The Cincinnati Reds have been playing baseball for nearly 120 years, but never had they been beaten as badly as they were last night by the Phillies at Citizens Bank Park. Back on July 26th, 1892, the Phillies blasted the Reds 26-6 at the Baker Bowl. That would stand for nearly 107 years as the franchise’s worst loss, until Dusty Baker’s Reds were bowled over by the Phillies again last night, this time by a 22-1 margin.

The Phils dropped 10 runs in the first inning and just kept piling on. Cincinnati starter Johnny Cueto came into the game with a 2.69 ERA, but after allowing nine runs while recording only two outs, that mark soared to 3.45. Even more shocking, Baker actually took him out of the game. By the time the eighth inning rolled around, backup shortstop Paul Janish was serving up a grand slam to Jayson Werth.

Phillies starter Cole Hamels probably said it best: “When you put that many runs up, it makes it uncomfortable for the other team.” Kind of like the back of a Volkswagen.

(”I’m not even supposed to be here today”)

The Cubs beat the Braves, as Aramis Ramirez returned from the DL, but their fans are still probably beating their heads against a wall after watching Jason Marquis throw yet another shutout for the Rockies. Colorado’s 1-0 win over the Nats was just the eighth 1-0 game in the history of Coors Field.

Pablo “Panda” Sandoval hit the game-winning grand slam as the Giants held off the Marlins 5-4 last night, and I’m happy to report that the big guy is currently leading in the voting for the last All-Star slot.

Apparently, you no longer need to be tagged out to be called out in baseball. Well, we’ve long suspected that, but umpire Marty Foster actually told Derek Jeter that it didn’t matter that he avoided Scott Rolen’s tag at third base — he was out because the throw beat him there. This is the same guy who called a Yankee out at home plate yesterday even though the catcher tagged him with an empty glove. Joe Girardi didn’t like the explanation and got tossed, and crew chief John Hirschbeck actually kinda threw Foster under the bus after the game. Hirschbeck has even said he will sit his crewmates down for a talk about other erroneous calls in the Yanks-Jays game yesterday.

(Nearly every photo of Foster on the Internet looks something like this.)

Thankfully, there is some good news for future patrons of Yankee Stadium. Those of you who have to pee during the seventh-inning stretch can now do so without the risk of being thrown out of the yard. The Red Sox fan who was ejected for trying to go the bathroom during “God Bless America” also is getting a settlement of more than $10,000 from the City of New York. What I find funny about the whole thing is that when I worked in the press box at the old Stadium, media members often used the long break to take care of business. Heck, Bob Sheppard’s whole spiel before they played Kate Smith’s rendition of the song was taped, and he was usually on the way to the men’s room at the time.

• As if Phil Mickelson needed any more bad news, word comes that his mother has also been diagnosed with breast cancer. We probably shouldn’t expect to see much of Phil on the golf course anytime soon.

• WASTING AWAY IN WRIGLEYVILLE says that Erik Estrada has seen a lot of child pornography. How could they make such an absurd claim? Maybe it’s because when Estrada appeared on the Cubs-Braves telecast last night, he said “I’ve seen a lot of child pornography.” You know it’s a strange interview when a mention of Ron Jeremy’s wang isn’t the highlight. Video is up for now (see it while you can!)

• When a photo like this is out there, there’s just no excuse NOT to run it. Yes, this is the mug shot of “Three’s Company” star Joyce DeWitt, who was booked for DUI on Saturday:

The sports angle? Uhhhh, remember that one episode where Mr. Furley thinks Jack’s gay and Jack gets hit in the face with a door and there’s some really crazy misunderstanding that could’ve easily been averted? And it was at…the Super Bowl? Remember? I got nothing.

• The World Series of Poker’s main event is under way, and while nearly 6,500 players entered, there were hundreds that were shut out yesterday because the Rio reached its capacity.

• Darren Rovell is a little surprised that Lacoste ran a full-page ad on the back of the NEW YORK TIMES sports section…congratulating Andy Roddick.

• I don’t even really know what to say about this, other than there’s a new world’s strongest vagina. If that isn’t solid late-night programming on The Ocho, I don’t know what is.

• Remember how the Nets were supposed to supposed to be moving into a brand-new fancy arena in downtown Brooklyn this year? Yeah, they haven’t even broken ground yet. The NY DAILY NEWS says the earliest an arena could be finished is 2012, and it might take much longer than that — if it happens at all.

• The Royals have taken a bit of a beating lately about the relative quality of their medical/training staff. So I suppose it’s only fitting that they took Ryan Freel’s word that he’s “100% healthy” when they acquired him from the Cubs.

• THE GOOD POINT went out and recruited a bunch of basketball bloggers to recount their favorite memories of the 2008-09 season.

