Heaven knows it’s a battle to fill the gaping maw of a newspaper sports section (or, heck, an Internet site).  It’s eternally ravenous, utterly unforgiving, and preternaturally cruel.  Lots of writers have to resort to the occasional trick (like comedy bullet points) to keep the beast at bay for another day.

(ARIZONA REPUBLIC writer, considering his next opus)

However, it takes a special effort to knock out 1200 words bemoaning the loss of the baseball superstar.  It takes interviews with other old men as they pass through town to hopefully buttress your case.  It takes calling up your friends and/or other similarly-minded sports fans in town.  It takes quoting Simon and Garfunkel.  And, of course, it takes bullet points.  (These are also funny, but it’s less intentional this time.)

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This year’s NCAA basketball tournament is apparently going to be the first one played without any #1 seeds, because nobody seems to want to claim any of them. This week, Pitt decided to be the latest top-ranked team to tank it, trailing by as many as 20 points in the second half in an 81-73 loss to Providence. The Friars are suddenly looking pretty good for an NCAA bid, with 9 Big East wins and 17 overall. This was their first win over a #1 team in nearly 33 years. Luckily for all involved, Jonathan Xavier was not at the game.

Professional golf, which ceased to exist last June when Tiger Woods got hurt, will finally resume today. Nobody’s happier for this development than the other golfers who Tiger will be competing against, whoever they are. Tiger’s first round match at the Accenture World Match Play Championships tees off at 2:02 Eastern time this afternoon. His opponent is someone named Brendan Jones, who just learned how to play golf last week. How confident is NBC that Tiger will make it to Saturday’s semifinals? They’re airing ads promoting Tiger’s appearance on the NBC broadcast this weekend.

(He didn’t win anything. This is just the trophy he gets to carry around every day for being Tiger Woods)

Do you have World Baseball Classic fever yet? Does anyone? This WBC seemed like a good idea a couple of years ago, but this year’s rosters are devoid of many of the sport’s biggest stars. Your U.S. roster features such giants of the game like Chris Ianetta, Jeremy Guthrie, and Matt Thornton. The Dominican team is without Albert Pujols and Manny Ramirez (who’s from New York City, mind you), but now gets to deal with the distraction that is A-Roid. It’s all moot, of course, since the powerhouse Italians are winning the whole thing. Who can stop Val Pascucci and Nick Punto?

As a reward for winning the title last year, the Celtics get to have 29 players on their roster. Case in point: the C’s have signed the recently waived Mikki Moore, who was playing for the Kings. And now the long-rumored acquisition of Stephon Marbury is about to happen, since Steph was finally bought out by the Knicks. Shockingly, New York was not successful in swinging a trade for a guy whose salary is $21 million and has spent his season hanging out at bus stops and buying tickets to see his own team play.

 • TMZ says that Charles Barkley might have to don a pink prison uniform during his five-day stay in the same jail that houses rapper DMX. Although, it appears as if Chuck has been given “work release” and only has to be in jail from 8 p.m. to 6 a.m. So, basically he’s staying in a crappy hotel for five nights and wearing a pink snuggie.

• Charles Goldberg of the Auburn blog THE GOLD MINE writes that highly-regarded high school running back David Oku has moved from Oklahoma to Lincoln, Nebraska to be closer to some girl he met while on an official visit to Nebraska. And his parents are OK with their kid taking off to go live on his own and date a college girl. This seems like a great idea.

• Speaking of Stephon Marbury, the poor guy had to accept a buyout of around $2-3 million less than his salary for “playing” this season for the Knicks. But Darren Rovell of CNBC says that Marbury earned enough that he could’ve bought a pair of his Starbury sneakers every nine seconds.

• The CFL isn’t recognizing there’s a recession, according to the VANCOUVER SUN. Four CFL cities (all of which are home to teams called the Roughriders) are in the process of securing funds for new stadiums or improvements to their current facilities.

• Former major league pitcher Rick Helling on steroids: “There is this problem with steroids. It’s happening. It’s real. And it’s so prevalent that guys who aren’t doing it are feeling pressure to do it because they’re falling behind. It’s not a level playing field. We’ve got to figure out a way to address it.” When did he say this? 1998. TIME has the story of a guy who went ignored way too long.

• The SPORTS HERNIA points out that the Mets’ Fernando Tatis missed Monday’s intrasquad game with a rather unusual injury:

• PRO FOOTBALL TALK says that Eric Mangini and the rest of the new Browns staff is “lukewarm” on Brady Quinn. Which is rather insulting, considering Quinn won all those national championships in college.

