The NBA. Where Matt Barnes flattening Rafer Alston with a forearm happens. We soon entered some sort of bizarro world in which Steve Nash is the third man in in a brawl while Ron Artest just observes from the bench. Then, for some reason, Yao decides to fight Tracy McGrady. It was just about the only entertainment in Houston’s suprisingly easy 94-82 win over the Suns.

Here’s video of the incident. It’s the Rockets’ TV broadcast, so of course everyone wearing a white jersey deserves to be shot, according to these guys:

The Celtics got a buzzer-beater from Paul Pierce to hand the Hawks their first loss of the season, 103-102. A tough loss, but it’s clear that Atlanta is going to be a major factor in the Eastern Conference this year. For the second straight night, the champs had to come back from a double-digit deficit at home to eke out a win. One wonders how long the hangover will last for the C’s.

The Lakers remained the league’s only unbeaten team, but had to hold off a furious fourth-quarter rally by the Hornets. L.A. led by 21 at the half and still led by the same margin early in the fourth, but New Orleans went on a run that saw them get within 83-80 with 90 seconds left, but Kobe Bryant hit a dagger of a three-pointer as the shot clock expired to give the Lakers a six-point lead and ice the game.

Greg Oden finally got back on the court last night, and managed to make it through an entire game without suffering an injury. He was far from spectacular in 16 minutes of play, but he did score the first points of his career and showed off some of his strength and defensive prowess. The Blazers beat the Heat 104-96 thanks to 25 points from their less-hyped, but more-talented rookie Rudy Fernandez.

(he made the shot, and didn’t break any bones in the process)

I didn’t really get to see any of last night’s MAC battle between Central Michigan and Northern Illinois. Oh, I had it on, it’s just that the fog was so thick I couldn’t actually see what was going on. The fog was actually a blessing for NIU, as we couldn’t see that there were only 43 people in the stands. The Chippewas (that’s CMU) blew a 30-6 lead in the third quarter and ended up needing overtime to beat the Huskies 33-30. CMU moved to 6-0 in the MAC and hosts unbeaten #14 Ball State next Wednesday for the chance to put a fork in the BCS chances of the Cardinals.

• Are you unemployed? If so, I’ve got a deal for you. All you gotta do is send in your resume and you’ll get some free NBA tickets! They’re Nets tickets, though. Oh, you aren’t interested? Rather stay jobless than figure out how to take the bus to the Meadowlands? I hear you.

(Oh, you want to sit here? Get a freaking job, loser!)

In all seriousness, this is actually a pretty good idea. Just send your resume to the Nets, and the team will forward it to 120 sponsors as well a bunch of other companies that have season tickets. And for that, you get four tickets to a crappy basketball game in a crappy half-empty arena that you couldn’t otherwise even afford to attend. How’s that for wake-up call?

• Today’s gratuitous photo comes courtesy of BLAZE OF LOVE, which is enamored with the Portland Blazer Dancers’ new uniforms, now featuring boy shorts. These were clearly Greg Oden’s idea.

• Brian Burke stepped down as the GM of the Anaheim Ducks yesterday, and was replaced by Bob Murray, who becomes like the 38th Murray running a hockey team in some capacity. DUCKS BLOG has the report.

• “He’s our head coach and I look forward to him being the head coach for a long time,” is the quote from Notre Dame AD Jack Swarbrick when asked about Charlie Weis‘ job security on Wednesday (courtesy of the FORT WORTH STAR-TELEGRAM). That’s code for “his ass is toast if we lose to Navy.”

• Bobby Knight isn’t just going to be a studio analyst this year for ESPN — he’s going to be a game analyst as well. Don’t call him a member of the media, though.

• The Orioles wish they had a second word in their team nickname they could get rid of, like Tampa Bay, but they’ll have to settle for new jerseys. Not a radical change, but they’ve gone back to wearing “Baltimore” across their chests on the road, something they got rid of in the ’70s when they weren’t trying to alienate the D.C. market. Now, the O’s say the District can suck it. The BALTIMORE SUN was on hand for the unveiling.

