IMMUNIZATIONS HELPFUL AGAINST TALLADEGA TETANUS: You can pick up a lot of things at a NASCAR event - cold beers, flying car parts, contagious diseases:

DEADSPIN puts on a mask, as they report members of Congress taking shots before taking in the weekend races. Not shots of Jack Daniels or Wild Turkey, mind you, but of vaccines against hepatitis, tetanus and influenza.

The House Homeland Security Committee was planning to heading out to Concord, NC, and Talladega, AL, to catch the Bank of America 500 and UAW-Ford 500. However, staff organizing the trips warned the committee they could be catching a lot more than a nice tan.

The plan was part of a “fact-finding mission” to gauge “public health preparedeness at mass gatherings.”

Great. Senator So-and-So goes off to get drunk and yell obscenities at Jeff Gordon - all with our tax dollars!

The CHARLOTTE OBSERVER notes some people are just sick over the shot-taking news. Rep. Robin Hayes of Concord was personally offended by the precautions: “I feel compelled to ask why the heck the committee feels that immunizations are needed to travel to my hometown.”

(Insert your own Southern redneck/hillbilly disease-ridden incest-practicing joke here.)

• As LeBron gets ready to host “Saturday Night Live” (is that show still on?), Jeff Gordon of FOX SPORTS races in to tell these celebrity athletes, “Don’t quit your day job“:

• And when King James isn’t starring in lame skits, he’s teaming up with Russian racketeer Maria Sharapova to help fight poverty.

• STORMING THE FLOOR gives away news that NBA star Carmelo Anthony is in a charitable mood these days.

• FAN IQ has their boogie fever bought out, as Chad Johnson’s next end zone dance will be brought to you by GoDaddy:

• Speaking of Ocho Cinco, we finally have a winner in his Yahoo-sponsored Touchdown Celebration Showdown.

• ALL-AMERICAN PATRIOTS quenches our thirst, as Kevin Durant becomes the first-ever NBA rookie to sign a deal with Gatorade.

• MR. IRRELEVANT feels the anger rising within, as Redskins RB Clinton Portis just wants the damn ball:

• FIRE JOE MORGAN doesn’t find it Natural that the Rangers would play that song after a Sammy Sosa homer.

• RUMORS AND RANTS just won’t let some things go, as Vince Young is still miffed about not winning the Heisman.

• With the NBA season not too far away, THE BLOWTORCH pays tribute to the finest basketball stashes ’staches:

• CAN’T STOP THE BLEEDING gets the poop on the pigeon problem at Paul Brown Stadium.

• These just won’t stop: AZ SPORTS HUB finds the latest “Leave Britney Alone!!!” video spoof - this time, in support of benched Bears QB Rex Grossman.

• FLORIDA TODAY reports the Fort Myers Miracle baseball team will host a “Billy Donovan Night”, where fans can negotiate their way out of their ticket purchase:

• SERIOUS DISMAY reports that the newly-divorced, soon-to-SoCal Colin Cowherd really, really hates women (We’re sure being an AM radio big shot in Lipstick City will cure that at Saddleranch on Sunset Blvd!).

• FAN IQ belts out a “Yee-Haw!” to former Idol contestant and Jordin Tootoo squeeze Kellie Pickler for her stimulating commentary at Wrigley Field for Country Night.

• THE EXTRAPOLATER puts Mark Cuban through the ringer of the Five Marks of a Great Leader:

• Eric Zorn of the CHICAGO TRIBUNE tallies his Top Ten Tips for Tip Top Tirades.

• WITH LEATHER gives a toast to the new Whiffleball drinking game:

• The SPORTS FROG notes that Philly fans have nothing on the woes of cheering for Cleveland.

• For those of you miss seeing her roam the sidelines, THE WIZARD OF ODDS offers up Erin Andrews gettin’ down with the Kansas State band:

• SCREENHEAD gets the dish that Antonio Banderas thinks David Beckham is ready to conquer Tinseltown.

• AUTO RACING DUDE is relieved to report that Jeff Gordon was not involved in a plane crash.

NASCAR COMES THRU WITH ANOTHER STELLAR PROMOTION: Just when we think the NASCAR folks are letting us down, they come up with yet another crackerjack promotion that just oozes creativity and functionality, much like the drive-thru menu at Bojangles.

