Somewhere, in a secret library not accessible to non-famous types (Scientology Celebrity Centre, maybe?), there is a book titled The Celebrity Guide To Handling Embarrassing Legal Trouble. We’ve never seen this book but we’re pretty sure it has to exist. How else do you explain every single celebrity working from the same script after getting arrested? Deny, deny, deny…all the way up until you’re caught. Then apologize, cry, invoke God, and claim you’ve learned your lesson just by getting caught. It’s like a naughty 5-year old with millions of dollars and a coke habit.

Take former NFL WR Jimmy Smith, for instance. Last year, Smith was popped for DUI and pot possession. Hardly the worst offenses on the planet, but the combination of the two would likely land a less-prominent defendant in the clink. For the Jaguars’ all-time leading receiver, however? Can you say “celebrity status?”

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Jimmy Smith is far away the greatest receiver in Jaguars history, though he’s been neck and neck with Matt Jones for drug arrests. As all good receivers do, Smith put on the afterburners and pulled away from the competition when he was arrested after being found with crack cocaine and marijuana. I guess you could say he’s a possession receiver.

(Well, it’s a better look than the Jags’ new jerseys.)

Smith, who played ten seasons for the Jags, was pulled over in Jacksonville for excessive window tint, though oddly enough he doesn’t seem to have been ticketed for that. The officer smelled burning marijuana, and found crack cocaine, marijuana and cocaine residue. So don’t worry, fans, Jimmy Smith doesn’t have a weed problem; he was just trying to cover up the smell of his crack.

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Is there any reason we shouldn’t have seen this coming?  Sure, North Carolina had more talent, depth and balance than Michigan State. They also had more experience. So why shouldn’t the Tar Heels have rolled up a rout in the national title game, cruising past the Spartans, 89-72, and validating North Carolina’s upperclassmen who decided to come back for a final year rather than head to the NBA.

Yet, by halftime, this wasn’t a game so much as a massacre on hostile territory.  North Carolina built up the biggest halftime lead in national title game history, and the few moments when Michigan State climbed closer than that in the second half proved more fleeting and false than impressive.

In the end, the final game of the entire NCAA Tournament, the game for which we sat through a month of buildup, complete with a compelling Final Four David vs. Goliath script and 60,000+ screaming, green-clad fans in economically depressed Detroit, was almost like the early season North Carolina rout of Michigan state on replay. If we’d whitewashed the original, 98-63 score and written in 89-72, would anyone have noticed? We dare say they wouldn’t have.

In fact, if there were overnight Nielsen ratings that cut off at halftime, we’d love to see them. Something tells us the second half viewers were significantly less than the TBS re-runs that preempted Game 7 of the ALCS last October.

Yet, as is always the case, there was plenty of celebratory violence/delirium in Chapel Hill as soon as the final buzzer sounded. In fact, it probably hit well before the final buzzer, given that the rout was fully on well before the game wrapped up.

According to the NEWS & OBSERVER, fans wasted little time ratcheting up the rowdy, starting fires and tossing around alcohol at a terrific pace. No, they didn’t temporarily relocate Franklin Street to College Park, Md., but you might not have known any better if you just shot a cursory glance at the post-title celebration.

And what was the motivation behind the fans’ craziness? Oh, it was all in good fun … and venting, naturally.

“It’s the culmination of the entire year of yelling at the TV,” said 24-year-old Elliot Rubin, who attended UNC, of the experience. “It’s the most jubilant feeling ever.”

“The crowd is definitely bigger this year,” said DeeDee Monzee, a 2007 UNC graduate, before jumping through a bonfire. “There’s a lot more alumni out here.”

Yes, you read that correctly. Those fans were giving journalistic quotes between leaps through bonfires. That, dear friends, is the way to live life on the edge.  Now, if only they could get the police on board …

What is it about Jacksonville wide receivers? Not only did Reggie Williams find himself arrested on a felony count of possession of a controlled substance (cough, cocaine, cough), he also may have been using the magical Sweet & Low, seeing as how his arrest blowback against the cops earned him a straight tasering.

