Rick Reilly stands this morning as the sports media’s Jack O’Halloran, the ever-prodding manchild from Superman II: every time he throws a bus at Tiger Woods, Tiger crawls out from underneath just a little angrier.
Sunday, Bay Hill stood in for Metropolis and Sean O’Hair pulled over the black bedazzled robes to take the Terence Stamp role to Tiger on Sunday, seemingly in control until he saw that red swoosh fill the camera. At that point, O’Hair dropped from the Saturday leader to a Sunday round of 73 and Tiger dropped a 15-footer for the one-shot victory at 18.
In drama worthy of a Donner-esque cut of a better sequel, Tiger took his first title after last year’s knee surgery on a long putt at hole #72 just like he did last spring. After the win, he met again with the namesake of the Arnold Palmer Invitational, who we think might be Perry White in this analogy. Or Lois Lane. This one may need some work still, unlike Tiger’s knee.
Want Tiger to show you how the heat vision works, Rick? No, you’re good? Fair enough.
Sunday held little heat for the Final Four as Michigan State and North Carolina committed to a weekend in Detroit in April, otherwise known as “the best weekend of weather ever”. No, really… just listen to every sportswriter go on about it next weekend, assuming they don’t spend the whole time in Windsor.
Neither game was particularly close, leaving casual sports fans hunting for Tiger or smaller game (as mentioned below). Sadly, even Clark Kellogg’s stale “versatile like baking soda” line couldn’t get any vinegar for a volcanic explosion.
At least the ticket sales should improve with a state team available to attend. Villanova and Connecticut will fill out the other two slots as we all spend all week polishing our convoluted plans to justify picking against a UConn-UNC final Monday night. (Oh, and is Roy Williams finally accepted at UNC? Just checking.)
A foreign country bordering the United States has such a horrific crime problem due to a drug war that it could affect their ability to host international tourists. Of course, we’re talking about Canada. Specifically, Vancouver’s inability to get decent amounts of cocaine has caused a gang war to break out, raising the murder rate dramatically.
The area has grown so desperate for warm bodies with badges that two officers that “smelled of alcohol and uttered racial slurs” while allegedly beating and robbing a newspaper delivery man in Vancouver won’t have to stand trial for a year because the police can’t spare a single person to be a witness at the trial during the 2010 Winter Olympics. (h/t RAINCOASTER)
After having to spend most of last summer listening to the incessant whining about the safety of the 2008 Beijing Games, we can’t help but notice the silence surrounding the 2010 Vancouver Games. We can’t quite put our finger on what could be different about the two countries. Maybe journalists feel safe after watching a “Da Vinci’s Inquest” marathon?
In case you suspect we’re overstating the case, listen to a local activist: “I’m really apprehensive about going out in the evening. We’ve turned into an American city.” Does that mean you’re not interested in two free Final Four tickets?
Speaking of a hail of bullets, duck even though you don’t feel threatened in your job by Todd Jones…
- Stephen Curry’s little brother, Seth, will transfer to Duke and be eligible for the 2010-2011 campaign. Perhaps he just found the Teletubbies course syllabus on Liberty’s fall schedule.
- John Calipari and the University of Kentucky have spotted each other from opposite ends of the dance and have started staring a little too long for it to be a coincidence. Expect someone’s dress to be up over their heads in the parking lot by Tax Day.
- Hockey fans hold grudges for slightly less time than most holy wars. For proof, please listen to the Boston Bruins announcer’s incredibly creepy laugh as he revels in a brutish blow to a Philadelphia Flyers’ player who wounded a Bruin two years past:
- Then enjoy a punch to a goalie followed by a tickle fight between the Chicago Blackhawks and Vancouver Canucks. (Thanks to PUCK DADDY for both moving pictures.) Seriously, hasn’t the NHL heard about shoulder-launched missiles? (Besides Ray Bourque’s shot, of course.)
- We’ve heard too much recently that NASCAR’s dull because the same few drivers keep winning. Then we hear women’s tennis has grown old because the stars have stopped taking home the trophies. Pick a story and stick with it.
- We’re actually starting to feel a little sorry for Tom Cruise:
- We’re with Ray Ratto: we’re not sure Oakland A’s owner Lew Wolff has a plan anymore for a new stadium. He’s the Underpants Gnome of owners. He knows “back up garbage trucks of taxpayer cash to my home” is Step 3, but he’s damned if he knows what Step 2 is anymore.
- Congratuations to Bemidji State for advancing to the Frozen Four in NCAA hockey. We don’t have anything more to add; for that, please check out THE HOOVER STREET RAG. We just always wanted to link to the BEMIDJI PIONEER.
- Finally, we know a referee that will be working the NBA Finals next in about 2024 after nearly injuring the future of the league by getting tangled underfoot of LeBron James: