Speed Read: Broncos Done Foolin’ with Jay Cutler

Jay Cutler has moved from snit fit to full-on martyrdom and Denver Broncos owner Pat Bowlen has chosen to accommodate the young quarterback and search for a trade partner, thus saving Broncos fans from competency at the quarterback position.

Jay Cutler Broncos

(Sign language is still communication, right?)

Chris Simms will stand as the only vaguely quarterback-like substance on the roster, pending trade returns, after Cutler and his agent would not even return text messages for ten days (or so claimed by the Broncos organization).

While this seems superficially about placating the petulant, it would be disastrous to employ the Marcel Marceau of quarterbacks this fall if he continues his silent ways. There would be no playcalling, no leadership, and no franchise-polishing post-game quotes. For that, the Broncos could just look up Joey Harrington.

Also abandoning ship: just about every recruit formerly headed to the University of Memphis. John Calipari’s move to the University of Kentucky has most recruits for next year’s class eying the escape clause in their letters of intent that lets them wiggle free if Calipari squirms out as well.

John Calipari

(The Sweet’n'Low is also coming with him to Lexington)

With Tyreke Evans already on his way to the NBA and everyone else on the team either graduating or looking for a new school, the University of Memphis basketball team may have to outfit the equipment manager, three physical education majors, and Marc Cohn himself.

(Sure, Cohn only has one move, but he closes out every night with it.)

And now join us for a hail of bullets on the day each year the entire Internet is racked with inaccuracies, tall tales, and outright lies (and actually admits it) as we remember how the pros handle this tomfoolery

Bemidji, MN Paul Bunyan and Babe

Ron Artest at a Britney Spears concert

Jay Cutler’s next home will be…

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Blog-A-Roni: Zara Phillips No Longer Beijing-Bound

• Remember how excited we were to see Zara Phillips, granddaughter of Queen Elizabeth II, riding off for the Olympics? The BBC tells us that Zara’s plans for equestrian gold have now been zapped, ’cause her horsie’s hurt.

Zara Phillips

• Time to change pro careers? Steve Wyche of the ATLANTA JOURNAL CONSTITUTION tees up news of Joey Harrington hitting two holes-in-one on the same hole in a matter of days.

• USA TODAY salutes Sam Wyche, as the ex-NFL coach wins in his debut election in the primaries for his local county council.

• The MADISON (WI) CAPITAL TIMES hikes along the story of a female pro football player who may soon be sent off to Iraq.

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• WITH LEATHER gives a toast to the Sacramento Kings dance team:

Sacramento Kings dancers drinking

• JOE SPORTS FAN takes a look at the folks who would purposefully spend money to attend the Pro Bowl.

• THE SPORTS HERNIA briefs us on Roger Clemens’ lawyer Rusty Hardin.

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