6:17 PM Cincinnati WR Chris Henrysuffers a broken forearm during the Bengals' 17-7 win over the Ravens, and could be out for the rest of the season.
5:53 PMPeyton Manning becomes the first NFL QB to throw for 40,000 in a single decade, and his 125th career win ties him with Frank Tarkenton at 4th on the all-time QB victory list. Jim Caldwell also becomes the first NFL coach to start his career 8-0 since 1930.
One of the most uncomfortable dynamics in sports is that whole father-coaching-son thing. It can go one of two ways: higher expectations (awkward meals at the dinner table), or blind devotion to the dream of vicarious success (Cody Hawkins, starting quarterback). Either way, it’s a pretty obvious conflict of interest and it often ends up sucking for everyone else on the team.
(Playing for your own Grandpa? Oh Joy!)
But for as complex and strained the dynamic can be between fathers and sons can be, grandfathers and grandsons are on a whole different tip. That’s because grandparents just give you everything. There’s no expectations, no standards, no nothing, it’s just here you go and don’t tell your dad time for my nap byebye. And that’s how it’s going to be in Kansas State next year.
Remember last month’s somewhat incredible story about fired Kansas State football coach Ron Prince’s double-secret $3.2 million buyout agreement? It raised a few eyebrows but mostly resulted in a couple chuckles at the expense of the supposedly rogue former athletic director who inked the deal, and that was it. The university claimed that it was a one-off bizarro agreement, and everyone went back to ignoring the ag school in the middle of the Sunflower State.
(KSU Vice-Chancellor for Financial Affairs, Slappy McEnron)
Today, however, all hell is breaking loose out in the Little Apple (that’s Manhattan, Kansas, if you’re unfamiliar with the hip Kansas lingo) with the release of a confidential university audit performed over recent months and just made public in the past day or two. As it turns out, Ron Prince’s little side bet with former AD Bob Krause is just business as usual for a university that possibly committed some serious financial fraud.
SPORTSbyBROOKS, in conjunction with Disney on Broadway and RosieO’Donnell, is proud to present the upcoming smash Internet musical that will leave your toes a-tappin’ and your wallet a-empty: How to Succeed at Sports Business Without Really Trying!
Nathan Lane plays Sam Zell, a real estate magnate who overleverages himself in order to buy a major company in a rapidly shrinking industry just before the lending bubble bursts. It’s zany fun (except for the hundreds laid off, but they’re offstage anyway).
Desperate to make debt payments, he tries to sell the only profitable part of the company: a sports team known for being both lovable and not-winners. Still, he can’t find anyone willing to put up with his byzantine conditions in time to avoid bankruptcy.
However, to please the bankruptcy judge and try to salvage some of his own wealth, he presses on (as captured in the frenetic number, “Doesn’t Anyone Want to Get My Goat?”) and finds a family willing to buy the team off him.
Will the family bow to the planted story and give the charismatic dwarf what he demands? Will his bluff be called and leave him singing “The Blue-Pinstriped Bankrupt Overtaxed Blues”?
And that’s just Act One, kids! Just wait till you see what’s in Act Two!
As the curtain rises on the second act, a strikingly successful bald man with an accent from the Queen’s lands (Patrick Stewart in a rare singing role) tries to make off in the night with a bag jammed full of hockey players from Phoenix (The Jonas Brothers). Caught at the U.S./Canada border, he tries to plead his case to the judge, who laughs him off and tells him to get back in line.
Having been cast a hand so weak that he could call it “The Stranger”, Jim Balsillie (the aforementioned smooth-headed rascal) organizes Make It Seven Day for today (June 19th) to encourage the creation or move of an NHL team to Canada to raise the number of Canadian NHL teams to seven.
(Jim Balsillie performing “Make It Seven the Really Hard Way”)
He bounces around the stage, Robert Preston-style, to sing to people that “Make It Seven Day is all about providing a voice to Canadian hockey fans, while raising money for minor hockey teams across the country.” (It all sounds better when it’s set to Elton John’s “Greater Toronto Area Freedom”.)
The Canadian chorus, recognizing a true Canadian hero in their midst, throw him onto their shoulders while he waves the Maple Leaf triumphantly and leads a round of “O Canada (Deserves a Seventh Team)” before someone in the crowd (Robin Thicke) realizes Balsillie is using nationalism (and corporate sponsors) to give himself a plaything and cast himself as a hero as well as a billionaire.
Also, the kid in the crowd realizes that the rich bald guy still hasn’t brought them a team, either, for all his bluster.
The crowd escorts Balsillie to the edge of the stage and tosses him back to America, warning him not to come back without a team this time. End of Act Two.
