Shockey Gives Whole New Meaning To ‘Impaired’

For the first time since around Week 11 of the ‘87 NFL season, I would’ve loved to have heard Chris Berman’s schtick applied to Jeremy Shockey at the ESPYs last night:

Jeremy Shock laughing at ESPYs award

“B.A.C. B.A.C. B.A.C. B.A.C. B.A.C. B.A.C. B.A.C. … GONE!

Seat Filler sign at the ESPYs

(Shockey at “Seat Pourer” check-in)

Not exactly a shocker, considering this sort of red carpet impairment:

Jeremy Shockey with two girls at ESPYs

Believe it or not though, somebody was dealt a better hand. Read more…

Namath’s Inebriant-Free Super Bowl III Wingman

I’d never seen the famous Joe Namath pre-Super Bowl III poolside photo uncropped, but John Walters of AOL Fanhouse has a link to the shot today:

Brent Musburger With Joe Namath at Super Bowl III poolside

(”Joe, I wanna kiss you”)

That’s Brent Musburger on the left, apparently getting set to take two for the team. Or go ref an MLS Game.

Namath Kid’s Car: 1/2 lb. Of Weed, Rum, 11 Beers

Joe Namath got a surprise this morning when he was informed that cops found 200.5 grams of marijuana in baggies in the trunk of his 19-year-old daughter’s car.

Oliva Namath Mugshot

The PALM BEACH POST reports:

She is charged with two counts of marijuana possession, including one with intent to sell, and with possession of alcohol by a minor.

Olivia Namath was pulled for speeding in Jupiter, FL., just after midnight this morning for doing 58 in a 50 (dude, what is that?) in a silver Mercedes.

In addition to the weed, which Namath denied any knowledge of despite being the only one with access to the trunk, cops also “discovered an opened bottle of Captain Morgan rum and eleven Miller Lite beer bottles.

Two men were also in the vehicle, with Olivia claiming they had no knowledge of the pot.

Read more…

SbB@3: When Joe Namath And Plaid Slacks Ruled

Imagine being a starting quarterback who has just won the Super Bowl, and having your own television variety show. That was Joe Namath, circa 1969, when he hosted the infamous “Joe Namath Show.” The premise was that Joe just invited whoever the hell he felt like talking with, and they taped a show. They don’t make them like that anymore.

What You Won't Watch logo

Here’s Joe, below, chatting with guest host Dick Schapp, and … hmm. Can you identify the other two? While you’re pondering that, enjoy women’s soccer, UCLA football, and loads of other listings from which to steer clear. You’re welcome.

The Joe Namath Show

(Still better than “Joe Buck Live”) Read more…

What The NCAA Really Needs Is A BCS Spokesman

According to ESPN, it looks like the NCAA’s thinking about hiring a permanent “point person” for the BCS, rather than the current system where the BCS spokesman has been the commissioner of one of the conferences on a two-year, rotating basis. That doesn’t seem like much of a problem… up until that conference commissioner has to explain to people why his team just got an unpopular spot in the national title game.

BCS logo with faces
(I think this’ll work.)

So, since we’re helpers as always, we’ve decided that the NCAA is absolutely right. The problem with the BCS system isn’t one of the myriad fundamental flaws that college football fans routinely point out, like the fact that no other sport uses a one-game system for the title or that teams who go undefeated at least deserve a shot at the title. No no, we’re going to need a spokesperson for this. Fortunately, we’ve got four candidates lined up for you.

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Michael Irvin: Generous Guy @ Gentlemen’s Clubs

• Our own Pete Gaines reminisces about the time he & his buddies ended up cavorting at a Chicago strip club with Michael Irvin.

Michael Irvin live nude girls

• The Red Wings have released Chris Chelios, but that doesn’t mean the 47-year-old is ready to hang up his skates just yet.

Sean Avery supposedly gets his own serving of sloppy seconds in the form of Mark Sanchez’s supermodel girlfriend Hilary Rhoda.

• Egypt’s soccer team denies being robbed by hookers, blames the media for distracting them to defeat.

Brock Lesnar thanks God, not steroids, that he’s “built like a black man”, yet doesn’t care too much for President Obama.

Read more…

Iverson, Mora, & Namath Get Autotuned (w/ Video)

Sometimes a video comes along that’s so perfect, anything we add to it would be superfluous; the best thing we can do is just stand back and let the magic happen.

Allen Iverson
(We were tempted to photoshop a T-Pain hat onto Allen Iverson, but it would have been a little too esoteric.)

This would be one of those times. KISSING SUZY KOLBER has unearthed an epic remix of some of the most memorable moments in media meltdown history - set to Autotune. Oh, it’s so good. Video’s after the break (and near as we can tell, completely SFW).

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Cowboys Super Bowl Ring Now For Sale On eBay

A Super Bowl ring is the pinnacle of achievement for an NFL player. It signifies a whole season of sacrifice, toil, pain and work, resulting in being at the top of the pro football world. The average sports fan can’t even imagine how much that must be worth to a player.

Larry Brown's Super Bowl ring on eBay

Except that Deadspin has word that you can tell exactly how much it was worth to former Cowboys defensive back and Super Bowl MVP Larry Brown. He’s put his Super Bowl XXVII ring up for sale on eBay. The game was 52-17 drubbing of the Buffalo Bills (weren’t they all back then?), a.k.a. the Leon Lett Game. The highest bidder so far? Someone named “BillsQB12“.

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Red Bull, Vodka and High Jumping Do Not Mix Well

If you look through the annals of sports history, you’ll find that alcohol has had a hand in many of our fondest sports memories: David Wells has “half drunk” (or maybe just hungover) during his perfect game in ‘98, Joe Namath became a hero to a new generation after drunkenly sexually harassing Suzy Kolber, and without alcohol we wouldn’t even care about Kyle Orton. And now, ladies and gents, we’d like to introduce a brand new entry in the Alcoholic Athlete Hall of Fame: Russian high jumper Ivan Ukhov.

Old timey high jumper

(Obviously not Ivan, but an awesome photo anyway)

At some track competition called the Lausanne Grand Prix, Ukhov tried to clear the high jump bar while he was completely smashed! And you better believe there’s video after the jump.

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Brett Favre Already Has Plans For New York City

So as you’ve all been made aware of by now, the Green Bay Packers finally pulled the trigger on a deal that sent Hall of Fame-bound quarterback Brett Favre to the New York Jets. Finally, the national nightmare that was the Brett Favre Saga has come to an end, and life in America can resume. At least, you think it is.

Favre traded to Jets

You see, now that Brett’s been traded the odds are that the media attention he has received the last weeks is going to decrease. Instead of talking about him for 22 hours a day on ESPN, those at the worldwide leader only plan on talking about him for 18 hours today. This isn’t acceptable for Brett. He wants to be on our minds all day, everyday. The problem for Brett is now that he’s going to be playing in New York City, he has a lot of competition for the limelight. In Green Bay the only thing he had to compete with were a couple of cows and a few thousand people who feel that a wedge of cheese is meant to be worn on the head.

In New York, Brett’s bush league antics won’t fly, and that’s why he’s already begun scheming up new ways to keep every eye on him in the Big Apple. Find out what Brett’s planning to do after the jump.

Read more…