This time, the good ole boys (and some random celebs like Michael Strahan, Barry Switzer, Brady Quinn, Mookie Wilson and Leah Remini of “King of Queens”) have been enlisted to design tickets for the Daytona 500. Fans will vote on the *best* design and that ducat design will be used for the race:

As you would expect, the results are rather spectacular.

Mario Andretti:

Kurt Busch:

Jeff Gordon Pit Crew Chief Steve LeTarte:

Michael Strahan:

Brady Quinn:

Barry Switzer:

Leah Remini (WTF?)

We’re just bummed that none of them are truly authentic, since we did not detect an artist’s rendering of a Carolina Mustard BBQ stain on any of the entries.

DEVIN HESTER JOINS (SOMETIMES UNFORTUNATE) LIST OF FOLKS ROOT-ROOT-ROOTING FOR THE CUUUUU-BIEEEES: Bears speed demon Devin Hester set yet another hometown Chicago crowd afire, but this time with his Monsters of the Midway melodies as he sang ‘Take Me Out to the Ballgame’ at a recent Cubs contest:

Which such a tear-jerking and ear-obliterating performance in mind, here’s a look back at how other 7th-inning guests fared at the Friendly Confines (and I don’t care if they ever get back):Pearl Jam frontman Eddie Vedder - as coherent as ever:

CCR frontman John Fogerty - not quite up to par as he was with ‘Fortunate Son’ and ‘Centerfield’:

NASCAR heartthrob Jeff Gordon - pleased as punch to be in ‘Wrigley Stadium’:

IRL hottie Danica Patrick - proving once again not everyone can drive and sing:

Former Cubs outfielder Doug Glanville - complete with Harry Caray glasses (and a quick intro of Tommy Lasorda on the phone):

So, judge for yourself how these virtuosos of Peanuts ‘n’ Cracker Jack compare to The Man Himself.

And as you do, don’t forget to enjoy some quality refreshment.

NASCAR DRIVERS GAIN YET ANOTHER MALE IMPERSONATOR: I’m a huge NASCAR fan, so I was all over the recent revelation reported by the SOUTH FLORIDA SUN-SENTINEL about the granddaughter of NASCAR cofounder Edgar Otto.

Rachel Otto was arrested this week by Palm Beach police and charged with impersonating a sheriff’s deputy after she pulled over a driver who had apparently cut her off.

Brandishing mace, she then forced him out of his car and handcuffed him - while claiming to be a sheriff’s deputy. She later admitted to police on the scene that she wasn’t a peace officer and had made a “citizen’s arrest”.

Meanwhile, the PALM BEACH POST reports the police also questioned the woman who was riding with Otto at the time of pull-over: “The woman said she had been living for the past week with Otto, whom she thought was a man.

Safe to say that “woman” knows exactly how Jeff Gordon’s new wife, Ingrid Vandenbosch, feels.

And just because I made you look at Lindsay Davenport…

It looks like Jeff Gordon has taken this whole “I’m straight” thing to another level by impregnating his new wife, Ingrid Vandebosch.

TONY, YOU CAN’T BE SIRIUS: The CHARLOTTE OBSERVER confirmed this week that the weight for (Fat) Tony Stewart’s radio show is over.

The outlet reports the portly NASCAR driver this Thursday will host a “preview edition of the weekly Sirius Satellite Radio show he’ll be doing next year“, and that the guest lineup on the first show will, not coincidentally, include Richard Simmons.

In a related story, the NEW YORK DAILY NEWS reports Speed Channel has enlisted the services of fag hag Melissa Rivers, who “covers the red carpet for most major awards ceremonies,” to “work the yellow carpet arrivals coverage” of Friday’s NASCAR awards ceremony in New York City.

All that’s left now is for NASCAR to hire former Stroker Ace Crew Chief Jim Nabors as Jeff Gordon’s makeup artist for the awards show.

Jeff Gordon was the latest annoying non-football visitor to the Monday Night Football broadcast booth last night. Tony Kornheiser offered his opinion to Gordon on how NASCAR’s Chase format should be modified: “The Chase comes down to ten drivers who qualify. I think every week one should be bumped out like ‘American Idol.’”

That’s almost as stupid as Kornheiser gifting Gordon a Belgian Waffle Maker to give to the NASCAR driver’s new (nudie model) wife, who is Belgian.

Jeff Gordon has gotten married again, to slinky nudie model Ingrid Vandebosche.

Whoever heard of a 6-foot tall beard?