Oh, but Act Three… it’s the most expensive act in Internet musical history as it involves tearing Formula One asunder by chasing all the wealthiest teams (including Ferrari and McLaren) into forming their own league because Formula One dared suggested they not outspend all the other teams so badly anymore.
Well, the rich teams responded in eight-team harmony, if you won’t let us spend ridiculously in Formula One, we’ll build our own playpen so we can try to outspend each other with absurd amounts of cash.
Needless to say, this act’s a blatant theft of the American version of this musical, starring Jesse L. Martin as Tony George. It ends like the American version, too: both sides drain all the interest out of open-wheel racing, the money dries up, and Danica Patrick is cast as the savior. (Hey, if NASCAR can do it…)
(As always, it’s a race to the bottom with Danica)
On the other hand, you should see Formula One boss Max Mosley’sNaziriffic spanktastic encore for this show (and Formula One’s final bow):
As the old joke goes, Jeremy Roenick donned his sparkly collar and surely proved that he has a career waiting for him on the stage, as seen during last night’s NHL Awards. In fact, if he hurries, there’s a stage leaving town in 15 minutes.
The Detroit Tigers have benched Magglio Ordoñez“indefinitely” due to his mediocre performance at the plate and definitely not because management has told Jim Leyland to sit on The Big Tilde to avoid triggering a clause in his contract to pay him $18 million in 2010. However, if Ordoñez would like to catch up on his DVR watching during the game, that would be totally cool with the Tigers.
If you’re a big fan of your favorite team, you won’t just stop at collecting cards or jerseys. You’ll also buy the unauthorized porn video (whose screen captures are probably just a bit NSFW). C’mon; if you’re in for an inch, you’re… probably doing it wrong, actually.
Let’s see… an AL pitcher is hurt on the basepaths in interleague games for the second year in a row. You know what that means: OMG PANDEMIC RUN FOR THE HILLS (unless you’re an AL pitcher; they get designated runners).
A few members of Iran’s soccer team donned green quietly to support the growing support for those demonstrating back in Iran while the players participate in the Confederations Cup in South Africa. They could be in a bit of trouble when they return home.
Unless you live in Kansas or harbor a severe masochistic streak, you’d be forgiven for not following Kansas State football the past few years, as the once-proud program went from Big XII powerhouse to laughingstock in the matter of a few short years under comically inept head coach Ron Prince.
(You stay classy, Ron Prince.)
Over the past 24 hours, however, the Kansas State Wildcats have stormed back into the consciousness of college football fans in a way they never could on the field, with a whopping tale of intrigue involving deposed coach Prince, secret backroom deals, illegal contracts, shell companies, shady boosters, and the firing of former athletic director Bob Krause.
What’s tougher than Big 12 defenses? Well, a lot of things, judging by the stats compiled by a number of Big 12 South quarterbacks this season. Chief among them, however, is the prospect of facing air-tight child abuse charges, exactly the scenario that former Kansas State running back Leon Patton is staring right in the face after a Friday arraignment.
(Patton’s grip on his son was looser than his grip on the ball.)
According to the ASSOCIATED PRESS, Patton will face the charge in court on Jan. 26 after police determined that Patton “unlawfully and feloniously and intentionally shook,” a two-month old infant July 15 at his Manhattan, Kansas house. That infant just so happens to be his son.
Evidently Patton just never got the whole, “Don’t shake babies!” message, which is pretty inexcusable. It’s not exactly a hard message to get through one’s skull.
Give it up for our northern friends, the Calgary Stampeders, for capturing the Canadian Football League’s Grey Cup with a 22-14 win over the Montreal Alouettes. The pride of Temple University, Henry Burris, was named the MVP by totaling over 400 yards from the QB position, while Sandro DeAngelis was named the top Canadian after kicking five field goals. Yes, Canadians get their own award, and yes, it’s probably also in French.
(A typical Calgarian)
So while the Canadian championship may be but a footnote in American sports blurbs, briefs, whirlwinds, and newspaper agate pages, the NFL teams could certainly learn from the Stamps to help further their franchises.
• Tennessee Titans — So you lost your first game? You got whacked by the New York Jets at home 34-13? No worries. The Stamps lost 37-16 at home to the Edmonton Eskimos back on September 1.
• Arizona Cardinals — Don’t worry about the loss to the 37-29 loss to the New York Giants. Like the Stampeders’ Burris, Kurt Warner also played in the NFL Europe for a year. And if that’s not enough solace, then I don’t know what to tell you.
• Bears, Broncos, Dolphins, Bills, Broncos, and whoever wins the Packers/Saints game tonight: You all have five losses. Aw, poor babies. Calgary’s regular season record? 13-5. (Oh, yeah, and the Giants lost six last year. But that doesn’t apply here.)
