Speed Read: Cubs Riding Hard Liquor Bandwagon

It wasn’t enough for Diageo, the makers of Smirnoff vodka, to invite the good folks of Phoenix out to see their hockey team free with the purchase of a bottle of booze.  Now they’re plastering their name across The World’s Largest Beer Garden in an attempt to make further inroads into the sports scene. That’s one way to pay for stadium upgrades if you won’t pony up to the governor.

Drunk Boozer Wrigley Field Cubs fans

Wrigley Field will now host the Captain Morgan Club (a restaurant) and the Smirnoff Patio and provide lovely mixed drinks to the fans that like to do a little drinking around 10 am at home and then ride the El to Addison and start downing car bombs around 11:30 am for a 1:20 pm start.

If Cubs fans aren’t careful, they might even put Toronto Blue Jays fans to shame.  That’s not easy to do, either; they can’t be stopped even if Daddy takes the alcohol away for a game.  (Not to mention the gratuitous nudity.)

Also gratuitous: the entire 2008-2009 NCAA women’s basketball season. The University of Connecticut Huskies won their 39th straight game by double-digits to complete their undefeated season and claim the nation’s crown.

Connecticut Huskies

Stanford University of Louisville kept this game competitive for about as long as you’ve been reading this article thus far, which still might be the best effort of the year for a UConn opponent.  This could be the point for a snide joke about going pro in a little something we call life, but these young women are already professional assassins.  Yikes.

We know the short-lived hole in the media filter (and the filter on media members themselves) caused by Twitter will soon close and leave us with more canned responses and layers of personal marketing protection.  As we speak, there are businesses springing up around the management of social spaces and new media integration and other phrases that dampen the soul.

For now, though, we live in truly awesome times.  Example: Bill Stewart (West Virginia’s head football coach and the antithesis of R-Rod) has been carrying on like a blessed fool on Twitter, including how he threw all the kickers out of a meeting or how he gets so fired up by Chubby Checker that he sprints into practice at 4:15 am.

West Virginia head coach Bill Stewart

Go like this, Coach Stewart.  Go like this all morning long.

And now the twisting hail of bullets that Carl Landry could heal up from in only three weeks

Francis Buxton

  • Stan Kasten, president of the Washington Nationals, went on Philly radio and told Phillies fans just how much they were welcome to fill those increasingly empty seats at Nationals Park, having apparently forgotten that D.C. sports fans survive the surprisingly harsh winters by burning compressed carbon logs of their own hate for other teams.  You’d think Stan Kasten had bigger fish to fry, frankly.  For example, Dmitri Young just called Stan Kasten’s house because he heard Kasten’s hosting a fish fry.
  • Your NBA Draft early departure update: Blake Griffin (as mentioned late yesterday), Jodie Meeks, and everyone in the city of Tucson.  They’re gonna need a bigger green room.
  • Senator Ted Kennedy threw out the first pitch at Fenway Park on Opening Day.  Senator Bill Frist saw this video and declared Kennedy alive and well, raising his batting average to .500.
  • The San Diego Padres have one chance at a title: Miss California Carrie Prejean (a former “Deal or No Deal” model) will be competing for the Miss USA title in Vegas on April 19th and she’s a former member of the Padres’ “Pad Squad”.  It’s good that she’s no longer with the organization or Becky Moores might demand weekend visitation rights.

Carrie Prejean, Miss California 2009

How many majors for Tiger Woods this year?

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Fan Hits Halfcourt Shot, Wins $77,777 from Casino

Every weekend the Phoenix Suns bring their soap opera home to US Airways Center, one of the 1.7 million local casinos offers a fan a chance to win money by making a shot from the free-throw line ($777), the NBA three-point stripe ($7,777) or half-court ($77,777).

Almost every time, the selected fan feels the crowd’s taunting and steps to half-court, only to whiff badly, and we shake our fist from the upper deck for not choosing the three-pointer.  Sure, we get passing on the $777; not many people’s lives will be drastically changed by that amount.  However, eight grand is enough, isn’t it?  Don’t get greedy.

Well… guess which shot this guy made last night.

Rhett Brown hits halfcourt shot

Rhett Brown stepped well past the halfcourt stripe, hung the ball between his legs like a crab, and waddled up to the line with a speedy gait.  He then jammed on the brakes, flung the ball underhand with all his might, and pocketed $77,777 with a cord-ripper.

Rhett Brown collects his check

(SbB was there and provides this shot of the check ceremony, which we did not shake our fist at.  You can see the half-court banner on the right.)

The fans giggled and roared as Rhett sprinted in circles all around the gym, hugging the Suns’ Gorilla, the guy with the check, and Leandro Barbosa.  He started to hug the security guard near the charity stripe, but Rhett got one look at that surly face and chose to pat him on the shoulder instead.
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Photos: Shaq, Grant Hill Visit Sword Swingers

Arrgghh! Renaissance Faire fans at last weekend’s Men’s Luxury Toy Expo in Phoenix got a surprise visit from a few members of the Suns, led by Deputy Shaq who even took the time to handle one of the magic rods.

Shaq with Renaissance Faire groupies

While Phil Jackson was busy hitting on Michele Tafoya, the Suns took time out of their busy schedule to pay attention to grown men wearing medieval costumes. Grant Hill and Leandro Barbosa were also on hand to swing swords at pudgy white guys who were obviously in awe of million dollar athletes hitting them with toys.

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