• As if there aren’t enough Shulas running around, Dan Shula — son of David and grandson of Don — has been hired as an assistant coach at Illinois State.

• The Supreme Court may be hearing a case that results in a ban on public school coaches participating with members of their teams in prayer or other religious expression, according to the TENNESSEAN. Current precedent doesn’t allow coaches to initiate prayer, but doesn’t necessarily ban them from participating.

• The Oakland A’s have scrapped plans to build a new ballpark in the East Bay suburb of Fremont. San Jose has now apparently emerged as a new contender to rip the team away from the Mausoleum.

• WITH LEATHER says that Jason Giambi has aspirations to be a bouncer at a strip club after he retires from baseball. And Rick’s Cabaret in New York City is first in line with a job offer (link somewhat NSFW).

Remember a couple of weeks ago when the Celtics were going to challenge the ‘96 Bulls for the best record ever? Yeah, you can pretty much put that possibility to rest. The C’s continued their strange descent on Tuesday night, dropping a game to the lowly Bobcats, 114-106 in overtime. Boston has lost five out of seven games following a 27-2 start, and now faces the real possibility of not winding up with the best record in the East at the end of the season. Orlando is 27-8 after beating Washington last night, and the idle Cavs sit at 27-6.

There was a huge bowl game last night too. I mean, all the best games happen after January 1st, right? Oh, it was just the GMAC Bowl. And what better company to be bringing us a bowl game this year?  It actually wasn’t a terrible matchup, as both Tulsa and Ball State took undefeated records deep into the season before faltering late. In wet, sloppy conditions in Mobile, the Golden Hurricane rocked the Cardinals 45-13. BSU was once ranked 12th, but will probably not end the season in the rankings. It’s a shame former Cards coach Brady Hoke, who left for San Diego State, couldn’t have stuck around for this one since he needs some experience in losing games by that margin for his new job.

In your New Yankees/Old Yankees news, Mark Teixeira was introduced in a press conference yesterday, Andy Pettite rejected the Yanks’ one-year, $10 million offer, and Jason Giambi is on the cusp of signing a one-year deal with the A’s.

(ugh)

See this guy?:

His name is Corky Simpson, and he might be the only member of the Baseball Writers Association who didn’t vote for Rickey Henderson to be in the Hall of Fame. Henderson, who is among the all-time leaders in a number of categories and considered by many to be one of the 10 greatest players ever, is up for election for the first time this year. HOME RUN DERBY has tracked down the ballots of 31 writers so far, and all but Simpson’s contain Henderson’s name. And it’s not like Simpson was being stingy with his votes. He voted for eight players, including Tommy John, Tim Raines (the poor man’s Henderson), and — get this – Matt Williams! HOME RUN DERBY further analyzes Simpson’s insanity.

Today’s links are brought to you by Lancelot Link, Secret Chimp:

• The whole dating hockey players thing has worked out well for Elisha Cuthbert and Hilary Duff, so Carrie Underwood has apparently jumped on that train as well. REALITY TV MAGAZINE reports that Underwood is dating Ottawa’s Mike Fisher, as she was seen watching the game from a suite with Fisher’s parents this past weekend.

• Somebody dressed as a security guard took a hockey stick from a teenage fan that was given to the kid by Detroit’s Henrik Zetterberg during the New Year’s Day game at Wrigley Field. The “guard” said that the stick would be available to be picked up at the customer relations booth. There was no stick at customer relations. The kid is crushed, and nobody knows who the guy is that took the stick nor where the stick went. The CHICAGO TRIBUNE’s Jon Yates has the odd story.

• Reminding us that there’s nothing more pressing going on in the world than the state of postseason college football, Utah Attorney General Mark Shurtleff is considering launching an investigation into the BCS and possibly bringing antitrust charges, according to the DESERET NEWS.

• Speaking of the Utes, their fans are currently spamming AP writers such as the RALEIGH NEWS & OBSERVER’s J.P. Giglio, who says he’s received more than 100 emails urging him to put Utah #1 on his final poll ballot.

• Your strange video of the day comes courtesy of the NHL, where Ottawa’s Jarko Ruutu thought it was a good idea to bite Buffalo’s Andrew Peters on the hand.

The best part? Peters is the one who got a penalty.

• In a time when the NCAA Division I ranks continue to swell, the University of New Orleans is considering eliminating its athletic program altogether, says the NEW ORLEANS TIMES-PICAYUNE. The school, which is a part of the LSU system, is a member of the Sun Belt Conference but doesn’t have a football team.

•  A San Francisco couple with too much time on their hands are in the process of suing the 49ers for patting them down before entering Candlestick Park, saying that it’s an invasion of privacy. The SAN FRANCISCO CHRONICLE has the arguments from both sides.

