No disrespect to Michael Phelps or anything, but when it came to jaw-dropping performances in the 2008 Summer Olympics, the real show-stopper was Jamaica’s Usain Bolt. He so effortlessly dominated the 100 meter dash that not only did he break a world record, he did it while celebrating over the last 15 meters or so. He set the record at 9.69, which is wild enough, but considering his chest-thumping while he crossed the finish line, it was only natural to wonder just how low he can push the record.
Well, plenty lower, as it turns out. At the World Championships in Berlin today, Bolt chopped over a tenth of a second off his record, recording a 9.58 and - of course - winning easily. Video is after the break.
It’s an immutable truth of the universe that people are fascinated by man-eating animals. Stephen Colbert has an ongoing feud with bears. The DISCOVERY CHANNEL’s ‘Shark Week’ is one of their highest-rated blocks of programming every year. A tiger features prominently in one of the year’s hottest movies, “The Hangover”. Man-eating animals are interesting; they serve as a reminder that sometimes homo sapiens isn’t always the top of the food chain.
(Aha, the tables have turned. Advantage: Humans)
But the thing about those animals is that they’re only really interesting from afar. Up close, they’re really quite frightening because, don’t forget, THEY WILL EAT YOU. So when we turned on the ol’ Internet machine this morning and read that hordes of giant flesh-eating squid have taken up residence off the coast of San Diego, looking for scuba divers and surfers to snack on, we only thought of one thing to say: EVERYBODY PANIC!
No disrespect to Ron Artest, but he’s the one guy in the entire league where anything can come out of his mouth and nobody would flinch (We think Bill Simmons calls this the “Mike Tyson zone”). After that ludicrous ejection last night, if he had explained that his defensive philosophy is primarily informed by the Power Rangers’ individualized talent in the larger scheme of a 5-person unit, we’d say, “You know, that explains a lot.”
(JESUS CHRIST, IT’S A CHAIR! GET IN THE CAR!)
But he didn’t go “children’s show,” of course; he went “murder“. Tucked disturbingly seamlessly into his post-game dissertation was a story about how he watched a basketball game get so competitive that a losing player broke the leg off a chair and stabbed an opponent in his heart, killing him. At that point, nobody really knew how to react; Witness Ernie Johnson’s bewilderment during the Inside The NBA segment where the clips were aired. But luckily, nobody called him a liar; According to the intrepid reporting at MOUTHPIECE SPORTS, that story is completely true.