When I read that nine high school football players would miss the rest of their season after attending the Phillies victory parade, I mistakenly assumed that they were still trapped under flipped cars. But it’s because of one Vince Lombardi-wannabe who chose to punish the kids for joining the 40 percent of Philadelphia-area students who skipped school on Friday.

(That college scholarship is going, going…gone!)

Hatboro-Horsham coach Tom Butts dismissed the players from the team, causing them to miss the homecoming game, only the biggest day of the year for a high school football player. The punishment seems a little harsh, but Butts’ justification seems intended to guilt the players even further. Remember, he’s not mad, he’s just disappointed:

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After another dismal defeat on national television, the Seattle Seahawks are now the worst team in the NFL’s worst division, trailing even the Rams and 49ers — who have already fired their coaches this season.

Mike Holmgren’s team has been decimated by injuries this year, which may be part of the reason he decided to compare them to the high school team he used to coach 30 years ago. I don’t think it was supposed to be a compliment. Although when you’re stuck choosing between Seneca Wallace and Charlie Frye at quarterback, the comparison might be entirely appropriate

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We’re all in agreement that cheerleaders are awesome. Mascots too. And don’t get me started on “The Good, The Bad and The Ugly.” Put them all together and what do you get? A pep rally that’s actually pretty tasteless and offensive.

This, of course, comes from Texas, where they take their high school sports a little too seriously. But even for a jaded, soulless wretch like me, this doesn’t just cross the line, it takes a Bob Beamon leap over it.

Seems Nacogdoches High School held a pep rally to hype up the students before a game. As Enrico Morricone’s famous score blared over the loudspeakers, a group of cheerleaders dressed in the colors of rival Center High School “kidnapped” Duke the Dragon, Nacogdoches’ mascot. Then a second group of cheerleaders came and rescued Duke, subdued the CHS cheerleaders, forced them to kneel on the floor, and “executed” them with toy guns. Surprisingly, some people aren’t too pleased. (Zapruder-esque footage after the jump.)

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The Minnesota high school football season is headed toward the playoffs right now. And when you think of great states for high school football, you know, Minnesota’s where it’s at, right? For sure. Anyway, St. Paul Johnson led St. Paul Central 18-6 with five seconds to go Wednesday night. And as with all stories about large leads with small amounts of time to go, it all crashed down.

First, the Minutemen were on the Governors’ 36 with–wait, Minutemen? Governors? Is this Minnesota or Boston? Anyway, the (sigh) Minutemen scored on a bomb with five seconds to play, biffed the extra point, and you know what, let’s just go to the video after the break.

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For a 30-year old, Ashton Kutcher has worn a lot of different trucker hats in life.   He was first thrust into the spotlight as a male model before taking off after joining the cast of That 70’s Show.   Ashton then used his television success to branch out into movies, produce his own prank show on MTV, and land his own cougar, Demi Moore.

Now, for his next trick, Kutcher is going back to his Iowa-born roots.  No, he’s not making meth in the middle of an Iowa cornfield (at least, I don’t think he is), he’s getting back into football.  Ashton played wide receiver for his high school football team, and now he’s taken off the pads and replaced them with a clipboard.

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This seems pretty cut-and-dried: commit a sex offense, you don’t get to play high school football. Apparently, it’s not that straightforward, at least in Ohio, where a student “pleaded guilty to delinquency by gross sexual imposition in June after he was accused of rape by a then-17-year-old girl,” and school officials must still decide if he’ll be on the Vermilion Sailors roster when the season opens.

Shockingly, some members of the community are appalled that Vermilion’s very own version of Jesus Quintana could be allowed to suit up after he was convicted.

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• NEW YORK POST’S HARDBALL remembers Yankee great Bobby Murcer.

• THE BIG LEAD gives us the scoop on a brawl at Florida high school football exhibition game.
• DEADSPIN digs up a video of UFC star Forrest Griffin as a high school football player with no real regard for the saftey of his cranium.
• BUSTED COVERAGE finds the man who put the “X” in Texas.
• ESPN THE MAGAZINE goes inside the house of a bobble head collector who spent his birthday in Bridgeport, CT picking up the Tommy John Bobble Arm doll.
• TAMPA BAY.COM dusts Pat Summerall off to countdown their top 25 Super Bowl moments.

We’ve always been told that organized sports provides structure for youth and gives them the ability to become more self-assertive and responsible. However, we can’t imagine the football coach at Syracuse High School in Syracuse, UT, ever suspected his football players would be responsible for this.

(Endless Summer robbery turns into cruel summer for high school football players… film at 11)

Five players from the Syracuse High School football team have been arrested on 54 charges relating to a crime spree across two northern Utah counties. The strapping young men allegedly robbed at least 10 local businesses and damaged other nearby homes and businesses. Why’d they do it?

“”They started doing this, and they were successful at it,” said Deputy Davis County Attorney Rick Westmoreland. “They were getting money… they were getting a rush, so they just continued to do it.”"

And here we thought we wouldn’t be writing any Brett Favre stories today.
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