• Now that the Cubs have been sold, is Wrigley Field going to undergo some sort of makeover?

• Everyone’s favorite fake cheerleader, Hayden Panettiere, visited David Letterman last night to talk about swimming with dolphins (that’s more of a sport than poker, right?) and to promote her new movie where she plays (shockingly) a hot cheerleader. Meanwhile, rumors are swirling that Heroes has finally given up and is just fishing for ratings by having her go girl-on-girl in the upcoming season. Here she is before her Letterman appearance:

• A 71-year-old former boxing champ beats & bruises a 23-year-old knife-wielding would-be burglar. The kid should’ve stayed off his lawn.

• The New York Mets get on the bus and stop a 5-game losing streak. Too bad their next bus stop ended up at a Furries convention.

• Landon Donovan releasing new book that bashes David Beckham.

• A Cubs fan vows to go on a semi-hunger strike until the Baby Bears win 5 in a row. It was nice knowing ya, pal.

• It’s like the old saying goes: Mexican midget wrestlers & hookers just don’t mix.

Read more…

Rag on the players all you want. Call for the head of a manager; it’s practically America’s second pastime. But dare to suggest that a team’s medical staff isn’t up to par? Now you’ve gone too far.

(Pic semi-related)

That’s the message sent by the Royals, who have banned one of their most loyal fans and followers, after he wrote a blog post criticizing Kansas City’s head athletic trainer. Oh, and this isn’t your typical blogger writing from his parents’ dimly lit basement. He co-founded Baseball Prospectus. But then, as their win-loss record will tell you, the Royals aren’t much for numbers.

Read more…

One of the universe’s greatest unsolved mysteries, up there with quantum physics and the question of extraterrestrial life, is the continued employment of MLB “pitcher” Sidney Ponson. Ponson, a known menace and professional DUI-getter, has a career record of 90-106 and an ERA of just under 5.00. His mediocrity on the mound is only a small part of the tale, though. Ponson has been jettisoned from nearly every team he’s every played for (a total of seven teams) for being some combination of bad/fat/drunk/stupid/unlikeable. Yet, the man still has a job on a Major League roster (well, OK, Kansas City, but still).

(There is a link on Ponson’s Wikipedia profile titled “Sidney Ponson Uncut.” I suggest you not click it.)

Even more confounding than his continued employment is the news that Ponson, who maybe weighed 250 lbs in middle school, tested positive for a WEIGHT-LOSS stimulant at the World Baseball Classic. Weight. Loss. Sidney. Ponson. Head asplode.

Read more…

SPORTSbyBROOKS, in conjunction with Disney on Broadway and Rosie O’Donnell, is proud to present the upcoming smash Internet musical that will leave your toes a-tappin’ and your wallet a-empty: How to Succeed at Sports Business Without Really Trying!

Nathan Lane plays Sam Zell, a real estate magnate who overleverages himself in order to buy a major company in a rapidly shrinking industry just before the lending bubble bursts. It’s zany fun (except for the hundreds laid off, but they’re offstage anyway).

Desperate to make debt payments, he tries to sell the only profitable part of the company: a sports team known for being both lovable and not-winners. Still, he can’t find anyone willing to put up with his byzantine conditions in time to avoid bankruptcy.

However, to please the bankruptcy judge and try to salvage some of his own wealth, he presses on (as captured in the frenetic number, “Doesn’t Anyone Want to Get My Goat?”) and finds a family willing to buy the team off him.

When negotiations don’t progress as hoped because he’s not getting his way and the family has to turn to regional celebrities to pony up cash, Zell tries to gin up a bidding war by hinting that he might be speaking to one of the previously-rejected suitors.

Will the family bow to the planted story and give the charismatic dwarf what he demands? Will his bluff be called and leave him singing “The Blue-Pinstriped Bankrupt Overtaxed Blues”?

And that’s just Act One, kids! Just wait till you see what’s in Act Two!

As the curtain rises on the second act, a strikingly successful bald man with an accent from the Queen’s lands (Patrick Stewart in a rare singing role) tries to make off in the night with a bag jammed full of hockey players from Phoenix (The Jonas Brothers). Caught at the U.S./Canada border, he tries to plead his case to the judge, who laughs him off and tells him to get back in line.

Having been cast a hand so weak that he could call it “The Stranger”, Jim Balsillie (the aforementioned smooth-headed rascal) organizes Make It Seven Day for today (June 19th) to encourage the creation or move of an NHL team to Canada to raise the number of Canadian NHL teams to seven.

(Jim Balsillie performing “Make It Seven the Really Hard Way”)

He bounces around the stage, Robert Preston-style, to sing to people that “Make It Seven Day is all about providing a voice to Canadian hockey fans, while raising money for minor hockey teams across the country.” (It all sounds better when it’s set to Elton John’s “Greater Toronto Area Freedom”.)