• It’s so cute when Americans try to act like real soccer fans. Apparently the MLS Eastern Conference Final between Columbus and Chicago is so contentious that all Chicago fans are getting a police escort to their seats in Columbus and the two teams’ posses aren’t allowed anywhere near each other. MLS RUMORS lists all of the security policies that will be enacted. They have attack dogs on hand in case of a “pitch invasion.” Good Lord, it’s MLS.

• FANTASY BASEBALL DUGOUT says that Carlos Gonzalez is now a fantasy sleeper for next season as he stands to be an everyday starter in Coors Field. Matt Holliday? Not so much, now that he’s stuck playing in the Mausoleum.  Although, there’s about a 105% chance that Billy Beane is flipping Holliday to the Mets in July for their entire farm system.

• Bernard Hopkins is all over Donovan McNabb yet again. From PHILLY.COM: “Some people are athletes, still good, but don’t have that extra ‘I’m willing to sacrifice my life. I’m willing to sacrifice what I have to sacrifice to win.’”

• MLB.COM confirms that the Angels are done trying to sign Francisco Rodriguez, and are going to turn their attention toward Manny Ramirez. Artie Moreno says he thought they had K-Rod locked up last year, but then Mariano Rivera got his huge contract and screwed up the market for closers.

• Antonio McDyess has been waived by the Nuggets after they acquired him from Detroit in the Allen Iverson deal. And now any team (wink, wink) can sign McDyess. All 30 teams will certainly have an equal chance (cough, cough) of getting him.  No way he’d have any sort of pre-arranged deal to return to the Pistons. At least that’s what the Cavs suddenly seem to believe, according to the CLEVELAND PLAIN-DEALER.

• ESPN’s Chris Low says Lane Kiffin interviewed for the Clemson job recently, making them the 19th team interested in hiring him. Getting fired by Al Davis is the best thing that ever happened to this guy.

Well, I suppose that was all worth it for the folks in Philadelphia. For the first time in 28 years and just the second time ever, the Phillies are World Series champions. And the fact that they defeated their longstanding arch-rivals from Tampa Bay makes it just that much more satisfying.

(Lidge tore his rotator cuff and his out for next season, but who cares? WHOOOOOOO!)

In a game that was called after just three innings, and featuring the Phillies batting first for some reason, the Fightin’s beat Tampa 4-3 to take the series 4-1. Three of the games were decided by one run, and the Rays made just enough mistakes to win none of those games. One wonders what would’ve happened if Evan Longoria had let that chopper go foul at the end of Game 3, or if things would’ve gone better for Andy Sonnanstine if he’d thrown to the right base in the first inning of Game 4. Or, perhaps most of all, if B.J. Upton hadn’t swung at the first freaking pitch with nobody out in the eighth inning last night and at least given Carl Crawford a pitch or two to steal a base.

But give the Phils credit. They were just the better team. Better starting pitching, better bullpen, and a dominant closer in Brad Lidge who more than made up for his struggles in Houston (except to Astros fans, who still hate the guy). To think that he was seen as a “risky move” when the Phillies traded a crappy outfielder for him. A bunch of different guys came through with huge hits. Utley and Howard contributed sporadically (the former with a spectacular defensive play to cut down Jason Bartlett at home in the seventh inning last night), but the heroes of this series for the Phillies will be guys like Carlos Ruiz, Pedro Feliz, and Geoff Jenkins, who I thought was playing for Milwaukee’s AA team until I saw him at the plate last night.

It’s all a bit odd to think the Phillies are actually the champs. At the beginning of last season, Jimmy Rollins made news for predicting that they would win the NL East over the defending Mets. Most laughed, even the Phillies fans. Eighteen months later, they’re on top of the baseball world. The national media, for the most part, covers the Phillies only in relation to what the Mets are doing. They’re just that team that gets to go to the playoffs because the Mets are huge failures, not a real contender, right? And now, as the offseason approaches, we’ll go right back to a billion stories about what’s wrong with the Mets and Yankees, and how they can get fixed. The Phils have never really received a whole lot of respect, but now they have a title with which to taunt their rivals to the north, and isn’t that more important anyway?

Towel girl thinks so:

Blazers fans lived without Greg Oden for all of last season, so living without him for two to four more weeks shouldn’t be that big of a deal. Oden has a sprained foot, but an MRI revealed that there are slight fractures in the foot. Everyone insists it’s minor. The bigger problem for Portland fans is not the inevitable Sam Bowie comparisons, but that Tuesday night’s game displayed just how much better Andrew Bynum is right now than Oden. And Bynum’s only a year older than Oden. So how exactly is Oden supposed to dominate the West for the next decade?

