• Shawne Merriman & Tila Tequila have had quite the memorable week, haven’t they?

• Bengals QB Carson Palmer is worried that someone’s going to die in the NFL. Meanwhile, other Bengals QB Jordan Palmer has no worries about big brother’s USC squad beating the Buckeyes.

• Sounds like Danica Patrick will be racing over to NASCAR next year.

• Melanie Oudin had a great run at the US Open, although she could have done without the hotel eviction & her parents’ impending divorce.

• In the meantime, Novak Djokovic entertains the Flushing Meadows fans with his impression of John McEnroe - only to have the real deal come down & serve the Serb a lesson in an impromptu match.

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• Why would Allen Iverson ever join the Grizzlies? Because God told him to.

• Andrea McNulty is willing to drop her sexual assault lawsuit against Ben Roethlisberger - as long as Big Ben admits he did it.

• A foolish foursome tries to steal Cal Ripken Jr.’s “8″ statue from the front of Camden Yards.

• The Redskins are redfaced over the bad publicity of suing a 72-year-old woman over season tickets, so they opt not to take grandma’s 66 grand.

• Since when did Cole Hamels go the David Beckham metrosexual route?

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In case you hadn’t been aware for whatever reason - nobody watching Nancy Grace in the house or anything - police recently found a woman who had been abducted as a little girl 18 years ago. Her name is Jaycee Dugard, and while in captivity, she was forced to give birth twice to two daughter who were also kept in isolated captivity. Suffice it to say that the 18 years she spent confined by suspected rapist/murderer Phillip Garrido have left deep, permanent scars on her life. Her family must be unbelievably overcome with joy to have her back, even as she deals with the nearly two decades of trauma on her life.

(A father finally reunited with his daughter. This calls for sports jokes!)

Fortunately, the ORANGE COUNTY REGISTER’s Mark Whicker - you’ll want to remember this name by the time you get to the end of the story, trust us - decided to appropriately honor Dugard’s return to the real world with a column today.

And by that, we mean he wrote a whimsical sports article about everything she missed called “Many odd things have happened in sports the past 18 years.” Yes, seriously. You’ll want to read on, because it only gets worse.

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