8:57 PM Just got back from Costco, where I secured six cases of owl jerky, a 40-gallon drum of pine cone liquor, three genetically engineered chickens made entirely of wings, a giant squid with a head of fire and talking snakes for tentacles and a copy of Andre Agassi's autobiography, signed personally!
8:09 PM Got five bucks burning a hole in your pocket and an unhealthy obsession for Monta Ellis? Does Mark Cuban have a deal for YOU!
7:51 PM Michigan State football players *allegedly* weren't the only football players in the country involved in a serious dorm altercation recently.
Not a lot of people in Carolina are happy with Jake Delhomme right now. The Panthers QB has turned the ball over 10 times in his last two games, and Delhomme looked downright deplorable in Carolina’s 38-10 beatdown at the hands of the Eagles. Among those who’ve voiced displeasure with Delhomme is Panthers WR Steve Smith, as Fox microphones picked up Steve telling Jake, “I never really liked you as a quarterback. But as a person, that’s who I love.”
But wait a second - it was all just a crazy mixed-up misunderstanding!
Everyone remembers Jake Delhomme’s horror show in last year’s playoffs, where he accounted for six turnovers in a 33-13 loss to the Cardinals (on his birthday, no less). Delhomme was rewarded for the collapse with a mammoth, $42.5 million extension in the offseason, which made little sense then and even less now after Delhomme rang in the season with four more picks against the Eagles in the opener.
(This made sense at the time.)
If that seems galling to Panthers fans, imagine how “thrilled” Steve Smith would be. The player who, just three years ago, was considered the best wideout in the game (this is when Randy Moss was still languishing in Oakland), now has to deal with Captain Interception firing the ball “toward” him. Using our Future Glasses, we can tell you that this ends in a season with approximately 1100 receiving yards and 4 TDs, and Smith kind of sees that coming too.
So after one especially egregious pick on Sunday, Delhomme took it upon himself to apologize to Smith. In retrospect, that may not have been wise.
One of the perks of being a season ticket holder for any professional sports team is that you get first dibs on buying playoff tickets if the team makes the postseason. Of course, with ticket prices forever rising and the economy getting worse it’s not exactly surprising that some fans are choosing to pass on paying for playoff tickets these days. If you were a Carolina Panthers fan, for instance, you may have decided to save yourself some cash and just watch the team’s playoff game against the Arizona Cardinals at home.
You were probably pretty happy you did too, after seeing the Cardinals destroy your team 33-13 thanks to Jake Delhomme’s five interceptions. Not only did you save yourself some dough, but you also kept yourself out of prison by not rushing onto the field to strangle Delhomme. Of course, then you go to the mail box to get the day’s mail and hey, guess what? You’ve got a letter from the Carolina Panthers. They probably want to thank you for supporting them this season! That or they want you to pay them for the right to remain a PSL holder.
Real men have haircuts level with the earth’s horizon. Real men don’t laugh at Terry Bradshaw’s jokes. And real men become spokespeople for Chevrolet-brand pickup trucks and look down on cars with convenient tailgate steps and heated steering wheels and seatbelts, because seatbelts are for queers and real men can crash through a windshield and jog three miles later that day. Howie Long is a real man. And if the FOX analyst-slash-truck-salesman had his way with the NFL playoff teams, he might be able to sniff out a girlie man or two.
Are those … “man sleeves?” Did Kurt Warner have to cover up his arms in Charlotte’s chilly willy weather, of all places? Wasn’t it, like, 50 degrees out there? Did his mom wife crotchet him a yarn jockstrap? Did you know Long would play in sub-zero temperatures shirtless, if given the opportunity by the league? Also, frostbite builds character, and hypothermia increases sperm count. And don’t even get Howie started on what NFC Championship Game quarterback Donovan McNabb was wearing between offensive possessions:
A fun dilemma brought up by FANHOUSE: Is it ethical for Wake Forest fans to rush the court after a win over UNC? After all, UNC was No. 3, and suffered their second loss in as many Sundays, and Wake Forest was a scrappy 4th in the national polls. Blogger Adam … well, Adam, argues “Court storming is actually an insult to your players. Court storming is an admission that you didn’t think they could win.” Well, sure, but … so what? In Adam’s rules, he mentions it’s OK to storm after any Duke win. Well, isn’t UNC at that same level of animosity? Wake may be No. 4 and even Wilbon called the upset two days ago, but a No. 4 over a No. 3 win means it’s a top-five showdown, and even in the SbB-model-stacked ACC, that’s a couple-times-a-year occurrence, and Wake just won one of those. My alma mater lost to Savannah F’in State this year. Let the Deacons run wild and free, and enjoy this one.
If it wasn’t for HULU.COM, nobody’s watching Saturday Night Live anymore except for drunk people who can’t find anything else on TV. That website might singlehandedly save that show. The cast may not be in its prime, and it could be in a perpetual Kansas City Royals state of infancy, but a few solid clips seem to arise from recent episodes. In this case, it’s Kenan Thompson as Charles Barkley, as portrayed last Saturday. (Cue it up to 1:29 in if you don’t want to listen to Seth Meyers.) All in all, a solid skit, although if there was a way to transplant Frank Caliendo’s voice into Thompson’s larynx, that might be the opposite of turrible.
Before you drive away, please observe the following landmarks, which are clearly marked on your TripTik:
RED SOX MONSTER finds a Sox-customized ‘57 Chevy on FLICKR. Expect Sox fans to launch a campaign getting it in the Hall of Fame because, looking back, it was the most feared ‘57 Chevy of its time.
The Eagles beat the Giants to advance in the playoffs. This you knew. But … [puts on John Hodgman spectacles] WERE YOU AWARE OF IT? The final score of 23-11 was the first of its kind in NFL history. This time we can’t blame a certain quarterback for not knowing it was possible for a game to end like that.
Even though Adam Jones is no longer with the Cowboys, if he comes back like he says he will, he can room with defensive end Anthony Spencer, arrested for the pedestrian crime of disorderly conduct. Bonus: his agent was also booked.
Fun little interview with FOX’s Ken Rosenthal over at MLB TRADE RUMORS on what it’s like to be a national baseball reporter in the offseason. While the interview took place, Buster Olney broke three more free agent signings. Snooze and lose.
Wait, Antonio McDyess gave up how much guaranteed money to stay with the Detroit Pistons? Over eight million? Think of how many Silverados you could buy with that.
Biloxi, Mississippi, had a problem with golfers practicing their swing in public parks. It’s almost as if they thought they might hit someone. One law later, that’s no longer a problem.
And finally, what would a good solid Monday be without a dramatic finish in curling?Team Ferbey beat Team Howard in a skins game, banking $70K, but it’s a Canadian $70K so that will only buy, like two Silverados.
