Speed Read: Mike Singletary Is Still Pretty Insane

After hearing about Mike Singletary’s latest motivational move at San Francisco 49ers training camp, we can all be glad of this: he kept his pants on this time. In fact, he did what many 49ers fans wish someone would have done years ago: he sent former No. 1 draft pick and genial bust Alex Smith packing.

Mike Singletary

Unfortunately for those fans, Smith came back, as he wasn’t traded or cut. No, Singletary had Smith watch the last 30 minutes of training camp from the top of a hill overlooking the practice facility after Smith threw a deflected pass into coverage that was intercepted during a scrimmage. Personally, it sounds like a better punishment would have been to give Smith a couple of passes to nearby Great America and tell him to have fun and enjoy the roller coasters.

Alex Smith

Smith tried to force a pass to noted slacker-slash-slugger Vernon Davis, but it was tipped and eventually picked off. Unfortunately for Smith, this came right after Singletary announced to the team that “the next guy responsible for a turnover would have to sit on the hill for the rest of practice,” leading to Smith getting his perch high on a hill.

Again, some one tell me how this is punishment? Instead of working his butt off at training camp and sweating in the summer heat, Smith got to relax and watch the practice from a grassy vantage point - probably under a shady tree while eating a couple of apples as bluebirds sang to him. And I guess that we are supposed to be impressed that his starting offensive line came to sit with him in a “nice show of solidarity,” although I suspect they saw a chance to get out of the last half-hour of practice and made the most of it.

I know NFL teams are careful not to push players too hard, but don’t players run laps as punishment any more? Suicide sprints? Something other than sitting down and not training at training camp? Mike Singletary’s training camp is allegedly some combination of the Junction Boys, the Bataan Death March and the training montage from “Rocky IV” from how the media is portraying it, but if that’s as tough as it gets in the NFL, maybe we’re coddling players a bit too much.

I have no idea what a UFL training camp is going to be like; I’m guessing it will be more advanced than teaching the players what the Xs and Os on the playbook mean, even if just barely. But it does seem like the players are going to go through a lot of punishment - at least on the field, thanks to their names and uniforms. That is, if the ones announced on Monday by the Las Vegas franchise are any indication.

Las Vegas Locomotives

First off there’s the name: the Las Vegas Locomotives. Because when I think of Las Vegas, I don’t think of gambling or nightlife or danger - I think of trains. Yup, you really get the high rollers coming in on the train from Barstow to Las Vegas. It’s basically a half-step up from calling the team the Las Vegas Hobos, and unless your team’s offensive coordinator is John Hodgman, that’s not going to fly.

And then there are the uniforms. Now, I’m no sartorial demigod, but…I don’t want to say that it’s hideous, but the USFL called and they are planning on suing you for $1 for ripping off their designs. The whole thing looks horrendously 80s, from the shiny neon aquamarine pants to the blocky numbering. I think I saw MC Skat Kat wearing something suspiciously similar in a video with Paula Abdul back in the day.

Basically, the whole thing is a mess, and even Las Vegas head coach Jim Fassel is confused as to the connection between Las Vegas and trains. (But this isn’t the first time he’s been confused in his life.) Plus, the team’s name is sure to be shortened by people to “Locos,” which the owners seem to think is great cross-cultural marketing but just reminds me of how crazy you’d have to be to try and go up against the NFL.

Finally, I have to wonder what Jeff Gordon’s motivation is to keep racing. After all, he could be at home having sex with his Brazilian supermodel wife, playing with his kids or simply climbing up and down one of the giant mountains of cash he presumably has laying around his house from all of his winnings and endorsement deals.

And after yesterday’s race at the Watkins Glen road course in New York, he is probably wondering the same thing himself after being involved in a bad multi-car crash that sent him careening into a guard rail - not a SAFER barrier - at nearly top speed. Gordon walked away unscathed, although he was complaining of aggravating a sore back injured after he’s been involved in several big crashes in the last few years.

After watching that replay again, let me ask Gordon something: hot Brazilian supermodel wife, or smashing the bejeezus out of your car head-on into a guard rail? Your choice.

