I wouldn’t have a problem with this if it were funnier, or less filled with irony. But the NFL’s new TV ad featuring Dallas Cowboys players mocking Jessica Simpson for her weight gain is now rattling around the web, and I suppose it’s up to us to view it.
Sample hilarity from the animated ad, which aired Oct. 11 on Fox NFL Sunday: Marion Barber says, “Man, I still can’t believe Tony dated Jessica Simpson, even after she blew up bigger than Flozell Adams!” Cowboys coach Wade Phillips also joins in on the joke, which is more ironic than I can tell you. The ad is sponsored by Burger King, although the empty-calorie purveyors seem to have had no actual part in producing it. So The King waking up in bed next to some random guy is suddenly no longer good enough?
When you first heard that superstar power couple Tony Romo and Jessica Simpson had split, you probably thought that was the last you’d have to hear about Simpson on your daily sports blog reads. You might have even thought you’d be able to make it through a Cowboys game without being constantly reminded of Simpson’s existence. You thought you’d be free to continue your loathing of the Cowboys in peace, the way it was meant to be.
(Keep that mouth shut, and everything will be fine)
Yeah, well, guess what, chump? You thought wrong. The Romo/Simpson stories are never going away, and you’re going to suck it up and read them like the man (or woman) you are. Did you hear - Tony was cheating, or at least trying to cheat, on Jessica! And that’s not even the half of it…
I have a feeling you’ll take this news the same way you did when you found out that Alex Rodriguez broke up with Madonna; or that James Brown wears a hairpiece … Colt Brennan is denying reports that he’s romantically involved with Jessica Simpson. The Redskins’ third-string quarterback is pleading ignorance over the whole thing, which is good for the Redskins I suppose, but bad for STAR MAGAZINE, which started the whole thing last week.
Brennan, the former University of Hawaii star, has other things to worry about, however. In denying his involvement with Tony Romo’s ex-girlfriend, he referred to teammate Chris Cooley as his “life coach.” That’s troubling on several different levels.
Get ready, Redskins fans. The Dallas Cowboys’ burden has now been shifted to you, apparently. Ex-Tony Romo girlfriend Jessica Simpson is, according to one source, dating none other than Washington quarterback Colt Brennan. Will the Nation’s Capital survive? Will Congress have to get involved? This can’t be good for anyone.
STAR MAGAZINE, a totally unimpeachable source in matters such as these, is reporting that the former University of Hawaii star and Simpson have not only set up mutual web cams (awww …), but Brennan has “Fed-Exed her a Redskins jersey.” Hoo boy. Here we go again. Read more…
As we speak, Plaxico Burress is preparing to testify before a grand jury in Manhattan about shooting himself in the leg last year. And those of you with some familiarity with the legal system might have this reaction to that news: uhhh, wha?
(”I saved the world from having to deal with 19-0. Doesn’t that count for something?”)
In a move that ESPN’s Lester Munson is calling “desperate” and “highly unusual,” Burress will subject himself to questioning in an effort to get the grand jury to consider lesser charges than the felony that is currently on the table. It’s rare for a lawyer to allow this to happen because it can backfire in so many ways. For one, Plax has to be very careful about what he says. If any statement he makes ends up not being true, he could find a perjury charge added to whatever else he’s facing. And, since the prosecutors can ask anything they want, if Burress is forthcoming with every detail, he could basically end up admitting his guilt. Although, as one ESPN commenter noted, Burress really only needs to be asked three questions:
1. Did you have a gun in your possession when you shot yourself?
2. Do you have a permit to have that gun?
3. Do you have a permit to carry a concealed weapon in New York?
If the answer is “yes” to #1 and “no” to the other two questions, that’s basically all they need to make their decision.
(Things aren’t going well if this guy’s talking about you)
So why do it? Munson and fellow analyst Roger Cossack seem to think that Burress’ lawer, Benjamin Brafman, might be using this as a means to encourage a plea bargain. But Munson says that they don’t have any leverage here, since they’re the ones facing all the downside related to Burress’ testimony. The term “bluff” is being thrown around, but what’s the bluff? Why would the D.A. be worried about Plax testifying?
The only reasonable theory being offered is that maybe Plax can charm the jurors into thinking he’s a good guy who didn’t know the law and just wanted to protect himself. But he’ll have to do all of this without his lawyer, who won’t be allowed into the courtroom.
On Monday, Manhattan D.A. Jack McCoyRobert Morgenthau spoke publicly about the case, saying that Plax was OK with doing a year in jail, but that the people won’t accept a deal that involves less than two years in the clink. Morgenthau even suggested that he’s looking at charging Antonio Pierce for his role in the incident, something Cossack claims was “out of bounds” for the D.A. to talk about publicly, and certainly meant to bait Burress into a deal.
None of this looks particularly good, and one wonders if that two-year deal from the D.A. is still on the table. And I think it’s safe to say it would be the worst two-year deal any NFL free agent would be signing this year.
(When the guy with the huge ears says you’re doing time, you’re doing time)
Mark Buehrle made his first start since his perfect game, and for an hour and a half or so at the Metrodome, the awesome gift-giver looked like he might have a legitimate shot at the utterly unthinkable. Buehrle retired the first 17 Twins he faced on Tuesday night, before it finally all fell apart and he gave up five runs and five hits.
Despite the eventual unraveling, Buehrle set a major league record by sending down 45 consecutive batters. That’s 15 consecutive innings without allowing a baserunner. The previous record was 41, held by two players, including Buehrle’s teammate, Bobby Jenks (who did it in three-batter increments as a closer).
Elsewhere around baseball, Ichiro did something he’d never done before — end a game with a hit. That’s right, none of his previous 1,952 hits were of the walk-off variety, by far the longest such active streak in baseball. To give you an idea, Alex Cora now holds the active record for most hits without a walk-off at 742.
(”You know, maybe if you didn’t have Yuniesky Betancourt hitting in front of me for four years I would’ve done it once or twice.”)
It’s been a good year for the Dodgers, but things took a turn for the embarrassing when Mark Loretta had to come on to pitch with two outs in the eighth inning at L.A. trailing 10-0 to the Cardinals. Loretta was the first position player to pitch in a game for the Dodgers since 2004, and after drilling Matt Holliday with a fastball he got Ryan Ludwick to fly out to end the inning. In other words, he did way better than Chien-Ming Wang had done this year. The Yankees finally Old Yellered him and are sending him to have surgery that can’t possibly make him any worse. Wang’s future with the Yanks is in doubt, as the team must offer him at least $4 million to keep him next year or lose him to free agency.
• Maryland football coach Ralph Friedgen isn’t anywhere near the man he used to be. He’s much less. 95 pounds worth, to be exact.
• Because everyone’s been asking for it, here are those long-awaited highlights of the touch football game played by NFL legends before Super Bowl X in 1976. If you’ve ever wanted to see Paul Hornung make a gay joke, watch a bunch of guys try and cop a feel on Phyllis George, and hear why Johnny Unitas likes to drive Pontiacs, look no further:
As you can see, Bill Murray and Christopher Guest had nowhere to go but up.
