It was a slow night in the world of sports with the baseball playoffs off until Thursday, and the only football game to be found was the timeless Troy-Florida Atlantic rivalry. So let’s focus our attention on what really matters: Eli Manning’s futuristic space condo.

Manning and his wife have a hyper-modern 3,000 square-foot condo in Hoboken, N.J., where nearly everything is operated with a remote control. Among the amenities: several 63-inch flat screens, steam-resistant speakers in the bathroom, and a secret bar stocked with top shelf liquor. ELECTRONIC HOUSE magazine is on the scene (with a slideshow to boot):

Eli’s guests are probably most excited by the hidden bar in the living room. It appears to be a normal column next to the wet bar–until Eli presses a button on a nearby Crestron wall panel. It then becomes James Bond-esque: The column slowly rotates and reveals a covert bar area. “I just kind of wanted the place to have a little secret,” Eli laughs.

Also included are two layers of automated shades that provide varying degrees of sunlight exposure. The place even has a computer that sets the the interior lighting to pre-programmed levels at the touch of a button. You know, for those days when you can’t even be bothered to expend the energy to flip a switch.

Unfortunately, most avenues for humor here have been completely destroyed by the fact that Eli Manning is currently the reigning Super Bowl MVP. He was a much easier target when he was losing playoff games 23-0.

In the things-that-actually-happened-last-night department, Greg Oden finally made his long-awaited debut as Portland stomped Sacramento 110-81 in the preseason opener for both teams. Oden had 13 points, five rebounds, and two blocks in 20 minutes of action. It was also the NBA debut for Portland’s Rudy Fernandez, who delivered several highlight moments to a near sell-out crowd at the Rose Garden. Even more impressive: none of the current Blazers have ever been charged with a felony.

Now for your Wednesday surgery round-up! Mariano Rivera had a calcified joint shaved in his shoulder. The shavings will be packed in a Pringles can and auctioned on eBay.  He should be able to throw again in three months, and is expected to not have lasting effects. Meanwhile, Omar Vizquel had laser eye surgery. I’m sure the Giants are happy that he did this after he hit .222 for them this year. The Cubs’ Carlos Marmol got into a car accident in the Dominican Republic and had to get some stitches in his head.

Of course, Marmol could’ve just as easily ended up with a gash in his head on Saturday night at Dodger Stadium if he would’ve been anywhere near teammates who took frustrations out on the plumbing near the visiting dugout after their season-ending loss. The pipe-bashers caused a flood, according to the CHICAGO SUN-TIMES’ Chris De Luca. Brad Lidge is scheduled to tear a quad slipping in the puddle Sunday night.

• If the Dodgers do somehow win the World Series this year, let’s hope they take a cue from their 1981 counterparts and put together a four-man singing crew that rivals this one (thanks to BIG LEAGUE STEW for the video footage):

• WFAN’s Sweeny Murti thinks he knows why the Yankees aren’t doing so well these days: they could’ve drafted better players between 1997 and 2003. What he doesn’t acknowledge? Every other team passed on all of the listed players they could’ve had at least once as well.

• The Flyers played at the Spectrum for the final time last night (the building is being torn down next year), and lost — to their minor-league affiliate. To be fair, it was a home game for the Phantoms.

• Yesterday was the 100th annversary of the worst beatdown in college football history, so says BLEACHER REPORT. You’re off the hook, Neuheisel.

• What does 11-19 in your first three years get you? If you’re Colorado football coach Dan Hawkins, it’s is a two-year extension (AP, via YAHOO! SPORTS).

• Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson’s son is the owner of the AAA baseball and minor-league soccer franchises in Portland and he’s looking for an $85 million bailout from local taxpayers to help renovate their current stadium for an MLS team and build a new baseball stadium, says OREGONLIVE.COM.

• HOME RUN DERBY’s jersey of the week? This guy:

Looking in the mirror might be painful for a few days.

• The Saints have taken down a photo of the Vikings’ Chad Greenway clutching Reggie Bush’s facemask, according to PRO FOOTBALL TALK.  The team claims that posting the photo didn’t have anything to do with being mad at Ed Hochuli’s crew for missing the call.

• Broncos kicker Matt Prater tells the AP (via the NEW YORK TIMES) that he wants a shot at breaking the record for longest field goal, after his 55-yarder on Sunday looked like it would’ve been good from 70 yards. Unfortunately, Lane Kiffin isn’t his coach.

• Last, but most definitely not least, SHORT NEWS has the heartwarming tale of an injured soccer player who discarded crutches and a cast and scored the game winning goal with his injured foot…and then vomited from the overwhelming pain.