In other sports news that happened while you thanked God you weren’t the local TV reporter who drew the short straw and had to cover the “Furries” convention:

  • Crocs announced late yesterday that it is pulling out of its title sponsorship of the AVP Tour at the end of this season. But how ever will beach volleyball survive without its association with ugly rubber clogs? Wait, they’ll survive thanks to hot chicks rolling around on the sand wearing next to nothing? I guess…
  • AVP ad

  • This is exactly what you want to hear from a tennis player playing his last season before his retirement: former world No. 1 Marat Safin admits that it’s “impossible” that he’ll win another title. I don’t think he’ll be getting the same teary send-off at the U.S. Open that Andre Agassi did.
  • Former New England cornerback Tebucky Jones is already suing Patriots team doctors for misdiagnosing his career-ending knee injury. Now he’s telling the BOSTON HERALD that NFL teams frequently cut injured players in order to avoid paying them for sitting on the injured reserve. It’s all so shocking, I know. Next he’ll tell me that they also pressure them into playing hurt, and look the other way about steroid and drug use. If only Oliver Stone could make a movie about this…
  • The Chicago White Sox were able to get two-time All-Star Alex Rios on waivers from the Toronto Blue Jays for no compensation (which with the exchange rate means the White Sox made money on the deal). So, do you think the Blue Jays were thrilled to be rid of the $64 million due to Rios through 2014?
  • If there’s ever been someone who should be happy to have a home run overturned by instant replay, it’s the Rockies’ Troy Tulowitzki. Sure, he missed out on a grand slam in the second inning and had to settle for a two-run single. But he needed that single en route to becoming the fifth Rockies player to hit for the cycle in Colorado’s 11-5 rout of the floundering Cubs.
  • The San Francisco Giants are honoring former pitcher Dave Dravecky on the 20th anniversary of his comeback from cancer. Which is great, except it reminds me of the sound his arm made when it snapped like a twig during his comeback, and then I need to throw up.
  • The USL Division II soccer match between the Real Maryland Monarch and Bermuda Hogges was your standard affair. If you consider a player scoring two goals in the first half and then getting arrested at halftime, a coach being ejected from the game and having to watch from the parking lot, and a goalkeeper being forced to play striker as “standard”.
  • There was great line in a SPORTING NEWS post about the terrible level of umpiring seen this season, with umps continually deciding to make themselves the center of attention. It mentions Phillies announcer Larry Anderson responding to umpire Joe West telling him that MLB umps were “the best in the business” by telling the audience that he wanted to respond that “if you guys are the best in the business, you’ve got a really bad business.”
  • I sure hope new Minnesota T-Wolves head coach Kurt Rambis wasn’t expecting Ricky Rubio to be playing for him any time soon, as team president David Kahn said the buyout of Rubio’s European contract is still “very problematic.
  • And there’s really only one way to celebrate Hulk Hogan’s 56th birthday: crank it up, Mr. Rick Derringer!

I need to watch a football movie to pump myself up for the season. What should it be?

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NASCAR Waters Down Cabbage Patch Kids Market

NASCAR, bless their profit-driven souls, would put an official NASCAR holograph sticker on their mothers if they thought Mama would sell at a 60% markup in one of those truck trailers set up outside the tracks on race day. Of course, their mothers would fly off the shelves if they had Dale Earnhardt, Jr.’s face tattooed on their arms.

Cabbage Patch NASCAR

(”Finally, I can relate to the sport of NASCAR!”)

That’s why the makers of Cabbage Patch Kids chose Junior to be the first one to receive the Cabbage Patch Kid treatment in the “NASCAR ‘Kids” line. No, really. They are making NASCAR drivers into Cabbage Patch Kids. We have photographic proof after the jump of the only opportunity Junior will have to come in first this year.

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Denise Richards Destroying Eardrums At Wrigley

What better way to start the weekend than with a little Denise Richards?

Denise Richards

How about Denise Richards singing at a Cubs game? Take it away, Denise!

Yeah, the sound quality may be a bit suspect, but did you really want to hear this performance in crystal-clear Dolby 5.1 audio?

Still, Denise didn’t do half-bad. Let’s compare Ms. Richards’ rendition with some other sensational song stylings from the Friendly Confines.

(More videos after the jump.)

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NASCAR Wives Finally Get Noticed on Television

Bless Jay Busbee of FROM THE MARBLES for reminding us that a “reality” series called “NASCAR Wives” will hit the airwaves on TLC on January 24th. (Remember when TLC meant “The Learning Channel” and not “We’ll Do Anything for Quick Cash”?  Heck, the most recent name doesn’t even match the acronym. It’s like they’re not even trying.)

Jeff Gordon Ingrid Vandebosch

(If you can’t even get Jeff Gordon’s wife, what’s the point?)

Participants will include Kevin Harvick’s wife, Jeremy Mayfield’s wife, Mike Skinner’s wife, and Junior’s sister (who might be a wife but, c’mon, that’s a pretty tenuous connection and ruins the entire dramatic tension for us). As Busbee points out, this is totally controlled by NASCAR, so girls will not be going wild.  We expect as much action as “Bonds on Bonds”.  In fact, what’s Pedro Gomez doing these days?
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Jeff Gordon Very Happy With Model Wife & Mom

Be back at 8 p.m. ET for Tuffy’s live blog of tonight’s Tennessee-UCLA tussle.