Mike D’Antoni’s Knicks debuted with a 120-115 win over Miami last night. And this is pretty much the same team that routinely struggled to put up 80 points with the same personnel last year. The biggest news of the night was that Stephon Marbury, who actually played pretty well in the preseason, got DNP-CD‘d for the first time in his career, as D’Antoni went with Chris Duhon and Nate Robinson all night. For what it’s worth, Marbury is actually handling it all fairly well. Isiah Thomas didn’t have much to say when reached for comment, as he said he slept through the whole thing.

Here’s some more news to digest while you recover from flipping cars over all night:

• Shaq riled up Gregg Poppovich when he complained about the Spurs going to the hack-a-Shaq strategy in the first half of playoff games last season. So what does Poppovich do in the season opener last night between the two rivals? Have Michael Finley bear-hug O’Neal five seconds into the game, then give him the double-barreled thumbs up with a giant grin:

• Former Colts player and current high school football coach Jeff Burris was caught driving backward through the streets of Indianapolis at 1:00 in the morning. He was drunk, of course. WRTV in Indy has the details.

• Just in case you live in Kansas and you were wondering, you are in fact required to root for the the Thunder. The WICHITA EAGLE has decided that for you.

• Joe Lieberman is so concerned with getting John McCain elected right now that instead of campaigning, he’s spending his time pleading with the NFL to get more games on TV, so says the Springfield STATE JOURNAL-REGISTER.

• THE TWO MINUTE DRILL is having a “best looking college female athlete” contest, that appears to just be combing through the rosters on every university’s athletic website and coming up with the best headshots. Yes, Allison Stokke is involved.

• The AP says the Saints just cut some kickers and added some new kickers, none of whom I’ve ever heard of. Domination of the NFC South to ensue.

• You know, I just don’t trust those polls. Texas#1? What a bunch of crap. I have them more like #16. No doubt that Tulsa and Ball State are better. Even Minnesota’s better. Don’t believe me? It’s true, just check out the ESPNU Allstate Fan Poll.

• There was a brawl during a charity soccer match between media members and politicians in Scotland on Sunday, according to THE COURIER. So, I guess that MSNBC vs. RNC hockey game next weekend isn’t such a bright idea.

• Bernard Berrian has been trying to call the NFL’s steroid hotline (what?) to find out if he’s ingesting anything illegal, but nobody’s been answering, says PRO FOOTBALL TALK. Berrian proceeds to place blame on NFL for recent rash of positive drug tests.

• LISTVERSE has a list (duh) of the 15 most influential driving-related video games of all time. In other words, a list of 14 games I sucked at, and Pole Position.

Yup, Greg Oden hurt his foot less than three minutes into his first regular season game against the Lakers. That’s not a punchline to a joke, but the sad truth. He played through the first half before throwing in the towel. ESPN.COM reports that Oden suffered a mid-foot sprain, which sounds like a made up injury you would use to get out of work, but apparently you can get if you are made out of peanut brittle.

Not that Oden was tearing the joint up. His stat line for the game: 0-4 from the field and five rebounds in 13 minutes.  Which puts him about on par with the rest of the Blazers, as they were thumped by Los Angeles 96-76. As for Oden…he has a trip to the MRI machine scheduled for later today, or as he calls it, “The Mother Ship.”

Having a much better NBA debut was Derrick Rose, who scored 11 points and had nine assists as the Bulls stuck it to their ex-coach Scott Skiles by beating the Bucks 108-95. Meanwhile, that clanging you heard in Boston was LeBron James rattling free throws all over the place against the Celtics. He missed four of eight free throws, all in the fourth quarter, and Cleveland fell 90-85.

Here’s some more of last night’s news, but be forewarned: Bud Selig says that he has the power to suspend this after six links.

