NASCAR, bless their profit-driven souls, would put an official NASCAR holograph sticker on their mothers if they thought Mama would sell at a 60% markup in one of those truck trailers set up outside the tracks on race day. Of course, their mothers would fly off the shelves if they had Dale Earnhardt, Jr.’s face tattooed on their arms.
(”Finally, I can relate to the sport of NASCAR!”)
That’s why the makers of Cabbage Patch Kids chose Junior to be the first one to receive the Cabbage Patch Kid treatment in the “NASCAR ‘Kids” line. No, really. They are making NASCAR drivers into Cabbage Patch Kids. We have photographic proof after the jump of the only opportunity Junior will have to come in first this year.
Bless Jay Busbee of FROM THE MARBLES for reminding us that a “reality” series called “NASCAR Wives” will hit the airwaves on TLC on January 24th. (Remember when TLC meant “The Learning Channel” and not “We’ll Do Anything for Quick Cash”? Heck, the most recent name doesn’t even match the acronym. It’s like they’re not even trying.)
(If you can’t even get Jeff Gordon’s wife, what’s the point?)
Participants will include Kevin Harvick’s wife, Jeremy Mayfield’s wife, Mike Skinner’s wife, and Junior’s sister (who might be a wife but, c’mon, that’s a pretty tenuous connection and ruins the entire dramatic tension for us). As Busbee points out, this is totally controlled by NASCAR, so girls will not be going wild. We expect as much action as “Bonds on Bonds”. In fact, what’s Pedro Gomez doing these days? Read more…
I’m quite certain that if Jeff Gordon was, say, selling tires for a living he wouldn’t be making time with model-type talent, much less marrying them. But money conquers all, even for diminutive race car drivers.
After divorcing his first wife and high school sweetheart in 2003, Gordon tied the knot to wife No. 2, Ingrid Vandebosch, three years later. And let’s just say he’s PSYCHED about his current situation, which includes his 14-month-old daugher, Ella Sofia, the latest addition to the family.
Kyle Busch isn’t just having a very good season, or even a great one: he’s having one of the best seasons in NASCAR history. He added another notch on his belt on Sunday by winning the Sprint Cup Centurion Boats at the Glen in dominating fashion. And definitely had a better day than everyone involved in this crash near the end of the race (although there were no serious injuries, just a lot of race cars turned to junk metal):
With the win, Busch clinched the No. 1 seed in the upcoming Chase for the Cup. He also became the first NASCAR driver to win three road course races in one season, as part of his 16 wins overall in all NASCAR national series. It’s pretty heady stuff for a 23 year-old once considered too hot-headed and unreliable to be a title contender. Joe Gibbs Racing took a chance on him this season, and the risk has paid off.
Tennessee recently passed the Non-Smoker Protection Act, preventing people from lighting up in public places. These places include the homes of the Titans, the University of Tennessee, and Bristol Motor Speedway. The one-time home of many Winston Cup races now has to butt in and ask patrons to extinguish the cancer sticks and enjoy the exhaust fumes from the race instead.
(No, Junior! Stop! You’ll get a citation!)
Of course, this change isn’t sitting well with patrons that have watched the cars become safer, the sponsors become tamer, and the excessive drinking become slightly less excessive. The community hedonism and dangerous lifestyle of a NASCAR fan might well be a trip to Disney World with Jeff Gordon as the little mouse that could. Read more…
BIG APPLE DRIVERS SOURED OVER NASCAR TRAFFIC JAM: New York commuters were taken for a ride, as a NASCAR appearance backed up traffic even worse than usual:
The NEW YORK POST reports Manhattan motorists were delayed by over an hour Wednesday morning, as NASCAR held its Victory Lap promotion. Drivers like Jeff Gordon and Jimmie Johnson wound their way through Midtown, closing off streets to other vehicles trying to get to work.The event also took place on the same day as the annual lighting of the Rockefeller Center Christmas tree, adding to the city’s gridlock woes.
Of course, the drivers didn’t seem to mind. The SAVANNAH (GA) MORNING NEWS raced down this reaction from Carl Edwards: “It’s neat to be able to drive a race car through downtown New York. That’s pretty cool. It’s cool to see all the people amazed at what’s going on.”And cool to see all the people flipping you off, since you’re holding up traffic.
The victory helped Johnson open an 86-point lead over Jeff Gordon in the Nextel Cup standing. Barring a collapse or cool collision, Jimmie should be able to clinch his second consecutive championship next Sunday in Miami.Paying it forward seems to be paying off for JJ. Dy-no-mite!
IMMUNIZATIONS HELPFUL AGAINST TALLADEGA TETANUS: You can pick up a lot of things at a NASCAR event - cold beers, flying car parts, contagious diseases:
DEADSPIN puts on a mask, as they report members of Congress taking shots before taking in the weekend races. Not shots of Jack Daniels or Wild Turkey, mind you, but of vaccines against hepatitis, tetanus and influenza.
The House Homeland Security Committee was planning to heading out to Concord, NC, and Talladega, AL, to catch the Bank of America 500 and UAW-Ford 500. However, staff organizing the trips warned the committee they could be catching a lot more than a nice tan.
The plan was part of a “fact-finding mission” to gauge “public health preparedeness at mass gatherings.”
Great. Senator So-and-So goes off to get drunk and yell obscenities at Jeff Gordon - all with our tax dollars!
The CHARLOTTE OBSERVER notes some people are just sick over the shot-taking news. Rep. Robin Hayes of Concord was personally offended by the precautions: “I feel compelled to ask why the heck the committee feels that immunizations are needed to travel to my hometown.”
(Insert your own Southern redneck/hillbilly disease-ridden incest-practicing joke here.)