Yes folks, you’ve got that right: For the second time in a year, a Jacksonville wide receiver has been arrested in possession with cocaine. And this is the second time in three months that Williams has been arrested for DUI and some sort of drugs. Clearly, these guys don’t believe in discretion, or learning from others’ mistakes. And they don’t seem to care, either. After all, Matt Jones opted for jail instead of probation just so he could keep hitting the sauce. What’s to make us believe that Williams will pull out of a steady nose sugar habit just because of one nasty arrest in Houston. After all, what else are drug test masking kits for?

The bigger question is what the remaining wide receivers on the Jacksonville roster — Troy Williamson (who knows what it’s like to get suspended), D’Juan Woods, Mike Walker and Nate Hughes –  are going to do now that Williams has burned his last possible bridge back to Jacksonville. Please say a huge party, please say a huge party, please say a huge party …

• Leave it to Jerry Jones to use his forthcoming new stadium as a referendum on how big he can make his penis a stadium scoreboard.
• Remember how we wrote that Brett Favre and Jay Cutler’s mutual agent, Bus Cook, was keeping Cutler from being shot by the media firing squad? Well, now it looks like Cook kept the Broncos from landing Brady Quinn, too. This man may not be received so well in Denver … or Green Bay.

• And suddenly, it’s a trend. Just as Derek Lowe finally won his first season opener on Sunday night, so too did Carlos Zambrano in Houston on Monday.
• Manu Ginboili is out. Does that mean the Spurs’ title chances are, too?
• Hasheem Thabeet made the NCAA title game, even if it wasn’t the way he wanted to. Now, about those sunglasses …

• Two switch hitting teammates homered from both sides of the plate in the same game? Somewhere Jim Bowden is yelling at his television, wondering where that Felipe Lopez was last year.
• Wait, so Senators tough guy Chris Neil isn’t in to country? Tough, considering the fact that his roomate, Mike Fisher is dating Carrie Underwood.
• If you were Bemidji State, and you somehow shocked yourself by making the Frozen Four, you’d need a guest pep band, too.

• Evidently, someone at Google Earth is not a Chelsea fan.

Jaguars wide receiver Reggie Williams was on the verge of a serious pay day. The No. 4 overall pick in the 2004 NFL Draft, Williams racked up 189 receptions for 2,322 yards and 18 touchdowns in his Jacksonville career, numbers that don’t blow you away, but still combine with his athleticism to ensure a number of teams would throw money around to get him. That might not be the case anymore, after Williams was arrested Friday morning for a DWI and was found with just less than an ounce of marijuana on him during the arrest.

(Williams: Not quite so smiley after Friday morning arrest.)

According to JACKSONVILLE.com, Williams was arrested at 1:59 a.m. on Friday, marking the second time Jacksonville police have booked the wide out for marijuana possession. When he was caught in 2006, Williams was avoided criminal time because of a pretrial intervention program. This time he might not be so lucky, and teams are much less likely to brush off the offense as a one-time indiscretion. After all, one arrest can be a fluke, two makes you a repeat offender.

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Basketball: it’s a beautiful game. Or fantastically ugly, depending on which game you watched last night. On one hand, you had the Phoenix Suns putting up 140 points for the second straight game in their 142-119 victory over the depleted Los Angeles Clippers. On the other, there was Penn State and Illinois, who combined scored exactly one-half as many points as the Suns did in the Nittany Lions’ 38-33 upset victory over the Fighting Illini.

Let’s talk about the latter game first. It wasn’t the lowest scoring game since the 45-second shot clock was introduced in 1986, but it was close. (That distinction belongs to Monmouth’s 41-21 win over Princeton in 2006.) They also flirted with the record for fewest combined points in a half, with the two team’s output of 32 just eclipsing the record of 28 set by Mississippi and South Carolina back in 2003.

The box score tells you all you need to know about the debacle. Exactly one player scored in double digits: Penn State’s Talor Battle, who put up 11 points on 3-for-11 shooting. Heck, the Nittany Lions as a team shot 28.3 percent from the field, and they won.

At least the two teams didn’t let a little thing like not being able to hit the broadside of a barn stop them from shooting the deep ball: they combined to go 6-for-33 from the three-point line. And Illinois didn’t attempt a free throw. For the game. Way to be aggressive, guys. But I guess a win’s a win, even if it’s the most embarrassing and pathetic kind possible. Congratulations, Penn State, I guess.