• CBS analyst Gary Danielson thinks that Texas runs a “junk offense” and that Georgia’s Matthew Stafford would be putting up Colt McCoy-type numbers in that offense, says the AUSTIN AMERICAN-STATESMAN. No SEC homerism there at all.
• The man who saved the NBA during the lockout in 1999, according to the DETROIT NEWS? Not David Stern. Not Billy Hunter? Nope, it was Michael Curry.
• Relax, says the DENTON RECORD-CHRONICLE: it turns out that those 15 North Texas football players tested positive for recreational drugs, not steroids. Which is great, because we wouldn’t want their run at an 0-12 season to be tainted.
• The AP has a tip for Eli Manning - don’t let the defense read your lips when you call a play on fourth down. It kind of helps them know what to do.
• The SAN JOSE MERCURY NEWS estimates that only 20,000 people will be on hand to see Stanford take on Washington State this Saturday, even though the Cardinal are 3-0 at home this year and fighting for a bowl berth.
• Even after having beaten the Chargers in a thriller on Sunday, the NEW ORLEANS TIMES-PICAYUNE says that Saints coach Sean Payton was less than thrilled with the experience of playing in London.
• The BOSTON GLOBE reports that Patriots’ nose tackle Vince Wilfork is going to be getting called to the Principal’s office - in this case NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell - for his blow to the head of Broncos’ QB Jay Cutler. Wait, I thought the Patriots were perfect schoolboys who never, ever committed any penalties?
• Will the expansion Seattle Sounders get more from signing Swedish star Freddie Ljungberg than the LA Galaxy did from David Beckham? Arash Markashi of SI.COM thinks so.
• Why would Isiah Thomas apparently continue to lie about his alleged sleeping pill overdose? The local police chief speculates to NEWSDAY it might be because of his contract. “If he takes drugs or whatever they may not owe him the $18 million. I have no idea.”
• Remember when Joe Tiller said that Rich Rodriguez was a “snake oil salesman” after Purdue lost a big recruit to Michigan? The DETROIT FREE-PRESS says that there’s really no bad blood there. Really.

Hey, remember when about two weeks ago I was spouting off some amazing reasoning on why the World Series would be Los Angeles and Boston for the sole purpose of perpetuating a great storyline? Well, here’s a better one: two under-the-radar teams are the only squads remaining on the World Series Doppler. Philly’s series tickets already have dry, dry ink, but the American League had a conclusion to reach that lasted, for some inexplicable reason, far, far beyond Game 5.

(With David Price throwing heat, hell, who needs opposable thumbs?)

The big reason the Rays won 3-1 on Sunday night was Matt Garza lasting seven strong, allowing one run and two hits. That also gave him the ALCS MVP, and a blank check to swear on TBS. Said Garza on LIVE UNCENSORED television, when asked what he’d take, the MVP or the World Series: “Sh*t, I’ll take the World Series every time!”

Other MVPs of the game: Price, who got the final four outs of the game for his first major league save ever; Willy Aybar, who provided the team with a solo home run and scored another; Evan Longoria, who gave the world an RBI double; and Jason Varitek for striking out three times and finishing the series with an .050 average. Could the captain catcher be moving elsewhere next year?

Let’s go with the surprise motif — heck, it’s gotten us this far. The Romo-free Cowboys shouldn’t be a team that the St. Louis Rams — the freakin’ Rams — should boss around. But sure enough, the trap game for America’s team turned into a full-out massacre in a 34-14 win for the Fightin’ Hasletts. You can thank Steven Jackson for 160 yards and three touchdowns, although if I were to draw a pie chart breaking down the amount of people elated with this result:

Now then. What else, you ask, is going on, besides 83 season previews of every NBA team?

• The JOURNAL SENTINEL’ BREWERS BLOG handicaps the next Brewers manager, and if you’re a fan of recycled torn-asunder skippers, then you’re in luck!
• The INDIANAPOLIS STAR watches one of the Colts’ worst losses in quite some time…
• … while STAMPEDE BLUE is torn between two ways on how to handle the loss.
• The HONOLULU ADVERTISER fires back at PETA for trying to get native son Shane Victorino off his Spam musubi diet.
• THE FAST AND THE FABULOUS has ten companies that should sponsor a Sprint Cup team. I would pay good money to see an MLS-sponsored car.
• Greg Oden has so many expectations on him this year, that writers for THE OREGONIAN will even apologize to his face when they say they haven’t been impressed so far.
• WAS WATCHING notes how the last home run in Yankee Stadium, a blast by the famous Jose Molina (!?), was expected to sell for at least $200,000, but had absolutely no bidders. Time to bury it under the new stadium, I guess.
• Journeyman hockey player Brad Isbister is on his 13th team in as many years, NY TIMES’ SLAPSHOT BLOG notes. His current team? Switzerland’s EV Zug. All right then.
• CINCY JUNGLE goes deep, deep, deep on the Bengals’ 0-7 start.
• Ball State Cardinals watch: They’re up to 20th, and all they had to do was not play a football game.

