Tiger Woods Is Vicious All The Time To Everybody

The Memorial Skins Classic was today, and it featured Kenny Perry, Stewart Cink, Tiger Woods, and Jack Nicklaus. It’s an exhibition, strictly for charity, and it was basically an excuse to get Tiger and Jack in the same grouping for once. Which is fine, we’re not complaining or anything; they’re probably the two best golfers of all time and definitely the best golfers from their respective generations.

Tiger Woods and Jack Nicklaus
(”You’re mine, old man!”)

When it came down to the end of the round, there were four skins on the line and Tiger was looking at a decently long putt to keep Perry from winning. Guess what happened. Go on, guess. If you guessed “a seagull came and took the ball away”… no, but I like where your mind’s at.

Video evidence is below (but stop after he hits the putt): Read more…

Speed Read: Cabrera To Be Nicorette’s New Angel

You may have noticed that during his final round conquest at the Masters, Angel Cabrera somehow wasn’t smoking his customary cigarette. No, it’s not because packs are going for upwards of $10 in New York City. It’s because after his mid-round puff break at the 2007 U.S. Open, Cabrera felt a little self-conscious about how the public might think that he was “out of shape.” As if the fact that he’s a Santa Claus-like obese Argentine who walks like a duck and sweats profusely wouldn’t give that away, the cigarettes were really pushing him over the edge.

angel cabrera green jacket

Well, Cabrera kicked the habit, and boy wouldn’t you notice that it made a big difference! Except that it didn’t at all. The man still wears golf duds that look like they were ripped out of a 1980s rehab center, he still waddles down the fairway and, as Adam pointed out last night, he still doesn’t speak English, despite camping out on the tour for two straight years.

In fact, when you really break it down, there’s only one thing that was different about Cabrera this weekend: He was chewing lots, and lots and lots of gum. Lots of it. And why, pray tell, would Cabrera be plowing through Seinfeldian cases of gum? One word: Nicorette.

nicorette gum

That’s right, Nicorette finally has a golden celebrity sponsor, and he’s even named Angel. If only he could speak English, he could give advice like “Every time I could nervous about two-putting, I popped some Nicorette!” Or, “Every time I shanked a shot into the trees, I remembered I was paired with Kenny Perry and that he’d definitely choke, so I took the time to enjoy a nicotine-laced chomp.”

Oh, if only Angel was fluent in English, then we’d really get to enjoy what he was thinking when he kept giving the thumbs up to the cameras after the green jacket ceremony. Something tells us he thought his jacket came with by swimsuit models. Maybe that was lost in translation, too.

lesslye perry

Of course, if Perry had held on to win, we wouldn’t have needed the swimsuit models in the first place, we just could have checked out his daughter. No, not the 14-year-old who was smushed into TV shots with her mother, but the Tennessee Titans cheerleader. Yes, Kenny Perry’s daughter, Lesslye, is a cheerleader for the Titans. And, as you might suspect, she’s fit to be a Titans cheerleader, even though her name is spelled in a way that makes you wonder if her parents spoke English any better than Cabrera.

lesslye perry titans page

So, what does Perry think about having a smoking hot daughter who is a professional cheerleader (when not serving as a CPA)?

“It’s pretty cool. I get free tickets to the games.”

Well, that’s a relief. Now if this guy had won the Masters, then we could really relate to him. And to Kentucky, which, in our case, might be a first.

masters boob grab

Of course, having Lesslye around makes some things irresistible. Like, say, squeezing things. Evidently, that’s even more pressing when you see a star like Tiger Woods make a big shot in person. Case in point: Check out this video from the 15th green at Augusta yesterday:

Now THAT is one grabby husband! Or partner. Or stranger who happened to be sitting behind a large-breasted woman who, after copious amounts of alcohol, was OK with a fat, drunk guy lean up against her and wrap his arm around her shoulder.

In fact, please let it be option No. 3. That would be beyond hilarious, particularly since it pushed CBS’s Masters coverage into the rarefied air of, well, precisely the kind of crap they show in the middle of the day during the week.

You know, for all the masturbatory pseudo-celebration about Cabrera’s second major title, there’s an equal case to be made that Tiger and Phil Mickelson choked a way a chance at supreme, all-time greatness. After all, that really was a horrendous playoff.