And then there are the Suns. You’ll excuse me if I don’t get too excited by the sudden return of the high-scoring, fast-paced, exciting Suns with Alvin Gentry as head coach after putting a hurting on the Clippers on back-to-back nights. First off, it’s the Clippers to begin with, but if a team with Amare Stoudemire (for now) can’t murder a team that’s missing Chris Kaman, Marcus Camby, Brian Skinner and Zach Randolph, then something is seriously wrong.

Check back with me on Sunday after you guys visit Boston, and we’ll see how you’re doing.

But the Suns have a date with Oklahoma City before then on Friday, which will be without newly-acquired Tyson Chandler. Permanently. That’s because the Thunder rescinded their trade with New Orleans from Tuesday and sent Chandler back to the Hornets after he failed a physical with their team doctor.

As TRUEHOOP notes, it’s probably going to be pretty awkward in New Orleans as Chandler has to return to the team that just unloaded him for Joe Smith and Chris Wilcox. (By the way, is Joe Smith involved with every strange trade or free agent signing in the NBA?) What makes things even more odd is that Chandler didn’t fail the physical because of his sprained left ankle - it was because of a big toe injury he suffered in 2007. And the Thunder’s doctor was the one who performed the surgery.

And speaking of injuries…Ken Griffey Jr. is back with the Mariners! All joking aside, I think most people of my generation will think it’s pretty neat to see Junior back in a Mariners uniform (presumably) for the rest of his career. And the story of his signing with the Mariners is unique; the SEATTLE TIMES says that apparently the No. 1 salesman for Seattle was Harold Reynolds, a close friend of Griffey’s. He had been working on Griffey to sell him on the move to Seattle when he played his trump card: hugging Willie Mays.

Reynolds set up a phone call between Griffey and the Say Hey Kid, who was Griffey’s idol and the reason he wears No. 24. And sure enough, soon after having the phone conversation with Mays, Griffey told the Mariners that he would sign with them. A great story, although I’m not sure I’d take advice from Willie Mays on how to end your career gracefully.

More sports stories to learn about as you ponder if anyone’s life could be stranger than Tracy Morgan’s…

• Australian swimming star Stephanie Rice tells the BRISBANE (AUSTRALIA) COURIER MAIL that despite reports to the contrary, she’s not a wild party girl.  I can’t imagine how people would have gotten that idea. Seriously. Right? (Although it doesn’t help when the story says that “we can expect to see a lot more of Steph eating the white stuff,” even if it is in reference to a commercial for SunRice.



• Remember how Tracy McGrady told Stephen A. Smith of ESPN that he was having knee surgery and would be done for the season? The HOUSTON CHRONICLE says that it turns out the Rockets aren’t to pleased about that.
• NEWSDAY has video of the final piece of Shea Stadium crashing to the ground. I shudder to think how many rats, mice and other vermin were killed during the stadium’s demolition.
• Our long national nightmare is over: the SACRAMENTO BEE reports that Lance Armstrong’s time trial bicycle has been returned by an anonymous person to the Sacramento Police Department. This is why it pays to spend the extra $10 on a nice thick bike lock instead of a flimsy chain, Lance.
• THE WORLD has details Wendi Boutiette, the track & field coach at Coquille High School in Southern Oregon, who is accused of having multiple sexual relationships with underage boys.
• USA TODAY has word on the latest female to take a crack at NASCAR: meet Gabi DiCarlo, who will be racing in the Camping World Truck Series this season. And she has some credentials: she finished in the top 15 of the ARCA series the past two seasons.



• It could be the end of an era in Indianapolis: Adam Schefter of the NFL NETWORK is reporting that the Colts will cut Marvin Harrison before the start of the 2009 season.
• Jacksonville Jaguars safety Gerald Sensabaugh was arrested in Kingsport, Tennessee for having a suspended license. But the BRISTOL HERALD COURIER says that police let him finish getting his haircut before they arrested him.
• Blooomberg says disgraced investment banker Sir Allen Stanford’s “massive ongoing fraud” could cost professional sports more than $100 million and impact stars such as Vijay Singh and Michael Owen.
• The NATIONAL POST reports that the Phoenix Coyotes’ owner claims to be receiving “expressions of interest from potential investors” as the team tries to save itself from total financial collapse.