• The Orioles have signed 34-year-old Japanese pitcher Koji Uehara, according to the BALTIMORE SUN. I guess the O’s just feel left out of the Japanese pitcher phenomenon.

• In a stroke of genius roster management that would make Isiah Thomas proud, Tottenham Hotspur sold striker Jermain Defoe to Portsmouth last January for £9.0 million, and now have decided they want him back. The price? £15 million. Well played, Spurs.

• Finally, I have to include this story about the Indians signing Carl Pavano. Is it huge news? No. It’s just an excuse to run a link to an article penned by the incomparably-named Chris Assenheimer of the MEDINA COUNTY GAZETTE.

Maybe Pete Carroll was right when he called the Pac-10 schedule “ridiculously difficult” - or the Trojans just had another epic meltdown against a far lesser opponent. Either way, the end result was a shocking 27-21 loss to Oregon State.  Yes, those Beavers. The same Beavers who lost to Penn State and Stanford by a combined 39 points.

You could look for goats in the game: defensive back Kevin Thomas, who let an interception in the end zone slip through his hands at the end of the first half and into the hands of James Rodgers. Or quarterback Mark Sanchez, who despite three touchdowns also threw a fourth-quarter interception that set up the eventually winning touchdown for the Beavers.

But ultimately, blame has to go to one person: Pete Carroll. Yet again, the Trojans fell flat on their face against teams with far less talent. It’s the second time Oregon State has done it to USC, along with Stanford, UCLA…basically, any team that’s beaten USC since 2002 other than Texas.

The team came out flat and uninspired - a content, cocky team expecting to win because they were USC. (and as the LA TIMES’ FABULOUS FORUM points out, maybe celebrating a touchdown to close to 21-7 isn’t such a great idea, Ronald Johnson.) And the coaching staff was incapable of adjusting until halftime, when they had dug themselves too deep of a hole. But really, who could have seen this being anything but a Trojans blowout. Except maybe for Brooks right before the game:

I like the Beavers and the points tonight, which means I’ll be laughing in about two hours, or waist-deep into my sixth Boilermaker* at Coach & Horses around 12 bells.

…or our own Jason K. in the USC/Ohio State Live Brog two weeks ago:

“And Mark will have plenty of time to recuperate, as USC doesn’t take the field again until Thursday, September 25, when they travel to Oregon State. But remember what happened the last time the Trojans took a trip to Corvallis - a 33-31 shocker.”

Far less of a shock is that the Los Angeles Dodgers finally clinched the NL West title, thanks to the Diamondbacks’ 12-3 thumping by the Cardinals. Now Los Angeles’ notoriously fickle sports fans can forget about USC’s collapse and focus on the Dodgers in the playoffs - until they lose in four games to some team like the Cubs. But by that point, hey, isn’t the Lakers’ season starting?

The Dodgers’ clinching the NL West leaves three playoff spots to be decided: the AL Central race between the Twins and the White Sox, and the Phillies/Mets/Brewers mess for the NL East and/or Wild Card.

The Mets and the Brewers remained tied for the Wild Card, both winning in dramatic fashion: New York using a ninth-inning single by Carlos Beltran for a 6-5 victory over the Cubs, while Milwaukee knocked off the Pirates 5-1 on Ryan Braun’s two-out grand slam in the tenth. The Phillies could only sit home idle and watch their lead in the NL East shrink to one game.

Meanwhile, the Twins and the White Sox also went ten innings. In this case, Minnesota put together a five-run rally of their own to win 7-6 to complete a series sweep of Chicago and take the AL Central lead for the first time in a month. Even worse, the White Sox seem to be imploded, as the CHICAGO SUN-TIMES reports that Orlando Cabrera seems intent on destroying team chemistry as he heads out of town.

Other late-breaking news last night, straight from the sports desk of Tank McNamara:

