Former Broncos Tackle Says He Played While High

There are a few things I would recommend trying while stoned out of your gourd. Playing in the snow. Listening to Zeppelin. Watching the opening credits of “Mad Men.” But the list of things I would advise against doing while high begins unequivocally with playing in an NFL game.

Matt Lepsis Broncos

From the COLORADO SPRINGS GAZETTE, via PFT, comes the story of former Broncos left tackle Matt Lepsis. Lepsis found God, and found drugs, unfortunately not in that order. Lepsis says he played the first six games of the 2007 season while high, a stretch no doubt highlighted by a week three loss to Jacksonville in which the Jaguars logo totally came to life and tried to eat him, man.

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Jason Elam Saving America From Terrorists Again

Jason Elam kicks up yet another thrilling pro football player-turned-special ops agent fighting terrorists and saving America novelization.

Jason Elam Falcons

It’s already sold 43 copies!

• The Boston Celtics reach 18 in a row. They must be pretty good.

• WWJD? He wouldn’t tap out, that’s for sure! And now you can wear the shirt that proves it. Buy it, or go to hell!

• A jerk at Gillette did what none of the Cardinals could do on Sunday - bring down a Patriot player.

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Because One Jason Elam Novel Just Isn’t Enough

I’m sure you all remember the first time you read Atlanta Falcons kicker Jason Elam’s special ops soldier/linebacker novel Monday Night Jihad. You know, the one in which protagonist Riley Covington leaves his pro football career behind to fight an evil terrorist plot with his former buddies in a special ops unit and saves the United States from certain doom. Oh, and he manages to teach us all a little something about Jesus and understanding along the way. Yeah, that one. Luminaries such as Tony Dungy told us that the book “made me examine not only my thoughts about football but also caused me to look at how I view life and people around me.” I hear that, my friend.

The only problem with Monday Night Jihad was that it ended. As soon as Riley Covington had saved our country and our souls, he was ripped right from our lives, and we found a little piece of ourselves missing with him. Well, fellow Covingtonians, our savior has returned to us.

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Speed Read: Well, Ain’t That A Kick In The Head

Brushing up on the SAT, or just looking to get your GED? Then let’s help you with some standardized testing.

“Billy watched four NFL games won in the final minute of regulation. Which one did he like the best?”

a) Ryan Longwell’s 26-yard field goal to help the Vikings beat the Lions 12-10
b) Jason Elam’s last-second kick to give the Falcons a 22-20 win over the Bears
c) Josh Brown flexing with pride after kicking the Rams to a 19-17 victory against Washington
d) Matt Schaub lifting the Texans to a 29-28 win over the Dolphins on a last minute scramble

NFL exciting finish quiz

Of course it’s “D.” (Even though on most Scantron tests it’s more than likely “C.”) The discussion of kickers overusing their worth has been a curious one from time to time, with Skip Bayless perhaps being most famous for being their No. 1 enemy (“Eliminate place kicking altogether.”), which might be why nobody’s ready to warm up to that idea. But suppose if field goals were outlawed in the final two minutes and overtime, then we’d have Gus Frerotte, Matt Ryan and Mark Bulger try to win it with their arms … or legs.

Arizona Cardinals block Cowboys

The counterargument, though, is that if you couldn’t kick field goals after the two-minute warning. We wouldn’t have had this game, where the Cardinals’ Sean Morey practically blocked the Cowboys’ overtime punt with his clavicle to ensure a 30-24 win over the Dallasites. To get to OT, Nick Folk had to blast a 52-yard three-point shot to tie the game, which — again — almost didn’t happen, because the first attempt was blocked but re-kicked after AZ head man Ken Whisenhunt whistled for a timeout. Hey, that’s another good idea. No defensive timeouts in the final two minutes. Who’s with me?

NLCS - Kuroda vs. Manny

It sure was nice of Major League Baseball to lift the ban on talking about the NLCS without talking about Manny Ramirez, if only for one game. The highlight of the Dodgers’ 7-2 rout of the Phillies — besides maybe that five-run first inning that essentially kept the Dodecahedrons in the series — was a series if high-and-in pitches that came to a head when Hiroki Kuroda, smack dab in the middle of owning the Philbins, tossed one where Shane Victorino’s head was located split-seconds earlier. Bedlam! Scuffle! Hootenanny! Benches cleared, and Victorino kept the bad blood feud through press quotes that will surely trickle into Game 4, right? Right?!

