MITCH REPORT FINDS ONE LESS STRIPPER GOT MO’S MONEY: Time to curl up with the Mitchell Report!

UPDATE: After now having had time to scan the report, there’s nothing new in there about Barry Bonds, Gary Sheffield, Jason Giambi, Mark McGwire and Sammy Sosa.Keep in mind that just because players are listed in the report (and as listed below) does not mean that the report concluded that those players took or purchased steroids. In many cases, player names (like, for instance, Jeff Kent) are cited only in reference to media reports. Kent didn’t do anything wrong, but was quoted making a comment about MLB combating the problem of performance enhancing drugs.

Not that we were expecting anything, but the report, besides the Clemens injections, is a letdown. Not much to get excited about. No major superstars implicated (what a surprise!).

Players of note from the Mitchell Report’s “Alleged Internet Purchases of Performance Enhancing Substances By Players in Major League Baseball“:

Jerry Hairston, Jr.
Scott Schoeneweis
Paul Byrd
Matt Williams
Jay Gibbons
Troy Glaus
Rick Ankiel
Jose Guillen
John Rocker
Darren Holmes
Gary Matthews, Jr.
Jose Canseco
Jason Grimsley
Ismael Valdez
Steve Woodard

Players of note from the Mitchell Report’s “Information Regarding Purchases or Use of Performance Enhancing Substances by Players in Major League Baseball“:

Roger Clemens
Andy Pettitte
Kevin Brown
Eric Gagne
Matt Herges
Miguel Tejada
Gregg Zaun
David Justice
F.P. Santangelo
Glenallen Hill
Mo Vaughn
Fernando Vina
Kent Mercker
Mike Lansing
Todd Hundley
Brendan Donnelly
David Segui
Gary Bennett, Jr.
Paul LoDuca
Rondell White
Chuck Knoblauch
Denny Neagle
Ron Villone
Ryan Franklin
Lenny Dykstra
Kevin Young

NOT in the report:
Albert Pujols
Johnny Damon
Jeff Bagwell
Brady Anderson
Bret Boone
Aaron Boone
Milton Bradley
Carl Everett
Andruw Jones
Manny Ramirez

Here’s the Roger Clemens mentions of note in the Mitchell Report (DEADSPIN has a full-size version):

And finally, we salute our favorite Dodger of all-time:

No, thank YOU Paul (LoDuca)!

• MVN’s HOG HEAVEN leashes in an interview of Redskin RB Clinton Portis barking out at those dogging Michael Vick:

• Thanks to the lawyers of Pacman Jones, TIMES OF NEW YORK (not affiliated with the New York Times) presents some of its favorite NFL arrests over the last 5 years.

• HI-PLAINS DRIFTER found some folks who actually cared about the recent Rockies-Royals series: the fine people of the Cornhusker State.

• CAN’T STOP THE BLEEDING gets the dish on the Cavs’ Damon Jones ciao-ing down with some female Italian journalists:

• HALOS HEAVEN gets the stink on lovable Dodger Jeff Kent poo-pooing the Angels sweep in the Freeway Series.

• WITH LEATHER adds in that Sean Casey also isn’t thrilled about interleague match-ups, even though his Tigers just swept the Cardinals.

• DIGITAL HEADBUTT reminds all players of the importance of adequate protection:

• FIVE TOOL TOOL is mad at Dontrelle Willis for keeping the Yankees out of the basement.

• STEROID NATION sprints ahead with the news that a 36-year-old drug-disgraced runner is trying to make a comeback.

• BABES LOVE BASEBALL invite you to bask in the glory of others’ youth in voting for the best baseball rookie card.

MY LIGHT IN-FLIGHT SPORTS READING JUST GOT HEAVIER: One of my daily stops, famousmormons.com, has an entire page(!) devoted to baseball players (what, you were expecting the NBA?) replete with the obligatory blurry, incorrectly-sized introductory gif image:

Yeah, Dale Murphy, Cory Snyder, Roy Halladay and Jeff Kent are Latter-day Saints who we all look up to, but personally I gravitate to the likes of Dane Iorg (his nephew, Isaac “Double I” Iorg, is also pursuing a career in professional baseball) plus notable Blue Jay (2B-SS-OF-3B (or wherever the hell we can hide him)) Danny Ainge:

And who knew that Fred Sanford was a Josephite?

The website is a wonderful find for me personally, since now I have more reading material for my weekly WestJet flight to Reno - to go with:

MLB CLUBS TO KEEP POWDER DRY, BALLS MOIST: This we know: A dry Macanudo Maduro crumbles. It’s useless. Might as well throw up a $20 bill and smoke it. It’s why the cigar gods invented a humidor. Same goes, apparently, for those living, breathing baseballs that Jeff Weaver enjoys serving up to ex-teammates on a silver platter.

So a trend that the Colorado Rockies started in 2002 by keeping their gameballs in a humidity- and temperature-controlled room near the Coors Field clubhouses has finally become a league-wide policy: Keep your balls moist, cool and supple to the touch. No more hardies that allow guys like Jeff Kent to continue making a living by getting good wood on ‘em.

“The specifications that Rawlings recommends are a 70 degree temperature and 50 percent humidity,” baseball senior vice president Joe Garagiola Jr. said. “The vast majority of teams were already doing this. And the ones that weren’t — they weren’t being left out on pallets in the parking lot.”

I’m pretty sure that’s what I plowed into with my car when I made that sharp left behind the right-field pavilion at Dodger Stadium last year. I’ll double-check that.

Another new rule: No more old balls. MLB told teams they may only use balls manufactured in the current year. Seems like a no-brainer, but it really means the Red Sox have a bunch of Kenesaw Mountain Landis-signed balls that now must be tossed into the harbor.

Sure, it’s a touchy subject. Team equipment guys can get really testy about being told what to do with their balls. We now go to Pete Schweaty for a reaction:

Mike Tyson is apparently taking grooming tips from Jeff Kent, as he sported a porn stache at a Caesars Palace nightclub in Vegas last weekend:

Longtime MLB pitcher Tom Candiotti tells Scott Ostler of the SAN FRANCISCO CHRONICLE that he once encouraged a fellow pitcher to plunk Jeff Kent in a game because, “I’m in a fantasy baseball league. I don’t have Kent on my team and he’s off to a torrid start and he’s killing me.”

So Candiotti told pitching coach Ron Perranoski, within earshot of pitcher Ramon Martinez, “[Bret Saberhagen] told me that if Kent gets drilled the first time up, he’s mush for the rest of the series.

“Ramon just absolutely buries one in Kent’s ribs. It was so bad that he went down on one knee, and he had to come out of the game. I sat there thinking, ‘What did you just do? You told a complete lie, you got this guy drilled.’“

The EAST VALLEY TRIBUNE reports DiamondBacks catcher Johnny Estrada, after driving in three runs using a pink bat on Sunday, said that he sought to continue using the bat Monday - but was turned down by MLB.

Shame Estrada doesn’t play for the Dodgers, since obviously Grady Gump would have no problem allowing Jeff Kent and Kenny Lofton using pink bats for the balance of their Dodger careers. (login/pass)

Jim Rome deep-sixes the Dodgers’ DePo: "If there was a bigger lock before the season than Jeff Kent and Milton Bradley not getting along, it was that J.D. Drew would end up on the D.L. for an extended period. Of course he did, he’s JD Drew."