn site have been cut from the Cornhuskers squad.

• One day, you’re guarding the Olympic torch relay. The next day, you’re a heartthrob to millions of Chinese girls.

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While Jason Kidd’s marriage to Joumana Kidd looked to be a perfect union on the surface, as time passed we found out that aside from producing peanut-headed children, Joumana also had an affinity for beating Jason up. After a much publicized divorce, Kidd decided it was time to move on and find a woman who wouldn’t bully him around. So after knocking up Hope Dworaczyk, Jason thought he’d found that woman in Danish model May Anderson (who only attacks flight attendants) and for the past few months they’ve been an item.

Well, while Jason’s been in Beijing playing with The Redeem Team, that doesn’t mean he hasn’t been keeping a watchful eye on his girl from half a world away. Jason has been reading the NEW YORK POST’s PAGE SIX, and apparently he doesn’t like what he’s been reading. That’s why he’s dropping Anderson like a bad habit.

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