Remember way back in October, when the Indianapolis Colts were 3-4 and their playoff hopes looked completely dead in the water? What a difference a couple of months make. Last night’s 31-24 win over the Jacksonville Jaguars was the team’s eighth straight, clinching a playoff berth and as the INDIANAPOLIS STAR notes, made them the first team ever to win 11 or more games in six straight seasons. And Tony Dungy became the first coach since the merger to make the playoffs in ten straight years.

All impressive, but the star of the night was Peyton Manning. You might not have noticed, but after struggling a bit during the team’s early slump, Peyton’s stepped out of his little brother Eli’s shadow, putting together a string of great performances despite not having a run game to speak of. And last night might have been his best yet: 364 yards and three touchdowns, including completing his first 17 passes in a row.

If he keeps this up, he might get some endorsements in the future. The game was a bit of a letdown for Jaguars fans, but their highlight had to come before the game, when paralyzed lineman Richard Collier took the field in a wheelchair with his teammates. No jokes there, just a Christmas wish that no other NFL players (or athletes) are the victims of needless crime in 2009.

Meanwhile, the NFL wants you to become a narc. Not about drugs (so please stop following Ricky Williams around, thanks), but about unruly fan behavior. USA TODAY reports that NFL teams are giving fans a way to report obnoxious fans to stadium security by sending a text message.

It’s more discreet than having to find a security guard and point someone out, but it does lend itself to “prank texts” of people wanting to kick people out of the stadium. For example, Buffalo fans shouldn’t text message security and demand that Dick Jauron is kicked out of the stadium for “impersonating an NFL head coach.” Note: the Saints, Rams and Titans don’t offer this service, so feel free to act like complete cretins at these games.

• NESW SPORTS has footage of Chris Webber going “Iraqi Shoe Thrower” on Charles Barkley in the name of “Gene Chiznik” (I think he meant Chizik). I haven’t seen Sir Charles move that fast since a Vegas pit boss came towards him to collect his marker:
• You can remove the Boston Red Sox from the Mark Teixeira sweepstakes: owner John Henry tells the BOSTON GLOBE that “after hearing about his other offers, however, it seems clear that we are not going to be a factor.“
• The CHARLOTTE OBSERVER reports that NASCAR and Mauricia Grant have settled her sexual harassment and discrimination lawsuit out of court. Apparently with the auto industry going into the tank, NASCAR decided that having a $225 million lawsuit hanging over its shoulder might not be a great idea.
• They’re getting Wrigley Field ready for the Winter Classic NHL game, and apparently they’re also indulging in some egg nog (or Old Style) while they are at it. GOING FIVE HOLE has video of an incident that occurred while unloading one of the Zambonis. Just call it a “Zam-boner.”
• KCBS 2 has the details of a suspected child molester who was working as a youth sports coach in Orange County. Remind me to send my kids to tap lessons instead.
• Not only do they take their high school football seriously in Texas (even if the fields can kill you), but God is right up their too. The HERALD DEMOCRAT reports on how their Christian faith has guided the Celina High football team to eight state title games in 11 years.
• In case you missed it, Tim Tebow questioned Mel Kiper Jr. on why the draft pundit thought he wouldn’t make it as an NFL QB, and the Hair Helmeted One really didn’t have a good answer. COLLEGE FOOTBALL TALK says that comments like that (and anger over not winning the Heisman Trophy this year) might drive Tebow from Florida and into the NFL.
• GOLF DIGEST says that Jack Nicklaus has a holiday message for Tiger Woods: get well soon, but don’t break any more of my records. And get off my lawn!
• THE SPORTING BLOG rolls up with word that Bronson Arroyo’s personal motto is “It ain’t no fun unless the homeys can have some!” from a Snoop Dogg song, meaning sharing the sexual services of young ladies with your friends. Talk about a Hot Corner…
• Finally, an Argentine soccer player tells the AP that he feels terrible that he killed a pigeon when it was struck by a ball he kicked. Go tell it to Dave Winfield.

• Jacksonville Jaguars lineman Richard Collier speaks out for the first time since being shot 14 times & having his leg amputated.

• Since the Rose Bowl’s been like a second home to USC lately, the Trojans will wear their red home unis when visiting UCLA this Saturday.

• Dusty Baker wants one more chance to ruin Kerry Wood’s arm.

• At least one football league is United in its support of Michael Vick.

