• HOG HEAVEN spills the pork and beans, as ex-NFL journeyman Shane Matthews believes ex-Redskins coach Steve Spurrier is best used on the college sidelines:

• INSIDE UCLA has the touching story of coach Karl Dorrell bringing a little joy to a young Bruin fan.

• SIGNAL TO NOISE spruces up news that protestors at Cal-Berkeley don’t have to make like a tree and leave.

• THE ANGRY T watches where they step, as a high school football team in North Carolina gets goosed:

• SPORTS COLUMN senses some Vick-ious revenge, as an NFL player’s canine attacks two people at his home.

• THE EXTRAPOLATER does their patriotic duty and watches the US team compete in the World Cup…of Rugby.

• ALLIGATOR ARMY has a warning for Vols fans invading Gainesville this weekend: Keep your hands off our women!

• The SAN ANTONIO EXPRESS-NEWS calmly wonders if a new Cowboys coach will result in a new Terrell Owens.

• MR. IRRELEVANT puts on their boogie shoes, as the boys get down & funky on Blog Show.

• DEEP SOUTH SPORTS learns that when you ask Ole Miss coach Ed Orgeron for an autograph, make sure you give him the right school’s hat:

• Can’t wait to see all the new NHL jerseys? POPJOCKS recommends picking up a copy of EA Sports NHL 08.

• THE TYGRRRR EXPRESS discusses the dilemma of watching pro pigskin on Jewish holidays.

KU COACH MANGINO EATS MAKES MORE THAN LLOYD CARR: Undoubtedly our favorite college football site is CoachesHotSeat.com. The site ranks every single Division I-A college football by likelihood of getting the sack.

Right now, Al Groh of Virginia is #1 - somehow ahead of Lloyd Carr (#2) and Charlie Weis (#3). The rest of the current Top 10, which is updated weekly:

4) Sylvester Croom (Miss St.)
5) Houston Nutt (Ark.)
6) Tommy West (Memphis)
7) Mike Stoops (Ariz.)

Greg Robinson (Syracuse)
9) Kyle Whittingham (Utah)
10) Ted Roof (Duke)

Also listed are the salaries of all I-A head coaches for the 2007 season, which is nearly as interesting as the rankings (great stuff!).

From that we learned that our favorite college football coach, prime gastric bypass surgery candidate Mark Mangino at Kansas, makes an astounding $1.5M+ per season. Meanwhile, Carr pulls in $1.2M annually (we’re guessing UM fans would take fatboy at the moment).

More coaches who have great agents (and/or dumbass ADs):

• Weis $3.5M(!)
• Kirk Ferentz (Iowa) $2.8M
• Groh $1.8M
• Gary Pinkel (Mizzou) $1.3M
• The Zooker (Illinois) $1.2M

• Guy Morriss (Baylor): $1.14M
• Todd Graham (Tulsa): $1.1M (what the?)
• Gene Chizik (Iowa St.): $1.1M(!)
• Dan Hawkins (Colorado): $1.1M

And coaches who have sh– agents (and/or discerning ADs):

• Frank Solich (Ohio) $262K
• Karl Dorrell (UCLA) $800K

• Chris Peterson (Boise) $850K
• Bill Doba (Wazzu) $599K
• June Jones (Hawaii) $820K
• Jim Tressel (Ohio St.) $2.0M

Your lowest paid Division I-A Coaches: Shane Montgomery, Miami (OH), $139,500 and Charlie Weatherbie, Louisiana-Monroe, $130K.

OUR JONESIN’ FOR KARL DORRELL IS STARTING TO KICK IN: With MLB season officially over in L.A. after last weekend …

It’s time to look forward to another 7-5 season!

• DEADSPIN bottoms out with Miami Heat player James Posey throwing up signs, while a girl is just throwing up:

• SONS OF SAM MALONE hopes to Bond victims together with their 10-step program in dealing with 755*.

• FIRE JOE MORGAN laughed until they stopped, as they perform their own analysis of Jay Mohr on FoxSports.com.

• BEARS NECESSITY hopes future Cal student Allison Stokke can finally get away from the spotlight she keeps vaulting into:

• After Tom Glavine, will another pitcher ever be able to reach 300 wins? Rahula Strohl of CHICAGOSPORTS.COM locates a candidate who could be next.

• Stephen Holder of the ST. PETERSBURG TIMES reminisces about Clinton Portis not telling his college coach he was going pro.

