It’s that time again: time for your Friday afternoon delusion. This week it’s courtesy of Detroit running back (and only good player on the team) Kevin Smith, who confidently predicts the Lions will make the playoffs.
I’ll type that again so you’re sure it’s no typo. Kevin Smith says the Lions will make the playoffs in 2009. And what’s worse is that it isn’t even his most unbelievable statement, since he follows that up by saying, “We weren’t far off last year.”
Normally, when a team does something colossally stupid in a cost-saving maneuver these days, we chalk it up to the economy and move on. But when it’s the Detroit Lions, well, we get the feeling that this sort of thing’s just bound to happen no matter what the Dow does.
(You might want to check the nameplate on that one.)
Take the Lions’ draft party at Ford Field this past weekend. They decided to give away some replica jerseys to season ticket holders, which is pretty cool if it didn’t mean the poor guys would now have to wear an 0-16 team’s jersey. The jerseys, it seemed, were customized for Kevin Smith (not him), their 2007 #1 draft choice and future hero in the backfield. But when is a star tailback’s jersey not a star tailback’s jersey? When it’s the old star tailback’s jersey!
You had your fun, Red Sox haters, when Boston was 2-6 and looking like a mediocre mess. Now, the Sox have won 10 straight and look like the team to beat in the AL East (can Toronto really keep this up?). The Yankees found three different ways to lose to the Sox over the weekend, and were further embarrassed when Jacoby Ellsburystole home off of Andy Pettite:
Ellsbury’s theft highlighted a three-run fifth inning that led the Red Sox to a 4-1 win on Sunday Night Baseball. It was the weekend in a nutshell for the Yankees, who are now facing mounting questions about their pitching staff, which is ruining things for an offense that’s scoring more than five runs per game (and will get better when A-Rod returns).
So, you’re the Orlando Magic, you’re down 2-1 in the series to heavy underdog Philly, and you just dumped a nine-point lead late in the fourth quarter and find yourself tied in the final seconds. You don’t want this going to OT because the Sixers have all the momentum. So now what? Clearly, it’s time for Hedo Turkoglu to just dribble around for a while and then drain a 26-footer to win it 84-81:
Just how you drew it up, right Stan?
In Houston, the Portland Trail Blazers once again had a chance to steal a game from the Rockets…and once again, gave it away late. The Rockets killed the Blazers on the offensive boards, getting two huge second chances that led to three-point daggers from Shane Battier in the final minutes. Portland still had a chance to tie it with 20 seconds remaining, but Brandon Roy was called for an offensive foul, then Travis Outlaw missed a deep three. The Rockets held on, 89-88, to take a 3-1 series lead. Houston needs just one more game to advance to the second round for the first time since 1997. And, unfortunately for Blazer fans, Tracy McGrady isn’t around to blow this one.
(How does his hair stay behind his ears all the time like that?)
In the NHL’s late game, the Hurricanes blanked the Devils 4-0 to push their series to a deciding game in Newark on Tuesday night. In related news, NHL.COM has told Kevin Smith he can’t blog about the series on their site anymore. Apparently, the NHL wants to be “family friendly” and didn’t realize they had commissioned one of the filthiest mouths anywhere to write about the series. So now, Smith has moved his playoff blog to his own site.
• The Broncos, along with all of the former AFL teams, are going to wear throwback jerseys for the first two games this season. No, not those orange ones we all remember from our youth. It’s this monstrosity that thankfully was retired after only two seasons (according to the DENVER POST, they were acquired secondhand from a defunct bowl game):
• This may not be sports-related, but lets face it, Bea Arthur was twice the man that A-Rod will ever be. So in honor of her sad demise, here’s some grainy footage of her embarrassing performance in the horrible Star Wars Holiday Special:
But there’s a bit of a mystery surrounding FireGeneChizik.com. Why was it registered before he coached a single game for the Tigers? Was it done by Auburn fans or ISU fans? And why, for the love of God, does it redirect to the University of Central Florida’s player profile page for Kevin Smith, now in the NFL?
It’s probably a rough morning for Dodgers fans. After knocking off the best team in the league, they probably thought they had clear sailing past the historically hapless Phillies. But they went out with a whimper, not a bang, and couldn’t even drink off their sorrows at Big Wang’s.
(L.A. fans would never approve of someone whoring themselves for cash.)