Artie Lange Is A Genius, According To Artie Lange

Artie Lange took a little time off from admiring donuts and chain smoking Marlboros to appear on Michael Irvin’s radio show on Tuesday, and revealed what we’d pretty much assumed all along. His profanity-filled, over-the-top grossout performance during the debut airing of HBO’s “Joe Buck Live” last week was pretty much custom ordered by HBO and Buck himself.

Artie Lange

I kind of figured as much when Buck made little attempt to rein him in during the broadcast itself, then professed mild outrage over Lange in subsequent interviews. But if you believe Lange — and there’s no reason not to, really — Buck got exactly what he asked for, and his outrage is fake. Read more…

Artie Lange And The ‘Joe Buck Live’ Train Wreck

As the Orlando Magic and now Joe Buck can tell you, overtime can be a cruel mistress. The debut of HBO’s “Joe Buck Live” on Monday was notable for two reasons: The painful, knuckle-biting inexperience of the host, and spectacular warehouse fire of an appearance by MADtv alum and Howard Stern sidekick Artie Lange. Much of the damage was done during the regular show, as we discussed in Speed Read this morning. But Lange really hit his stride in the Overtime segment afterward on HBO.COM.

Artie Lange

What you witnessed there was a man’s career imploding, and I’m not talking about Lange’s. While Buck tentatively stepped through the bulk of the show with fair to middling results — he’s a good interviewer, and not at all unfunny — his weakness in this format immediately became apparent as soon as Lange was allowed to talk. The talk radio bad boy was crude and obnoxious even by cable standards, especially in the Overtime segment. He ripped gays, made jokes about ejaculation; stuff that would make John Rocker blush. After attempting to spar with him a bit, Buck gave up; taking on the appearance of a Keystone Cop trying to arrest a bear.

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Speed Read: Hansbrough, UNC Handle Duke Again

You have to hand it to the Cameron Crazies. Not so much for dressing a student as Beaker from “The Muppet Show” to point out the resemblance with North Carolina star Tyler Hansbrough. Frankly, this is old news. But having said Duke student/Muppet wear a T-shirt that says “D League,” as the CHARLOTTE OBSERVER noted. That’s classic - even North Carolina players were laughing over that one.

Tyler Hansbrough and Beaker

But then again, it was the Tar Heels and Hansbrough who had the last laugh again, as North Carolina pulled away in the second half to take down the Blue Devils 101-87 at Cameron Indoor Stadium. Which made Hansbrough and senior teammate Danny Green the only two players to play in four straight victories at Duke since Mike Krzyzewski took over as the Blue Devils’ coach.

Mike Krzyzewski reacts to UNC loss

The spark for North Carolina was Ty Lawson, who scored 21 points in the second half to help the Tar Heels rally from an eight-point halftime deficit. (Good thing there is nothing the Duke fans could have given him grief about.) But as usual, the story was Hansbrough, whether he was hitting key three-pointers, getting compared to a Muppet, or getting cracked in the jaw by a Kyle Singler elbow:

You have to love the crackerjack ESPN crew of Mike Patrick and Dick Vitale totally missing the elbow. But at least Vitale - once he noticed what was happening - actually admitted that a Duke player did a bad, bad thing. Unlike Billy Packer, who probably would have chided Hansbrough for ramming into Singler’s elbow with his face.

And what’s the best way to celebrate a big win if you’re a North Carolina student? Why, burning a Christmas tree, of course. Take that, Christmas! (Why they still had a tree in February is another question.):

Speaking of Christmas…it’s time to give you the gift that keeps on giving: Brett Favre is finally gone. After the Jets’ meltdown to end the season, it was obvious what was going to happen, but it’s official: he’s filed his retirement paperwork with the league and is apparently done. No teary press conferences, no 24/7 ESPN media watch, just an old man making sure, as the NEW YORK DAILY NEWS reports, he gets his severance pay like an auto worker reaching retirement age.

Brett Favre

So our national nightmare is over. Unless Favre goes online and reads stories like those from Dan Pompei of the CHICAGO TRIBUNE, who immediately wrote a column that suggested Favre could still “lead certain teams to the Super Bowl. Certain teams meaning “Minnesota Vikings.” For God’s sake, Pompei, let’s not give him any ideas - this is like Edward R. Murrow going on the radio and suggesting that Joseph McCarthy should try exposing gay in the military instead of Communists.

