Vicious Carpet Injuries Leave Lions With One QB

The Detroit Lions are doing their damndest to put last year’s 0-16 abortion of a season behind them, and who can blame them? They fired their coach and GM, redesigned their logo, drafted a franchise QB - in short, they’re trying to leave their culture of losing behind (kinda hard in a city like Detroit, but whatever). So, let’s check in and see how the new-look, facelifted Lions are doing. Unrecognizable from last year? Er…well…

(Daunte Culpepper, seen here being attacked by a mean Berber rug)

We’ll say one thing: QB (and bikini babe magnet) Matt Stafford sure is getting a heck of a lot of snaps in practice. That’s going to help his development down the road. So good on them. But, uh, where are the other QBs? No, really…WHERE DID THEY GO?!

Read more…

Ochocinco Scoops NFL Press On Brady’s ‘Injury’

Yawn, another sleepy Satu–WE INTERRUPT THIS POST FOR AN IMPORTANT DREAMBOAT ALERT. Tom Brady has a sore shoulder! Stop the presses. Sound the alarum bells. All hands on deck: Mortensen! Schefter! Hell, get Peter Gammons in here! Someone fire up the ESPN overkill machine! Go! Go! Go! (!!!) Doesn’t Haynesworth know we’ve got a redemption/comeback storyline that needs to be beaten into the ground all season?  EVERYBODY PANIC!

Ochocinco Brady

(Behold the awesome power of MS Paint.)

Given the Patriots’ secretive nature about injuries and the media’s ability to work itself into a lather at the drop of a hat, it’s hard to know the extent of the injury. Thankfully, one man had the balls and the Rolodex big enough to cut the crap and get to the bottom of things: Investigative Reporter Chad Ochocinco!

Read more…

Bernard Pollard Almost Repeats History On Cassel

Under new GM Scott Pioli, the Kansas City Chiefs have become a sort of western outpost of former New England Patriots this offseason. Not that this is a bad thing, of course; the former Pats VP had what some might call a “pretty good track record” out in Boston, and the Chiefs have been going nowhere for the better part of the past two decades.

Tom Brady Bernard Pollard

One of Pioli’s biggest acquisitions this offseason was Patriots QB Matt Cassel, who was thrust into the spotlight last year after - we’re getting to the point here - Chiefs safety Bernard Pollard became Boston Public Enemy Number One by shredding dreamboat QB Tom Brady’s knee. Earlier this year, SbB’s Tom “5k” Fornelli said that Cassel should be thanking Pollard for giving him the opportunity to show his stuff.

Well, however Cassel went about thanking Pollard, it clearly didn’t impress him, as Pollard almost shredded his new, less-dreamy-but-still-starting QB’s knee last week in practice. Oops.

Read more…

Mets Finding New & Exciting Ways To Hurt Selves

It was just this morning that we said this: “Meanwhile, things may have finally hit rock bottom for the Mets this year.” That was in reference to the Mets’ 9th inning collapse and eventual loss to the Cardinals, a game that saw Luis Castillo likely earn a spot on the DL by spraining his ankle on the dugout steps.

Jon Niese
(Niese, seen here not yet writhing around the ground in agony.)

Oh, but rock bottom? Such fools we are! It’s only August, and that end of the season is a looooong way away. So seeing as how it’s been, what, 15 hours since a Met severely injured himself, clearly, they were overdue. Hope there’s more room on the DL for another pitcher!

Read more…

Injury Leaves College Hoops Player With Amnesia

When a player goes down, like Willis McGahee did last week, it’s hard not to imagine the worst. Concussion? Shattered facial bones? Paralysis? All awful things, but no one ever considers one injury that could be worse than all of them.

Kayla Hutcheson

Kayla Hutcheson is a freshman at Walla Walla Community College. While scrambling for a loose ball in October, she collided with another player. At first it seemed like nothing serious — a bloody nose and a possible concussion. But Hutcheson’s roommates quickly noticed something was wrong - she couldn’t remember who they were.

Read more…

New Orleans Saints Lose Reggie Bush, Game

Things have gone from “bad” to “oh holy hell no” in the Big Easy this weekend, as the Saints‘ 30-7 stinkfest wasn’t their worst loss of the afternoon. During coverage of today’s late games, CBS announced that Reggie Bush had torn his meniscus in the drubbing.

Reggie Bush vs. Carolina

Next up for Bush is arthroscopic surgery, obviously; the meniscus is vital to proper weight distribution when running, and Reggie Bush kinda sorta needs that. Rehab won’t be terribly bad, though. The timetable looks like just 3+ weeks for recovery, not the 9-12 months usually slotted for major knee ligament repair.

Read more…

Tiger Woods No Match for 14 Month-Old Daughter

Up until this point all we knew of Sam Woods was that she was the lucky recipient of Tiger Woods and Elin Nordegren Woods’ DNA. Now we know that the daughter of the golf great might be able to do something Ernie Els can’t do. Beat Tiger Woods.

Tiger Woods and Family

Her dad, Tiger has made a living of beating grown men on the golf course, but the injured golfer with a video game to promote tells NEWSWEEK, that right now he could not beat his 14 month-old daughter in a game of golf.

Read more…

Buckeyes’ Beanie Wells Injured, Carted Off Field

Ohio State Heisman hopeful Chris “Beanie” Wells was carted off the field with a foot injury during the third quarter of the Buckeyes’ 43-0 win in their season opening game today with Youngstown State. With OSU near the goal line for yet another score, their star running back fumbled a hand off and fell to the ground holding his right foot.

Beanie Wells

The Buckeyes who were a favorite by many to get to a third straight BCS Championship Game in January may have seen their championship dreams vanish in August.

Ken Gordon who is live blogging for the COLUMBUS DISPATCH wrote, “Ohio Stadium went deathly quiet as Wells writhed in pain, holding his right foot. It appeared he hurt it when he planted his foot to cut, it looked like he was hurt before getting hit.”

Read more…

Osi Umenyiora Injures Knee, Gets Carted Off Field

New York Giants All-Pro DE Osi Umenyiora was carted off the field last night against the Jets when it appeared he caught his left foot on the turf causing his knee to “lock up.”  During the second quarter, Osi was rushing Brett Favre on a third-down play when the injury occurred.  He fell to the ground, but actually got up right away to continue his pursuit.  When the play was whistled dead, Umenyiora collapsed and had to be carried off, unable to put any weight on his left knee.

Osi Umenyiora injury

X-Rays were immediately given to the Giants star and those initial results came back negative.  However, X-Rays would only reveal broken bones, so any ligament damage would be discovered in an MRI he is supposed to get later today.

Read more…

Someone Stop Albert Pujols Before He Kills Again

Quoth Mitch Hedberg: “I played golf, I’m not good at golf, I never got good at it. I never got a hole in one, but I did hit a guy in one. And that’s way more satisfying.” Albert Pujols is good at baseball, but while he didn’t hit a home run against the San Diego Padres, he did hit Chris Young. And that might be satisfying if he didn’t result in him bleeding profusely between the eyes.

Albert Pujols - Base Wars coverboy

(If only the Base Wars video games series caught on, Albert Pujols could be on the cover. Perhaps with a more realistic-looking scimitar, even.)

Later in the inning Pujols rounded the bases and eventually slid through the plant foot of catcher Josh Bard. He, too, was injured and had to be helped off the field. Read more…