• It had to happen: GOSSIP GIRLS reports that Desperate Housewives beauty and definitely not mother-to-be of Tony Parker’s spawn Eva Longoria and Rays’ sensation Evan Longoria have struck up a friendship. She sent him champagne to celebrate their playoff berth, and he sent her a T-shirt.
• THE LOS ANGELES DAILY NEWS notes that the Los Angeles Sparks had to play Game 1 of their WNBA Western Conference Finals at USC’s Galen Center instead of the Staples Center. Why? There was a dinosaur exhibit already scheduled. Usually when I think of “WNBA” and “slow, lumbering, extinct creatures” Rebecca Lobo comes to mind.
• It didn’t take long for Troy Brown to find work after retiring from the Pats: the BOSTON HERALD says he’s already been hired as an analyst by Comcast SportsNet. A great, versatile player, but if any myopic Boston fans try to convince you he belongs in the Hall of Fame, you have permission to punch them in the face.
• I guess studying pays off, even if it’s for a field sobriety test - the CHICAGO TRIBUNE files that charges have been dropped against Cedric Benson on two alcohol-related charges.
• DEADSPIN toughs it out to report on a Mexican boxer who cut off his own pinky so he could fight again. Take that, Ronnie Lott!
• THE NEW YORK DAILY NEWS suggests that Jason Giambi and his Power Mustache is likely not joining the Yankees at the new stadium. Meanwhile, MASN wonders if Mike Mussina done as a Yankee (or as player period).
• The NATIONAL POST signs on to Blue Jays manager Cito Gaston and GM J.P. Ricciardi inking extensions with the team, which Roy Halladay celebrates by winning his 20th game.
• SLACKTIVIST satirically suggests that the Mets might want to take a page from the John McCain playbook and suspend the playoff race in deference to the economy.
• The SALT LAKE TRIBUNE has a hard-hitting story of a high school football player’s dad nailing an assistant coach in the face with his son’s helmet, breaking the coach’s jaw. Talk about “smash mouth football.”
• ESPN.COM pokes around to find out that the NFL has reviewed tapes and ruled that the Browns defense did not intentionally try to gouge out the eyes of the Ravens’ Willis McGahee last Sunday - those were just accidental eye gouges.

If you tuned in to ESPN’s coverage of the final game at Yankee Stadium on Sunday, you saw a lot of tribute videos and interviews with famous New Yorkers who told you all about what the stadium meant to them.   Of course, it wasn’t just us regular folk who were watching, as there were even some former Yankees watching at home.

One of those players was Roger Clemens.   Clemens was at home in Houston watching on a battery powered television (like a lot of people in Houston, Clemens doesn’t have power), and when he saw one tribute video in particular, it broke his steroid-pumping heart.

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• Darren Rovell of CNBC shouts out word that Dennis Green’s “They were who we thought they were” rant has become quite the cash cow for the ex-Cardinals coach.

Maybe Mike Gundy can make the same kind of mad moolah.

• WALKOFF WALK isn’t buying Jason Giambi’s excuse for his bruised eye - “I walked into the bathroom door at the hotel and split it open.”

• THE SCORES REPORT sadly says to CC Sabathia, “No no-no for you!”

• DEADSPIN gets Hollywood on the phone, as former NBA big man Mark Eaton has a screenplay to sell.

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In the wake of Jason Giambi’s facial follicle-aided resurgence this season and the resulting failed All-Star campaign the Yankees organized for him (at least it’s facial hair aiding him rather than a PED or two, I think), Detroit Tigers closer Todd Jones, writing in the SPORTING NEWS, wants to make sure no one forgets about that specimen of intimidation resting upon his lip.

As Jones writes, it all started years ago when he wanted to get a look that screamed intimidation in opposing hitters.

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• STL SPORTS MAG has a leg up on the perfect item for all those St. Louis baseball brides-to-be: an officially licensed Cardinals wedding garter.

• BOOSH MAGAZINE invites readers to guess the ages (and thus the legality) of the U.S. Olympic gymnastics team.

• THE SLANCH REPORT poaches the periods, as new Brewer C.C. Sabathia actually prefers to go by “CC Sabathia“.

• UNPROFESSIONAL FOUL thinks it’s a blast that the Newcastle United soccer club may be sold to the Bin Laden family.

• POP CRUNCH finds Cynthia Rodriguez sticking it to soon-to-be ex-hubby A-Rod by using his credit card for a $100,000 weekend shopping spree.

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• If you let Natalie Gulbis know the secret of your success, you can win a chance to spend the day with the gorgeous golfer.

• TMZ learns that Ray Lewis is a cheapskate when it comes to paying for women.

• BIG LEAGUE STEW wants to know which Jason has the mightier mustache - the Yanks’ Giambi or the Cards’ LaRue?

• ESPN’s HASHMARKS spots Brett Favre at a Virginia football camp, where the ex-Packers QB says he’s not in a hurry to do anything.

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• DEADSPIN thinks they have the braaaaaaiiiiins to play zombie kickball.

• WITH LEATHER thinks it’s lovely that USC assistant coach Pat Ruel is so enraptured by Pete Carroll.

• THE BIG LEAD tries to clean up the BCS mess by suggesting the creation of some college football superconferences.

• THE SPORTS HERNIA believes Jason Giambi’s mustache has gone from state trooper to state corrections inmate.

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