Other sports stories that happened last night as you regretted eating peanut butter and peanut sandwiches for dinner (with peanut brittle for dessert):

  • CNBC says that jewelry maker Robindira Unsworth received a surprise when one of her creations wound up dangling from the neck of Bar Refaeli on the cover of the SI Swimsuit Issue. Which makes me wonder: has anyone even noticed her necklace while looking at the cover? Perhaps boyfriend Leonard DiCaprio bought it for her, a nice gift - as the LA TIMES says some people think the SI cover was.
  • Bar Refaeli SI swimsuit cover

  • GOAL.COM says Mexico soccer captain Rafael Marquez is really sorry that he drove his spikes into US goalkeeper Tim Howard’s thigh, earning him a red card in his team’s 2-0 loss in a World Cup qualifying match in Columbus last night.  He might want to apologize to Mexico coach Sven-Goran Eriksson, who is now in danger of losing his job after El Tri have only won one of their last seven games.
  • Remember the testing program Lance Armstrong was going to undertake during his comeback to prove that he was free of performing-enhancing drugs? What a shock - it’s been scrapped, as KCRA-TV reports that he now claims that it’s too expensive and complex to pull off this year. I guess getting rid of Favre is all we could ask for.
  • Just what the already-volatile Dallas Cowboys’ locker room needs: Ray Lewis. The DALLAS MORNING NEWS reports that Terrell Owens has been making phone calls trying to recruit the Ravens’ linebacker/non-murder to play for Dallas this season.
  • Despite claims in a lawsuit filed by his ex-girlfriend, Roberto Alomar tells ESPN that he’s perfectly healthy and does not have AIDS. And he’s willing to spit anywhere needed to prove it.
  • Former Congressman Tom Davis tells NBCSPORTS.COM that it’s time to “cut your losses,” and that you can expect charges against Roger Clemens for lying under oath soon.
  • A woman in Fresno put up her old baseball card on eBay for $10, but decided to pull the item after receiving way too many e-mails asking if it was real. It turns out that the 1869 Cincinnati Red Stockings card was real, and worth a lot more than she thought: the AP says she sold it yesterday for almost $65,000.
  • Speaking of eBay, IDIOTS ON SPORTS found this beauty up for sale on the auction site, although I doubt it’s worth $65,000:
  • Bobby Labonte limo thing

  • The WACO TRIBUNE reports that Baylor football recruit Willie Jefferson was arrested 10 days before signing his letter of intent and charged with marijuana possession after cops found a “small bag of marijuana, a marijuana cigarette and several cigars in a cavity on the floorboard of the vehicle” Jefferson was driving. This is why you don’t by a used car from Tommy Chong.
  • See, Sirius XM isn’t going bankrupt. If it was, why would they be flying Chris Russo out first-class to spring training- twice! - as he told Howard Stern yesterday. Just like there’s no way the banks could be going under if they can still afford to fly their executives out to expensive resorts for annual meetings.

Which rivalry are you most sick of hearing about?

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LT: Strip Joint Hand Job’ll Cost You 75 Smackers

Lawrence Taylor has been a been a busy man this week. When he isn’t scraping Plax or sending his son off to play football for a god-awful team, he’s out promoting a football video game called “Blitz: The League 2.” Good luck with that one LT.

Lawrence Taylor Tootsie's Cabaret

Thankfully, the promo tour has Taylor talking about the only thing that would interest us about him these days: Strip club hand jobs and “two chickens f—ing.

Lawrence Taylor Artie Lange

Taylor appeared on Howard Stern this week. Stern sidekick Artie Lange immediately led off the fun with LT telling a story about about meeting the HOFer years ago: “He said, ‘c We ran out of there. We thought he would take us to the bitches.” Read more…

Bikini Bowling Helps Keep Your Mind In The Gutter

WITH LEATHER has it’s mind in the gutter, as they roll along some amusing images of what’s sure to be America’s next favorite sport: Bikini Bowling!

Porn Stars Bowling

These lovely ladies were apparently at the alley as part of some promo stunt for Howard Stern. What exactly for, who really cares? Hard to believe that bowling could be considered a spectator sport - until now.

And now the lads from WL have uncovered video of the voluptuous event, available right after the juggly jump (possibly NSFW).

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Blog-A-Roni: Greg Oden Breaks Out The Mohawk

• YARDBARKER is styling with Greg Oden, as the injured NBA rookie gabs with Jim Rome about his new ‘do:

Greg Oden Jim Rome

• YOU BEEN BLINDED can’t wait to play “Grand Theft Auto: John Madden“.

• LAIST takes Tony Kornheiser to task for being such a bitch about bloggers.

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