The Canadian chorus, recognizing a true Canadian hero in their midst, throw him onto their shoulders while he waves the Maple Leaf triumphantly and leads a round of “O Canada (Deserves a Seventh Team)” before someone in the crowd (Robin Thicke) realizes Balsillie is using nationalism (and corporate sponsors) to give himself a plaything and cast himself as a hero as well as a billionaire.

Also, the kid in the crowd realizes that the rich bald guy still hasn’t brought them a team, either, for all his bluster.

The crowd escorts Balsillie to the edge of the stage and tosses him back to America, warning him not to come back without a team this time. End of Act Two.

Oh, but Act Three… it’s the most expensive act in Internet musical history as it involves tearing Formula One asunder by chasing all the wealthiest teams (including Ferrari and McLaren) into forming their own league because Formula One dared suggested they not outspend all the other teams so badly anymore.

Well, the rich teams responded in eight-team harmony, if you won’t let us spend ridiculously in Formula One, we’ll build our own playpen so we can try to outspend each other with absurd amounts of cash.

Needless to say, this act’s a blatant theft of the American version of this musical, starring Jesse L. Martin as Tony George. It ends like the American version, too: both sides drain all the interest out of open-wheel racing, the money dries up, and Danica Patrick is cast as the savior. (Hey, if NASCAR can do it…)

(As always, it’s a race to the bottom with Danica)

On the other hand, you should see Formula One boss Max Mosley’s Naziriffic spanktastic encore for this show (and Formula One’s final bow):

Look out; here comes the bullet points! (But not before you consider a new iPhone for all the NSFW foreplay possibilities):

• As the old joke goes, Jeremy Roenick donned his sparkly collar and surely proved that he has a career waiting for him on the stage, as seen during last night’s NHL Awards. In fact, if he hurries, there’s a stage leaving town in 15 minutes.

• The Detroit Tigers have benched Magglio Ordoñez “indefinitely” due to his mediocre performance at the plate and definitely not because management has told Jim Leyland to sit on The Big Tilde to avoid triggering a clause in his contract to pay him $18 million in 2010. However, if Ordoñez would like to catch up on his DVR watching during the game, that would be totally cool with the Tigers.
• If you’re a big fan of your favorite team, you won’t just stop at collecting cards or jerseys. You’ll also buy the unauthorized porn video (whose screen captures are probably just a bit NSFW). C’mon; if you’re in for an inch, you’re… probably doing it wrong, actually.
• Let’s see… an AL pitcher is hurt on the basepaths in interleague games for the second year in a row. You know what that means: OMG PANDEMIC RUN FOR THE HILLS (unless you’re an AL pitcher; they get designated runners).
• A few members of Iran’s soccer team donned green quietly to support the growing support for those demonstrating back in Iran while the players participate in the Confederations Cup in South Africa. They could be in a bit of trouble when they return home.

• Hey, you know what makes total sense? Having one of the best closers in the game and then only pitching him in two truly close games so far this season. There’s a guy not being overleveraged.
• Also making sense: stealing second on a walk. Could one of the nine defenders on the field watch out for that guy walking to first? Thanks.
• The attendance problems should be solved at Nats Park now: kosher’s back!
• While you’re already eyeing the door at work today, consider this: At least you’re not the head coach of the Sudanese soccer team.
• On the other hand, wouldn’t it be nice to work in Kansas State’s athletic department, where the list of secret golden parachute holders grows by the day?
• And finally, Maurice Clarett would like to leave prison early so he can pursue his football career. It’s nice to want things.

• Major League Baseball without steroids is like porn without the silicone.

Just don’t blog about the subject with Raul Ibanez.

• Rodney Harrison doesn’t like how the NFL has become “soft and pansy“.

• A Fox News morning show lambasts MTV for Bruno’s ass-ault on Eminem - then does a segment with a Fox reporter doing basically the same thing to a lingerie football player.

• Tim Floyd takes off from the Trojans. What, and leave the Song Girls?

• Soon-to-be newlyweds Kendra Wilkinson & Eagles WR Hank Baskett are expecting a baby. On the other side of the spectrum, Barry Bonds’ wife demands a divorce.

Read more…

Dagger Derek? Darned Important Shot Derek?

Derek and the Three-Point Dominoes?

Perhaps the experts should handle the new handle for Derek Fisher now that he’s sunk another huge shot to carry the Lakers into overtime, where they took a formidable 3-1 series lead via a 99-91 triumph in Orlando last night. A three-pointer on an unusual inbounds play (taking it full court instead of using the opportunity to advance the ball on a time out) with just a few clicks left on the clock cinched the need for extra work from Kobe and friends.