“I think it’s over.”

Yeah! Take their heads off! Kick their … huh? It’s over? Pssttthththth. Guess we’re back to talking just about the baseball games themselves and how the Dodgers have halved their NLCS deficit and got their bats going, their pitchers locating, and their fans into the series. Just two things. If this game is decided by a field goal, there will be hell to pay. Same if the Dodgers win the series and play the Red Sox in the World Series.

It’s also a new NFL rule that Ed Hochuli is scrutinized after every week of the NFL playoffs:

Joey Porter and Ed Hochuli

  • Now Hocks is getting called out by players. The PALM BEACH POST says the enigmatic Joey Porter isn’t happy at all with Hochuli and his officiating crew after his hit on the aforementioned Matt Schaub, causing him to drop the ball, was ruled an incomplete pass and not a fumble. “It’s the same referees’ staff. Something always happens out there.” For once, Porter is right.
  • Also fuming at the refs is the Lions’ Leigh Bodden for a pass interference call against the Minnesota Vikings that led to their winning field goal. DETROIT FREE PRESS says Bodden wants an apology from the NFL. Hey, good luck with that.
  • Staying with winless teams in the Rust Belt, don’t count on the Bengals getting their first win anytime soon. The CINCINNATI POST has their OC channeling Napoleon Dynamite on his own team: “We’re pretty much inept.”
  • A blogger at OPEN SPORTS says the NHL might be going overboard with ads, perhaps even too political? I’m Matt Sussman, and I something something.
  • 12-year-old Tampa Bay Rays fan Zachary Sharples is so hardcore, he was suspended from school for his Rayhawk hairdo, and was rewarded with meeting the team.
  • Racist slurs in soccer? Sure, maybe in Europe, but in our quaint little country? The WASHINGTON POST reports D.C. United goalie Louis Crayton had a confrontation with a Houston Dynamo fan after their 0-0 draw. The fan in question called the black goalkeeper a monkey who should go back to the jungle. Crayton jumped a barrier to confront the fan, and as a result the fan was given the MLS banhammer.
  • PUCK DADDY shares CBC’s newest theme song for Hockey Night in Canada, affectionately titled “Canadian Gold.”
  • When KISSING SUZY KOLBER takes screenshots of Bill Belichick’s face during a beatdown of a game, everyone wins.
  • Tim Stephens of the ORLANDO SENTINEL eyes Penn State and Alabama as the teams with the best chances to run the table. Clearly he’s short-changing the MAC daddies, Ball State.
  • And finally, here’s a guy I keep forgetting to read every week and instead tune into maybe every other month, but here’s Norman Chad praising old, old coaches Joe Paterno and Bobby Bowden because, hey, why not?

After this weekend, what new sports rule needs to be put into place?

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When Does Mike Shanahan Get Sent To Guantanamo?

Pat Graham of the ASSOCIATED PRESS gives a softball treatment to a new book written by Denver Bronco Jason Elam and someone named Steve Yohn.

Monday Night Jihad

PLOT: “The main character in Elam’s novel is Riley Covington, a bruising linebacker and Air Force lieutenant loosely based on former Broncos reserve Steve Russ, now an assistant coach at Syracuse University. Covington is an Air Force Academy graduate — just like Russ — who plays for the fictional Colorado Mustangs, a team in the Pro Football League. Following a tour of duty in Afghanistan, Covington, a third-round pick of the Mustangs, is living out his dream of playing professional football when he gets dragged back into his former life as a member of a special operations squad. Covington is sent back overseas to help stop escalating terrorist attacks.

Actually, sounds more like Pat Tillman to us. AP Writer Graham claims the book is getting glowing reviews, then cites three quotes, two of which belong to celebrated literary experts Tony Dungy and Deanna Favre.

And we’re sure Broncos fans will be disappointed by the tome, considering there’s no mention of the Maurice Clarett training camp waterboarding episode.