• A group of cheerleaders at a Texas high school sock it to a teammate by smearing human feces inside her locker.

• Does the Denver Broncos’ Brandon Marshall like to beat women?

• Every time a Laker visits Colorado, sex accusations are soon to follow.

• Jeff Van Gundy is trying to stay objective in the broadcast booth, but he really wants his brother Stan to beat L.A.

• I know playing in the SEC is tough, but getting death threats from your own fans?

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So much for objectivity. When the Los Angeles Lakers & Orlando Magic meet for Game 1 of the NBA Finals Thursday night, ABC/ESPN analyst Jeff Van Gundy isn’t bashful about who he hopes brings home the Larry O’Brien Trophy: his brother Stan.

Jeff admits that he’ll be rooting for Stan’s Magic men to make quick work of Kobe & crew. But he believes that cheering on his bro won’t corrupt his game-calling. As he told Neil Best of NEWSDAY (via AWFUL ANNOUNCING):

“I’m going to try to be as objective as possible,” he said, “but I want my brother’s team to win; there’s no question about that.”

Should ABC brass be worried about Jeff playing playoff favorites? Well, he did give the network the option of taking him off the broadcast:

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ESPN is being forced to resort to desperate measures and ridiculous publicity stunts to keep Dick Vitale from calling Duke games. For the Jan. 7 Duke-Davidson game, ESPN will bring in its NBA announcers, while moving Vitale and co. to the Heat-Nuggets game later that day.

So that means Mike Tirico, Mark Jackson and Jeff Van Gundy are going to have to do some cramming to figure out what the hell a one-and-one is, while Vitale and Dan Shulman are going to need to get used to the 24-second shot clock. But obviously, the real benefit to viewers everywhere, other than not being forced to hear Elliot Williams called a diaper dandy ever 2 minutes, is not having to deal with Vitale having an orgasm on-air anytime Duke does anything competently.

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Brooks can’t decide on dinner tonight - A Hardee’s Thickburger, or a bag of Flame-Broiled Burger King potato chips?

• You know why Marcus Vick is such a bust? He gets caught by bike cops.

• A Texas high school football coach takes a gamble on pawning his players’ equipment.

• $60 will get you a leg up on joining the Memphis Grizzlies dance team.

• Is Dallas Cowboy Ken Hamlin trying to corral some sex online?

• A St. Louis Cardinals draft pick gets called up - for combat duty.

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It’s difficult to decide what’s the hardest to believe from Thursday night:

• Kobe Bryant had no baskets in the first 2 quarters.

• The Lakers still managed to be up by 18 at the half.

• The Celtics went on to win the game anyway.

(We must protect this Eddie House!)

After building a 21-point 1st quarter lead - the biggest in NBA Finals history - it certainly appeared that the Lake Show was back in business, brutally beating Boston & well on their way to setting this series even.

Bu what looked to be a Game 4 blowout soon evolved into a classic choke performance worthy of the finest oral actresses this side of the San Fernando Valley. Read more…

Moving Day! I’m outta Miami this afternoon. Really excited, as I’m off to traverse the vast, fruited plain of our great nation, plumbing the depths of the valleys and climbing ever-higher, to the highest Nubian Peak:

(That’s almost as good as this- thanks Orson!)

By now you’ve probably seen Punter’s post on the Giants’ Super Bowl rings getting stolen from a jewelry store located just 10 miles from the Patriots’ offices. I’ve since heard from a league source that the rings were soon to be delivered to additional club employees (the players, coaches and top front office staff got theirs first).

So with the news of the heist, boy is Vladimir Putin ever pissed!

I’ve got some breaking news for LSU fans:

Nebraska was not a slave state.

From the Dept. of Unfounded, Uncalled-For Cheap Shots, I give you the NEW YORK DAILY NEWS: “Was that really the woman who accused Kobe Bryant of rape in Colorado at one of the Lakers-Celtics games in Boston? A source swears he saw her. Something seemed to be distracting Bryant.”

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Once again, another unheralded player came through for his team in the NBA Finals. Back in Game 2, Leon Powe was a powe-erful presence for the Celtics, scoring 21 points in the Celtics’ win. In Tuesday night’s Game 3, the Lakers staved off a 3-0 deficit thanks to the vaunted play of Sasha Vujacic.

The Slovenian star & bane of b-ball gamblers everywhere scored 20 points, including a crucial 3-pointer with less than two minutes left, to secure the 87-81 victory - and keeping L.A.’s home playoff record perfect.

On the other side of the court, Paul Pierce’s performance could be perceived as pathetic - 2-for-14 from the field while totaling only 6 points. He should’ve just worn this jersey (courtesy of MIX MAKERS):

But it might have been another piece of apparel that jinxed Paul’s evening.

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