• Browns, Jaguars, Chargers, Eagles, and whoever loses the Packers/Saints game tonight — you all had high hopes this year, but it’s just not looking like it’ll happen this year. No sweat. Last year the Stampeders went 7-10-1.
• Detroit Lions — You guys, much like many of the players on the Stampeders, still have your health.
Know how your co-worker got an iPhone, so everyone else got one? In a trend of reverse cutting edge technology, college teams are now embracing old solutions to new problems having seen what’s going on in Penn State. Rather than get a trendy receivers coach to lead a big-time program, Kansas State will announce this morning that Bill Snyder, 69 years young, will return as the Wildcats’ head coach. Joe Paterno will now have someone to discuss what it was like to listen to Harry Truman’s speech.
Time once again for a lesson on non-tie NFL rules: A team is allowed to attempt a field goal without an oncoming rush if the team just made a fair catch off a punt. The Arizona Cardinals knew this, and with five ticks left in the first half of their game against the Giants in such a position, Neil Rackers attempted a 68-yard field goal, which would’ve been the longest kick in NFL history by five yards. Let’s take a look-see:
Yum. Can you fit in ten more Thanksgiving metaphors this week? How about links instead?
It’s another NFL Network Thanksgiving miracle, thanks to Sen. Arlen Specter, apparently chairman on the Subcommittee to Fix Sports Things. The Philadelphia Eagles-Arizona Cardinals game will be shown on local Pennsylvania TV stations, although perhaps after Sunday’s loss, this is more of a curse than a blessing.
Old hat: Japanese veteran baseball player. New fedora: Japanese phenom baseball player. Old hat again: the Red Sox sign him, NPB TRACKER reports (or translates SPONICHI ANNEX’s report, which is the same thing). Jinichi Tazawa will get $3 million over 3 years, but will have to develop his Japanese-taught mannerisms in an American-style pitching system. Baseball purists ought to keep an eye on this project.
More from the Fins/Pats game: Matt Light and Channing Crowder could be BFFs for the rest of us know, but at the worst possible time they got in kind of a fight. BALLHYPE has video proof.
Contrary to previous optimism in which the Detroit Lions could win a game this year: the DETROIT NEWS’ John Niyo is reporting the Detroit Lions probably won’t win a game this year.
Cliff Lee isn’t just the Cy Young winner, he also won “Cleveland’s Man Of The Year” as voted on by the local chapter of the BBWAA. Also some guy named Luis Isaac, who was with the Indians for over 40 years, won an award for getting fired and not being a bitch about it. The award, unfortunately, is not a new job.
The TORONTO STAR’s Rosie DiMannoisn’t at all fooled at the Maple Leafs honoring Wendel Clark in a ceremony last night, since the Leafs haven’t won the Stanley Cup in 41 years because Clark isn’t seven people.
And finally, it’s time for your Iranian sports news update. The Grizzlies’ Hamed Haddadi will be sent down to the Dakota Wizards of the NBA D-League. Hey, it beats getting flipped off by your GM. Almost.
(Note: I left Florida out because if Alabama stays undefeated, they will have to beat the Gators in the SEC Championship, putting them at two losses.)
Oklahoma State played like the second-best team in the nation this afternoon. There was one tiny problem, however, with Oklahoma State’s virtuoso performance, and that is that they were facing the best team, Texas. The Cowboys’ feisty resistance kept them in the game all day long, and Texas was only able to escape, 28-24, after a last-second Hail Mary fell harmlessly to the turf, batted down at the 10-yard line. Sure, superman WR Dez Bryant had gotten past the Texas secondary, but that’s mainly because the secondary was playing the ball, which was nowhere near Bryant when it came back down to earth. It was a gritty, gutty fight on both sides, though, certainly a better fight than (ahem) Oklahoma put up, and only the most careless of pollsters will drop Oklahoma State more than a spot or two for this loss.
Elsewhere in college football this afternoon… Read more…
In terms of people I wouldn’t mind seeing be forced to eat a slice of Broken Glass cake and wash it down with a big, ice cold glass of battery acid, child abusers are right at the top. Especially now that I have a daughter. So it’s with seething eyes that I read on RIVALS.COM that Kansas State running back Leon Patton was arrested on Thursday and charged with child abuse, with the alleged victim being his four-month-old son.
Wildcats head coach Ron Prince has already reacted swiftly, kicking Patton off of the team. According to KAKE-TV in Wichita, Patton has already been indefinitely suspended from the team after pleading no contest in July to charges relating to the theft of two video games from a Wal-Mart and unpaid tickets. Based on the nature of the charges now against him, I’m going to go out on a limb and assume that the games weren’t kid’s games like Pokemon.
