Picture Kerry Wood, sitting in his study with a snifter of brandy in his hand. Coming off a 34-save season, his conversion to closer has been successful by any measure. Sure, the Cubs didn’t offer him a three-year deal like he wanted, but you can never have too much relief pitching, so other teams are bound to call. The phone rings. Wood puts down his drink, and leans over the phone to check the caller ID. It reads: Dusty Baker.

(”Kerry, what do you think about Dusty wanting to manage you again?”)

Six hours later, the police find Wood huddled in his bathtub with the showerhead running, rocking back and forth while muttering to himself, “He knows where I live, he knows where I live.”

Baker inherited a healthy Wood in 2003 and promptly ensured by lack of pitch counts that he would never again start another big league game. Now, as manager of the Reds, he wants Wood back. That’s like Tina going back to Ike. Can we press charges against this man?
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