Jen Royle of MASN has this shot of the Orioles-Royals game at Camden Yards Monday night:

Photo was taken in the bottom of the 2nd inning. (Must’ve been the traffic.)

If you were an underfunded MLB owner with no fans and no future talent on the way because of a sub-par amateur scouting dept., what would you do to draw a crowd?

(Way ahead of ya)

If you’re the Padres, first thing would be to hire a broadcaster who last did an MLB game during Earth’s most recent episode of glaciation. Then you’d slash ballpark beer prices from an obscene to merely outrageous level.

Michael Stetz of the SAN DIEGO UNION-TRIBUNE has details on the desperate measure.

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Fox 6 in Milwaukee Tweeted this tonight: “Internet whisper says Brewers have completed deal for Royals SP Zack Greinke. Brewers supposedly sending Royals JJ Hardy, Manny Parra, Mat Gamel & Angel Salome !!! … We called Brewers GM Doug Melvin to either confirm or deny, but he’s not answering or responding right now.”

As a long-suffering Royals fan, you can imagine how I felt when I saw those Tweets. So I immediately did a Google News search and this is the only result I found:

One result? From Bleacher Report? One guess when I clicked…

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Because no battle is ever won, he said. They are not even fought. The field only reveals to man his own folly and despair, and victory is an illusion of philosophers and fools. - William Faulker, “The Sound and the Fury”

That was written by Mississippi’s “greatest author,” who I also thought was kind of overrated. Which, it turns out, could easily apply on multiple levels to the Ole Miss football team. On a national stage and with a No. 4 ranking, the Rebels completely imploded, falling 16-10 at South Carolina last night. It may or may not be true that no battle is ever won, but for Ole Miss, this one was certainly lost.

Mainly it was lost for two reasons: QB Jevan Snead had a miserable game, going 7 for 21 for 107 yards while being pressured by the Gamecocks’ defense all night. And Houston Nutt’s game plan reminded you of why he was barely a .500 coach with a backfield of Felix Jones and Darren McFadden at Arkansas. Nutt seemed unable to accept that the passing game just wasn’t working, and waited until the fourth quarter to turn to running back Dexter McLuster. He ran for 68 yards in the final quarter, but by then it was too little, too late. Read more…

 If you’ve been sentenced to 10 days in jail, there are probably only two places in the country where you might be released for a day in order to watch a baseball game. One of course would be Mayberry, N.C., where they keep the key to the cells within arm’s reach of the prisoners (see photo below). The other, as it turns out, is Keosauqua, Iowa.

Meet Randy Aaron Barker, who is serving a 10-day sentence in the Van Buren County Jail for interference with official acts and violation of a protective order (hey, we’ve all been there). But he really, really wanted to attend the Red Sox-Royals game in Kansas City on Monday, and like Sheriff Andy Taylor, the judge saw no problem with that. Just be sure to be back in your cell by 8 a.m. Tuesday morning, Randy. Read more…

Normally, you don’t see a broadcast booth spend a plurality of a football game raving about the “time of possession” statistic. Then again, normally, you don’t see a team win said battle by a full 30 minutes of game time, which is precisely what Miami did to Indianapolis last night. And then again, you don’t normally see a team control the ball for fewer than 15 minutes of the game… and win anyway.

(”Okay, so you just scored the go-ahead touchdown. Allow me to retort: BOOOO THUMBS DOWN TO YOU BOOOOOOO!”)

But lo and behold, thanks to the quickest of quick-strike offenses, the Colts did exactly that; thanks to touchdown drives of 1, 6, and 4 plays, Indianapolis prevailed in Miami, 27-23. Indeed, the Colts’ longest drive of the night was a 9-play drive that led to a 2nd quarter field goal; on the other side of the field, the Fins had exactly one shorter drive: an 8-play, 25-yard drive that ended in a punt. After that, literally every drive of theirs was 9 plays or longer. That’s the longest shortest drive since [ERROR WE ARE NOT ELIAS SPORTS BUREAU CLIENTS ABORT, RETRY, FAIL?].

Ah, but without turnovers, time of possession is effectively meaningless. Read more…

They say that animals can sense an impending natural disaster — dogs, for instance, will detect earthquakes and run for cover minutes before they hit. So it’s no wonder that this kitty, finding itself at a Kansas City Royals game, panicked and sprinted across the field in confusion and terror.

While this encounter doesn’t quite measure up to the Cubs’ legendary “Black Cat Curse” of Sept., 1969, it is amusing nonetheless. And just as damaging in the long run. Due perhaps to two separate Fail Cats, neither the ‘69 Cubs nor the ‘09 Royals got/will get to the playoffs. Read more…

• Manny Ramirez does his bobbleheads proud with a pinch-hit grand slam.

• But Minnesota Twins legend Harmon Killebrew isn’t so impressed.

• Michael Vick supposedly spent his first day of freedom at a strip club with Allen Iverson. But the no-longer incarcerated QB denies such reports.

• The Cambridge cop accused of acting racist against Harvard professor Henry Louis Gates was also the one who tried to revive Reggie Lewis after the Celtics player suffered a fatal heart attack.

• White Sox pitcher Mark Buehrle hurls a perfect game, thanks to a great catch by Dwayne Wise. Guess Ozzie Guillen made the right move, after all.

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Now that we’re past the midway point of the 2009 MLB season, it’s safe to look at the standings and definitively declare the Kansas City Royals out of contention. Sure, you might think that being 20 games under .500 would have put them out of contention long ago.  But the Royals’ season doesn’t end until we say it does (it’s in the rulebook, look it up), and since we really haven’t paid attention to them since May, we’re just now getting around to saying it.

It’s hard to believe that the Royals used to be one of the most well-run franchises in sports. Now they’re just a punchline, one of many perenially bad baseball teams for the rest of us to mock. But even amongst the other laughable franchises in baseball (Nationals, Pirates, Orioles come to mind), the Royals incredibly have a chance to stand alone as the worst team ever in the history of baseball.

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Rare is the athlete who offers candid analysis of his performance when things aren’t going well. This is a bit of a surprise, considering the trenches that doubt can carve through an athlete’s psyche, and perhaps this has an unintended consequence. If athletes more freely acknowledged disappointment and failure, would fans be so quick to rush to negativity? Or is the mere acknowledgment of subpar performance so tantamount to its acceptance that it’s, well, not acceptable?

(He even sucks at Dizzy Bat. Bat goes on the ground, Jose! And are you even drinking?!”)

But we digress; we’re five steps ahead in a two-step conversation. Let’s get back to the topic at hand: Jose Guillen, yet another disastrous free agent signing by the Kansas City Royals. He’s making $36 million over three years, a definite curiosity considering his tepid-at-best production. Jose, tell us, how’s your year going?

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