Neither team shot the ball worth a Mouse’s posterior, allowing the Magic to freefall from a 12-point lead into an overtime where they made one lousy shot from the field. Also not helping: the Vitamin Water that made Dwight Howard’s hands too slippery, causing him to turn the ball over seven times and miss over half of his 14 free throw attempts.

The series continues Sunday (because why rush greatness?) in Orlando, but it’s all over but the Kobe Koronation (™ SPORTSbyBROOKS Industries), barring three straight Creighton-esque repeats of Game 3’s wanton abuse of the three-point stripe.

The NHL, on the other hand, has gone the distance in the Stanley Cup Finals with home ice making the difference thus far. For one more night, they’ll be able to draw attention from the Phoenix Coyotes debacle and one man’s claim that the St. Louis Blues are even worse off than the Coyotes these days.

As always, Pittsburgh has brought the charm and grace it’s known for to the final Final game table:

(That man is Bill Guerin, 87-year-old right wing for the Penguins. The sign is in Pittsburgh. The ridiculously large bird wearing the faux sandwich board probably isn’t a union member.)

On the other hand, the birds that sabotaged the Kansas City Royals last night in Cleveland have clearly organized. The Indians’ Shin-Soo Choo singled in the bottom of the tenth to score Mark DeRosa for a 4-3 win, but any possible throw to the plate to thwart the scoring attempt by DeRosa had to be abandoned when the batted ball bounced off a flock of seagulls in center field and ricocheted away:

First bugs and now nature’s winged rats… the Indians will rain down just about any ol’ plague on its enemies, won’t they? The only natural disaster of Biblical proportions left to terrorize opponents with has to be Dwight Howard’s free throws. (Bricks are the little-known 11th plague for obvious reasons.)

And now an errant hail of bullet points to enjoy while you avoid arrest while holding the police at bay by claiming to have swine flu:

• Kids are rather self-sufficient, as all parents know. You just tie ‘em up with ropes and rags and you can head down to the bar for Game 3 of the NBA Finals with zero consequences.
• Rex Grossman has gone from starting quarterback for the Chicago Bears to battling for the backup backup slot in Houston. On the other hand, he’s still being paid to play a game professionally, so we shouldn’t mo… eh, screw it; we’re mocking him deep.
• Marcus Vick might be going to jail. There’s nothing worse than a younger sibling envious of all the attention the older kid gets.
• Asking the NCAA for leniency when changing schools (and not having to sit out a year) to be closer to your sick relatives only works if you select a school next to your sick relatives. Damn you, cruel bureaucracy!
• Derrick Rose is really sorry about that gang sign thing. Best friends in marketing deals still?
• Online poker players have their winnings frozen by the Feds.
• Finally, vindication! The Phillies do have a PED-taking miscreant! Wait… Pablo Ozuna?
• Apparently, young adults are still running around in their underwear at UCLA. Are any of you young men trying to impress the young women in their undies by using package-enhancing drawers?
• And, because we’re inherently weak, a soccer player tackling a referee:

For the first time in many, many moons, I sat in a major league ballpark recently and watched two complete MLB games - pitch-by-pitch. (White Sox v. Royals weekend before last.) I worked as a professional baseball announcer for nine years, at the minor- and major-league level, and I must say that what I saw was a little surprising. And deflating (literally).

(At least porn and baseball still have bad dye jobs in common)

The speed and the power of the game that we’ve all been accustomed to the past 20 years at the MLB level is effectively gone. And the baggie unis only underline the perception that the game is now being played underwater. (Read slooooooo motion.)

Any ideas why? Bud? Roger? Alex? Barry? Governor Arnold?

Read more…

Some stuff from my adventures in KC with SbB Girl Wendy. Here’s a fun photo from Sunday’s game:

(How Mickey Mantle Got His Start In Baseball)

I’m also happy to report that Kauffman Stadium looks gorgeous after a splendid renovation - and that the economy in KC is on the rebound. Why, just look at the photo. Clear evidence that Jackson County’s once-onerous sin tax is no longer contracting conspicuous consumption at the ballpark.

But wait, there’s more!

Read more…

In the last two days, SbB Girl Wendy and I have been knee-deep in the two time-honored traditions Kansas City is famous for: Sick BBQ and watching the Royals lose.

(Dude, like we didn’t see you sneak that celly snap?)

Already in the first two games of a three game set, the Chicago Pierzynskis, have had the courtesy to wipe their feet on everybody’s favorite MLB doormat, the Royals.

So what do beleaguered KC baseball fans do when they host beautiful women from Chicago and then see the home team embarrassed by a Cook County club whose owner possesses the most impressive combover this side of Don Rickles?

Why … take her to a BBQ joint that doubles as a gas station, of course! Read more…