Jeff Gordon believes wife Ingrid Vandebosch is quite the model mother.

Jeff Gordon Ingrid Vandenbosch

Roger Clemens’ kid Koby gets cuffed after brawling at a bar.

O.J. Simpson pal Tom Riccio bets he can rent out ad space on the limo he’ll be taking to the Las Vegas courthouse.

Matt Leinart doesn’t like being Kurt Warner’s backup.

Peter King isn’t pleased with new “Inside the NFL” co-host Warren Sapp badmouthing the previous Sapp-less seasons of the show.

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Jeff Gordon Continues To Lead A Pretty Good Life

I’m quite certain that if Jeff Gordon was, say, selling tires for a living he wouldn’t be making time with model-type talent, much less marrying them. But money conquers all, even for diminutive race car drivers.

Jeff Gordon, wife Ingrid

After divorcing his first wife and high school sweetheart in 2003, Gordon tied the knot to wife No. 2, Ingrid Vandebosch, three years later. And let’s just say he’s PSYCHED about his current situation, which includes his 14-month-old daugher, Ella Sofia, the latest addition to the family.

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Like It Or Not, Busch Is Pretty Much Unbeatable

Kyle Busch isn’t just having a very good season, or even a great one: he’s having one of the best seasons in NASCAR history. He added another notch on his belt on Sunday by winning the Sprint Cup Centurion Boats at the Glen in dominating fashion. And definitely had a better day than everyone involved in this crash near the end of the race (although there were no serious injuries, just a lot of race cars turned to junk metal):

With the win, Busch clinched the No. 1 seed in the upcoming Chase for the Cup. He also became the first NASCAR driver to win three road course races in one season, as part of his 16 wins overall in all NASCAR national series. It’s pretty heady stuff for a 23 year-old once considered too hot-headed and unreliable to be a title contender. Joe Gibbs Racing took a chance on him this season, and the risk has paid off.

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NASCAR Track Secedes from Smoking Union

Tennessee recently passed the Non-Smoker Protection Act, preventing people from lighting up in public places. These places include the homes of the Titans, the University of Tennessee, and Bristol Motor Speedway. The one-time home of many Winston Cup races now has to butt in and ask patrons to extinguish the cancer sticks and enjoy the exhaust fumes from the race instead.

Dale Earnhardt Jr. peels out

(No, Junior! Stop! You’ll get a citation!)

Of course, this change isn’t sitting well with patrons that have watched the cars become safer, the sponsors become tamer, and the excessive drinking become slightly less excessive. The community hedonism and dangerous lifestyle of a NASCAR fan might well be a trip to Disney World with Jeff Gordon as the little mouse that could.
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New York NASCAR Event Causes Worse Traffic Than Normal

BIG APPLE DRIVERS SOURED OVER NASCAR TRAFFIC JAM: New York commuters were taken for a ride, as a NASCAR appearance backed up traffic even worse than usual:


The NEW YORK POST reports Manhattan motorists were delayed by over an hour Wednesday morning, as NASCAR held its Victory Lap promotion. Drivers like Jeff Gordon and Jimmie Johnson wound their way through Midtown, closing off streets to other vehicles trying to get to work.The event also took place on the same day as the annual lighting of the Rockefeller Center Christmas tree, adding to the city’s gridlock woes.

Of course, the drivers didn’t seem to mind. The SAVANNAH (GA) MORNING NEWS raced down this reaction from Carl Edwards: “It’s neat to be able to drive a race car through downtown New York. That’s pretty cool. It’s cool to see all the people amazed at what’s going on.”And cool to see all the people flipping you off, since you’re holding up traffic.

Jimmie Johnson Wins 4th Straight Race Since Donating Winnings to Wildfire Victims

JOHNSON GENEROSITY JUMPS JIMMIE TO NEXTEL CUP TITLE: Instant karma’s gonna get you, Jimmie Johnson.

Jimmie Johnson belt

We earlier wrote how the NASCAR racer and SoCal native would be donating his Atlanta race winnings to the Red Cross in order to help California wildfire victims.Since his generous guarantee, Johnson has now won 4 straight races, including Sunday’s Checker Auto Parts 500 in Phoenix.

Jimmie Johnson Jeff Gordon cars

The victory helped Johnson open an 86-point lead over Jeff Gordon in the Nextel Cup standing. Barring a collapse or cool collision, Jimmie should be able to clinch his second consecutive championship next Sunday in Miami.Paying it forward seems to be paying off for JJ. Dy-no-mite!