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Howdy, y’all! Time for another rootin’-tootin’ SbB Clever Caption Contest!

We rustled up today’s snapshot from Monday night’s standoff in the Lone Star State between the Houston Texans & the Jacksonville Jaguars. Observe:

Any of you cowpokes care to explain what in tarnation’s going on with his Texas threesome? Wrangle up your ideas and toss ‘em in the comments section. The blue ribbon winner will be announced in the end-of-the-day recap.

So, put on your ten-gallon thinking caps & brain-building bolo ties and start a’ typin’! Yee-haw!

You may remember the story of Jacksonville Jaguars offensive lineman Richard Collier being shot earlier this season.  If you don’t, here’s a quick recap.  Richard was out with former teammate Kenny Pettway back on September 2nd when they met a couple of women out at the club.   So Richard and Kenny went to the ladies apartment building, and while they were waiting outside for them, somebody rolled up on the two of them and started firing.

While Pettway escaped unharmed, the same couldn’t be said for Collier.  He was shot 14 times — 14 times! — and with two of the bullets hitting him in his lower spine, Collier was left paralyzed from the waist down.   Later a blood clot in his left leg forced doctors to amputate the leg from the knee down.  Obviously it was a terrible night for Collier, but the odd part of it is, he never even realized he’d been shot.

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If you needed a sign about how little respect Pete Carroll has for UCLA ahead of their rivalry game this Saturday, consider this nugget from the ORANGE COUNTY REGISTER: the Trojans are going to be wearing their home Cardinal and Gold uniforms for the game, even though it’s going to cost them a time out each half.

It’s a throwback to a tradition of both teams in the Crosstown Rivalry wearing their home uniforms that lasted until 1982, when it was stopped by the No-Fun Police of the NCAA. Carroll has had a jones to restart it since he’s been at USC, and he’s apparently willing to lose a pair of time outs to make this happen.

You don’t do this unless you are a 33-point favorite against a team whose offense scored four touchdowns for the other team last week, and you don’t have a chance in making it to the National Title game. I guess the football monopoly in Los Angeles isn’t quite over yet…

Meanwhile, the NFL game that no one wanted to see turned out to not be very good. The Houston Texans made their first-ever appearance on Monday Night Football…if not memorable, at least successful, beating the similarly hapless Jacksonville Jaguars 30-17.

Steve Slaton rushed for a pair of TDs, and Mario Williams had three sacks while continuing to make you wonder just how lousy the Texans would be if they had drafted bust Reggie Bush instead of him.

Other stories to consider while thanking God that this isn’t your son:

• NBA cheerleader scandal alert: DON CHAVEZ has a Cavaliers’ cheerleader caught in a bubble bath with a female friend. As you would hope, some of the pictures are more NSFW than others.



• If Lance Armstrong wants to make me care about his Tour de France comeback, he should try racing while riding one of GIZMODO’s 10 Most Insane Concept Bikes. If he can win with a bike made out of cardboard, then I’ll be impressed.
• Sure, Plaxico Burress might have shot himself in the leg, but did he crash through a glass table while dreaming of spiders? COMPLEX counts down the Top 5 Most Infamous Self-Inflicted Athlete Injuries.
• According to ESPN, Hal Mumme is not so much the coach at New Mexico State anymore. Next destination for Charlie Weis?
• JUICED SPORTS BLOG has the answers to why Stephon Marbury has been a cancer everywhere he’s been. Turns out he’s a jerk.
• TRUE HOOP breaks down the genesis of Allen Iverson’s crossover (patent pending).
• Hubert “Pit” Martin, a four-time all-star with the Chicago Blackhawks in the 1960s and 1970s, was killed on Sunday when his snowmobile plunged through an ice-covered lake in Canada, according to TSN.
• Topping the list of ways not to die, from FLORIDA SPORTSMAN MAGAZINE: being dragged under water by my boat’s anchor rope as my son looks on. This is why I don’t own a boat (or have a son).
• Want to buy Mike Francesa’s four-bedroom house in Manhasset, NY? BOB’S BLITZ says it can be yours for the cool price of $2.9 million.
• The WNBA is doing great - people are gaga for women’s basketball. Never mind the fact that the Houston Comets - the team that won the league’s first four championships - are folding. KHOU-TV has all the gory details.