• In case you missed it on Saturday — and it lasted long enough that it started to feel like the furniture toward the midpoint of overtime — the NCAA Div. I hockey championship wasn’t just good, it was all-time great. Maybe even the greatest of all time.

• Speaking of hockey, the NHL playoff schedules came out last night, and there are at least four ridiculously intriguing first round matchups.

• The Cavs steamrolled the Celtics yesterday, a blowout that was largely overlooked because neither team’s playoff status or seeding was at stake, and Boston was playing without Kevin Garnett. Then Ray Allen decided he’d had about enough of Anderson Varejao, and suddenly, a playoff subplot was born.

• Your official ping pong ball leaders in the Blake Griffin sweepstakes: Sacramento.

• Coming soon to a Gilbert Arenas-led team near you: Another atrocious coach.

• Of course, the Wizards have hardly cornered the market on embarrassment in the nation’s capital: The Nationals can’t even sell out their season opener. Maybe it has something to do with how the team can’t win a game.

• We’re showing you this because it really doesn’t happen every day: The Pirates turned a triple play - for the first time since 1983.

• The Dodgers scored a run in the second inning yesterday even though the inning ended with a double play that stranded Andre Ethier at third base. Wait, what?

Would you buy gum from Angel Cabrera?

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Cabrera Wins God-Awful Playoff For Green Jacket

Strike up a cheer for no-necked, chain-smoking, obese athletes everywhere. After a scintillating first few hours that saw Tiger Woods and Phil Mickelson rocket into contention, Kenny Perry’s late lead evaporated with his game-winning putt coming to rest an inch away from the cup, leading to a three-man playoff between Perry, Chad Campbell, and Angel Cabrera. It ended up being probably the worst playoff in a major event in golf’s history.

Angel Cabrera smokes
(I guess you could say Cabrera smoked the competition! Oh, whatever, like you can make a better joke when you’re under deadline.)

The first playoff hole involved nobody coming close to making birdie; Cabrera’s tee shot went far into the woods, presumably so the Largentinian could sneak a few puffs away from the camera’s prying eyes. Meanwhile, Perry’s approach shot would have been better if he had just thrown his golf ball, and Chad Campbell’s was even worse. Campbell had a long putt to save par; he failed, disappointing the dozens of fans who had ever heard of him.

That left Cabrera and Perry on the second playoff hole, Hole #10. Perry stayed erratic, including sending a chip shot about 30 feet past the cup when he needed to get up and down to save par. Cabrera’s aim was truer; he two-putted for the win, and Perry’s bid to be the oldest major champion in PGA history was sunk.

Cabrera is an unlikely champion for several reasons. Read more…

Tiger Out Of Masters Race; Will People Still Care?

After “Moving Day,” or the Saturday leg of the Masters, we’ve got an interesting scenario. The final pairing is Angel Cabrera and Kenny Perry at -11, while Chad Campbell sits at -9 after a late double bogey. Jim Furyk’s an intriguing comeback pick at -8. Then there’s Tiger, tied for 10th place, but seven shots back at -4. Sorry, but that means he’s out of contention.

Tiger Woods Green Jacket
(This won’t happen.)

So are people still going to watch the Masters on Sunday? The top of the leaderboard is bunched together, so it should be exciting. Then again, Tiger’s not going to win; he’s never come back from this much of a deficit, and he has looked miserable this weekend. Not happening. So this is golf’s health test: will people spend their Easter watching players like Angel Cabrera and Jim Furyk fight for a major?

Read more…

U.S. Team Brings Ryder Cup Back To The States

There’s nothing quite like the Ryder Cup, where high-profile professional golfers put their individual accomplishments aside for a weekend and work as an actual team. And America was made proud today as our boys in red, white, and blue took home the trophy from those pretentious cappuccino-sipping Europeans.

Jim Furyk, Ryder Cup

(”Give me back my cup!”)

The final day began with the U.S. team up 9-7 on the Europeans. The lead quickly rose when rookie Anthony Kim defeated Europe’s Sergio Garcia, who suffered his worst loss in Ryder Cup history. Following up on that, Kenny Perry, Boo Weekly and J.B. Holmes all won their matches before Jim Furyk finally clinched the cup with a victory over Miguel Angel Jimenez, giving the Americans the necessary 14.5 points.

Even more shocking was that the team won without Tiger Woods, which is kind of like the Patriots winning the Super Bowl after losing Tom Brady.

Read more…