OK, I’m officially ready to move from SoBe back to Los Angeles. Living down here in the wintertime has been an absolute revelation, but as summer looms over South Florida, I’m ready to escape.

(What I’ll miss: Cheesy SoBe stage shows - with requisite optical illusion)

Besides the weather (hurricane season is here, yay!), South Beach is now officially a ghost town. In the winter and spring months, walks down Ocean Drive and Lincoln Road Mall yield mostly well-monied European tourists, Kate-Mossed models (nice, tight, drug bodies) and tastefully-implanted South American prostitutes honeys. Just like the Venice Boardwalk! (OK, maybe not)

And the best part of SoBe? The unending supply of high season hotties hangin’ all over the latest, shriveled-up Max Mosley in their life. It’s truly an inspiring vision that I wish I could share with all of you snow shovelers in Southeastern Ohio (Gallipolis!).

Sadly, all that is now gone, replaced by the now-more-noticeable homeless (and accompanying urine scent wafting over my morning eggs at News Cafe).

Like you, I knew all of this was going to happen. So I’m not upset, I still love South Florida and plan to come back next winter. Hopefully then I will, unlike T.O., experience my first Bang Bros. sighting.

(What I’ll miss: $35K bike on SoBe’s Ocean Drive highlighted by Hooters logo)

So I’m now off to clear out my crappy flat with a detonated Daisy Cutter, shoehorn the remains into my car and journey down Alligator Alley (forget that boring drive through Orlando).

I won’t be making that trip for 2-3 weeks, but I will be back in Abbot Kinney-land early next week, for a shoot with a new SbB Girl. The shoot was originally set for South Florida, but I’m going to relocate it to Lipstick City.

Say what you will about SoCal’s smog (yes, that Gulden Mustard-colored, gaseous material you notice hovering over Culver City when you fly in is S-M-O-G) and overcrowding, the opportunities to produce spectacular photos with natural light is far superior to Miami. Not to mention SoCal’s beaches present many more options for sick piccies, as opposed to the featureless SoBe strand (though the water quality is far superior).

(What I’ll miss: Sobe Street Scene Serves As Appetite Suppressant)

Oh yeah, I also have two separate invites in hand to parties at the Playboy Mansion later this month, so that might have something to do with my being suddenly moved-to-move. Read more…

John Smoltz, who started the season on the DL and managed all of five starts in 2008, will undergo season-ending shoulder surgery.

The 41-year-old pitcher, the last great player from that Atlanta Braves dynasty of the 1990s, insists that he’ll try to come back for 2009. But most of us know better. Read more…

Though the joy in Atlanta is surely tempered by the loss, all of the boys and girls on Peachtree rejoiced as Felipe Lopez struck out, making John Smoltz the 16th pitcher to record 3000 strikeouts in a career.

In the bottom of the third, Smoltz utilized his signature split-finger fastball to retire Lopez. Lopez was effusive in his praise, “that guy is good,” Lopez said. “He’s freaking nasty. He’s tough. He never follows a pattern. He changes it up.” Quite effusive, wouldn’t you agree? Read more…

• David Beckham gives a valuable tip - $900 on a $100 check:

• Asking Austrian attendees to strip for a soccer stadium shoot is the naked truth.

• A Chicago-area pilot makes a landing on a golf course - just to get his son to tennis practice on time.

• Suzy Kolber gives birth to a beautiful baby girl - and names her after a Jets QB?

Read more…

Bear in mind it’s just a simulated game, so it’s only simulated embarrassment that the world’s best golfer (allegedly) got a base hit off a Hall of Fame-caliber pitcher.

Atlanta Braves pitcher John Smoltz got ready for the season by throwing simulated games in Orlando. For fun, he invited his friend, a promising young golfer named Tiger Woods, to step into the batter’s box. In his first two at-bats against Smoltz, Tiger struck out. In his third at-bat he drew a walk on a 3-2 count, and the fourth at bat produced a ground ball back up the middle. Read more…