Meet Arek Onyszko, everybody. He’s the goalkeeper for Danish soccer club FC Midtjylland. Or at least he was, anyway; he was recently kicked off the team after he released a book the team told him to quit working on. Also, he hates gay people like you would not believe. No, really; he’d like to tell you all about how vile he finds them.
(”I’M SO STRAAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIGHT!”*)
Onyszko’s only with FC Midtjylland because he was fired from his earlier team, Odense OB, though that’s a rather normal reaction for a team when you’re put in jail for three months for beating your wife. So if you’re wondering what it would take to get kicked off another team if they’re willing to look past spousal abuse, well, we can start here.
Onyszko’s book, which is called “F–king Polack” and no we are not kidding about that, actually goes into uncomfortable detail about how and why he hates the gays; if you’re a virulent homophobe, this would be the right kind of book to curl up with in front of the fireplace this winter.
Okay, it’s time to talk about something fun, exciting, and not-at-all contentious: gay marriage! Okay, everybody stake out your positions, here’s your feces to fling at the other side, let’s go.
(It’s not like the NFL’s stayed clear of this issue, people; they’re practically pioneers.)
Okay, let’s not act like this is the proper forum for discussing gay rights; clearly it isn’t, and we’d prefer not to discuss any of those issues unless it’s the only two good-looking members of the WNBA totally going at it right at center court during a game. But while we prefer not to mix this touchy subject in with our sports, clearly, THE NATION has no such qualms. Oh boy.
Few professions allow, nay - encourage, their practitioners to be so constantly and egregiously wrong as that of Mainstream Sports Columnist. Their entire careers are predicated on comforting their fellow old white men’s opinions that all change is bad, the NBA is full of “thugs,” and baseball statistics are the worst thing to happen in sports, ever.
(Would you call either of these men gay to their face?)
Such professional contrarianism has been lucrative for Dallas columnist Tim Cowlishaw, who has played his whitebread opinions into a daily gig yelling at his colleagues on ESPN’s “Around The Horn.” Not content to hate everything new and changing about the nation’s mainstream sports, he has now decided to focus his bland, toothless vitriol on the fastest-growing sport in the country: MMA. And he might have just, finally, gone too far.
If you know me, then you know I like stories with female Canadian boxers who knock out male British soldiers with one punch, and in the ensuing melee someone’s nose gets bitten off. That’s why I’m so glad that I came into work this morning.
Ashley Wolfe (above), the 5-foot-3 wife of a British army sergeant, had been “drinking heavily” at a party and reportedly become enraged when she saw other soldiers pretending to be gay on the dance floor. Screaming “This shouldn’t be allowed in the British Army!” she went on the attack, and now search parties are on the lookout for someone’s nose.
In the 2nd quarter of the Clippers’ embarrassing 140-100 loss to Phoenix last night, Zach Randolph blasted the Suns’ Louis Amundson with a left cross after the two got tangled up in the paint. Why would Zach launch such a zinger into an opponent’s mug just three days removed from Valentine’s Day? Randolph claims that Amundson was getting a little too amorous.
(C’mon, Zach - how do you say no to those eyes?)
I know how Zach feels. You’re just minding your own business, playing some hoops out on the court, and then out of nowhere some dude on the other team just steps up and tries to start making out with you. At least, that’s the story Randolph is sticking to for why he slugged Amundson. Amundson is kind of a pretty boy, rocking the blond hair and the ponytail, but if Zach was his type of guy he probably would’ve at least waited until garbage time to make his move.
Video of the rebuffed advance after the jump:
Joe Torre’s been taking plenty of heat for his tell-all “The Yankee Years”, and his role in other books, for that matter, but one of the things that came out of his inevitable media slobbing to tout the tome was a rather noble gesture, and one that, to the best of our knowledge, hasn’t been taken up by any other notable sports celebrities: He’s advocating gay players come out of the closet.
When Torre was on LARRY KING LIVE, one viewer wrote in asking if he saw a time in the future where gay players, like Billy Bean, wouldn’t have to wait until retiring to come out of the closet. Torre’s answer was pretty unequivocal, and unwavering: He hopes they can already.
So there you are, doing your nightly porn-surf, when your eyes accidentally scan the sidebar ads and there, looking back up at you, is none other than sometimes-Cleveland Browns quarterback and full-time beefcake Brady Quinn!
(Touchdown Jesus, indeed!)
No, it’s not a nightmare young one. It’s a reality. And Quinn is none too happy about it, sending his lawyers in immediately to do a little cease-and-desisting with the website. TMZ.COM has the details after the jump.
Move over, Will Leitch. Take a back seat, Jose Canseco. Tony Dungy is ready to light up the literary world again.
The INDIANAPOLIS STAR reports that the Colts coach is coming out with a sequel to his New York Times bestseller “Quiet Strength” - the 96-page paperback “Quiet Strength: Men’s Bible Study.”
According to the news release, the follow-up is “aimed specifically at men, including those who may not otherwise be interested in spiritual matters.” Sorry, ladies.
The book supposedly challenges its male readers to find the answers to these six questions: