Pardon me for being a soccer purist [If you were really a purist you’d call it “football,” you ass.-ed.], but I remember when it was all about the run of play, the penalty kick shootouts, Diego Maradona, Roy Keane! But not this, Dike, not this at all.
Hmm? What’s that? No, I’m not using a derogatory term for lesbians; my favorite of those is “Subaru Jockey.” No, we’re referring to the Nigerian soccer player named simply “Dike,” which we would kinda suggest he changes at some point, because c’mon man. Dike was arrested for smuggling heroin into India, which he says he was doing in return for a spot on the Nigerian soccer team.