• What are they showing on the Lambeau Jumbotron? PACKERS REPORT points out that Family Night at the Green Bay stadium costs “less than price of an adult movie ticket.”

• YARDBARKER knows it’s all about the benjamins, as LeBron James gets money advice from his childhood friends.

• RAIDER TAKE knows this season is the one, as laid out in their Oakland Raiders manifesto.

• ARIZONA SPORTS HUB has lost a reader, now that Sun Devils QB Rudy Carpenter doesn’t want to read about himself ‘n’ Brynn ‘n’ Matt anymore:

• BRUINS NATION finds that UCLA football coach Karl Dorrell is the real Mr. Irrelevant.

• LION IN OIL kicks out the jams, as a young rapper is bringin’ his mad b-ball skillz to da SC, G.

TROJANS’ TERRIBLE TALES NOT TARNISHING THEIR IMAGE?: The PAC-10 FANBLOG digs deep to see just how dirty the USC football program has been under Pete Carroll:

Since Carrol came to power in 2001, there have been allegations of assault, drug possession, sexual assault, spousal battery, steroid use, and creating racist internet groups.

On a lark, Google searches were done to see how much Carroll has tarnished the Trojans, in comparison to some other big-name coaches. The results:pete carroll arrested - 41,200
joe paterno arrested - 37,100
charlie weis arrested - 32,900
bobby bowden arrested - 29,800
karl dorrell arrested - 870

TROY’S LAZY-BOY: Steve Mason and John Ireland of KSPN-AM’s “Big Show” report that Los Angeles furniture store H.D. Buttercup, which is the largest in the city, has an interesting offer for football fans in L.A. this week.

Fans who buy at least $2,000 worth of furniture at the store before kickoff of the USC-UCLA football game at the Rose Bowl this Saturday will get that furniture for free if UCLA wins the game (the Bruins are two touchdown underdogs).

No truth to the rumor that UCLA Coach Karl Dorrell was seen shopping for dinette sets there this week.

UCLA’S IRISH FLING BETRAYS FAITHFUL: I attended the UCLA-ND game Saturday. The Bruins (and more specifically, coach Karl Dorrell) treated the shockingly gigantic throng of UCLA fans in attendance to perhaps the ugliest loss in school history, obliterating in 30 seconds what should have been a historic triumph for the Bruins.

But as bad as Dorrell’s judgement was on the gridiron, the UCLA contingent off-the-field was somehow more of an embarrassment.

Witness this scene, featuring a UCLA-sponsored juggler, yell leaders in cargo pants and sweatbands (in 40-degree weather), and the obligatory politically correct female mascot.

Just as disconcerting as that bizarro trio was Dorrell’s decision to once again allow the biggest joke in the Pac Ten, Towel Guy, to dominate the UCLA sideline.

Towel Guy (UCLA Assistant AD Ed Kezirian), who is the most universally-mocked faux football figure in the history of SoCal football, inexplicably twirls a towel (from Hampton Inn?) above his head throughout the game, under the misguided assumption that he and he alone will prompt UCLA alums to watch the field, and not their watches (uh, it never works).

ORAL VICTORY? No doubt last Saturday USC supporters were celebrating the demise of their crosstown rivals (even thought ND is a permanent target on the Trojan dartboard), but I’m here to provide a silver lining for UCLA-centrics.

The night before the titantic tilt, after the final course (see behemoth banana pie) of a delightful dinner with several UCLA supporters at a famed steakhouse in Chicago, an unnamed server revealed his long-hidden feelings about USC fans, who patronize the eponymous establishment every other year: “Next year, I’m taking off the week USC plays Notre Dame (in nearby South Bend).

“USC fans are the most arrogant (expletive) … it’s a complete abortion waiting on those people. It’s amazing how different you (UCLA fans) are.“

USC under Pete Carroll in November: 14-0.
UCLA under Karl Dorrell in November: 1-6.

One more sign (see BCS) that college football is woefully mired in the dark ages: The ASSOCIATED PRESS reports that "UCLA’s Karl Dorrell is the only minority head coach for a bowl team." And calling the 6-6 Bruins a "bowl team" is being charitable.

Joe McDonnell of KSPN-AM asks underachieving UCLA football coach Karl Dorrell, "Do you think your job is on the line this year?"

Dorrell: "Not at all. Dan (UCLA AD Guerrero) knows it takes some time to get things in place. Now everything is in place. Now there is a better comfort level. You’ll see a totally different program in 2004."