It was a slow night in the world of sports with the baseball playoffs off until Thursday, and the only football game to be found was the timeless Troy-Florida Atlantic rivalry. So let’s focus our attention on what really matters: Eli Manning’s futuristic space condo.

Manning and his wife have a hyper-modern 3,000 square-foot condo in Hoboken, N.J., where nearly everything is operated with a remote control. Among the amenities: several 63-inch flat screens, steam-resistant speakers in the bathroom, and a secret bar stocked with top shelf liquor. ELECTRONIC HOUSE magazine is on the scene (with a slideshow to boot):

Eli’s guests are probably most excited by the hidden bar in the living room. It appears to be a normal column next to the wet bar–until Eli presses a button on a nearby Crestron wall panel. It then becomes James Bond-esque: The column slowly rotates and reveals a covert bar area. “I just kind of wanted the place to have a little secret,” Eli laughs.

Also included are two layers of automated shades that provide varying degrees of sunlight exposure. The place even has a computer that sets the the interior lighting to pre-programmed levels at the touch of a button. You know, for those days when you can’t even be bothered to expend the energy to flip a switch.

Unfortunately, most avenues for humor here have been completely destroyed by the fact that Eli Manning is currently the reigning Super Bowl MVP. He was a much easier target when he was losing playoff games 23-0.

In the things-that-actually-happened-last-night department, Greg Oden finally made his long-awaited debut as Portland stomped Sacramento 110-81 in the preseason opener for both teams. Oden had 13 points, five rebounds, and two blocks in 20 minutes of action. It was also the NBA debut for Portland’s Rudy Fernandez, who delivered several highlight moments to a near sell-out crowd at the Rose Garden. Even more impressive: none of the current Blazers have ever been charged with a felony.

Now for your Wednesday surgery round-up! Mariano Rivera had a calcified joint shaved in his shoulder. The shavings will be packed in a Pringles can and auctioned on eBay.  He should be able to throw again in three months, and is expected to not have lasting effects. Meanwhile, Omar Vizquel had laser eye surgery. I’m sure the Giants are happy that he did this after he hit .222 for them this year. The Cubs’ Carlos Marmol got into a car accident in the Dominican Republic and had to get some stitches in his head.

Of course, Marmol could’ve just as easily ended up with a gash in his head on Saturday night at Dodger Stadium if he would’ve been anywhere near teammates who took frustrations out on the plumbing near the visiting dugout after their season-ending loss. The pipe-bashers caused a flood, according to the CHICAGO SUN-TIMES’ Chris De Luca. Brad Lidge is scheduled to tear a quad slipping in the puddle Sunday night.

• If the Dodgers do somehow win the World Series this year, let’s hope they take a cue from their 1981 counterparts and put together a four-man singing crew that rivals this one (thanks to BIG LEAGUE STEW for the video footage):

• WFAN’s Sweeny Murti thinks he knows why the Yankees aren’t doing so well these days: they could’ve drafted better players between 1997 and 2003. What he doesn’t acknowledge? Every other team passed on all of the listed players they could’ve had at least once as well.

• The Flyers played at the Spectrum for the final time last night (the building is being torn down next year), and lost — to their minor-league affiliate. To be fair, it was a home game for the Phantoms.

• Yesterday was the 100th annversary of the worst beatdown in college football history, so says BLEACHER REPORT. You’re off the hook, Neuheisel.

• What does 11-19 in your first three years get you? If you’re Colorado football coach Dan Hawkins, it’s is a two-year extension (AP, via YAHOO! SPORTS).

• Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson’s son is the owner of the AAA baseball and minor-league soccer franchises in Portland and he’s looking for an $85 million bailout from local taxpayers to help renovate their current stadium for an MLS team and build a new baseball stadium, says OREGONLIVE.COM.

• HOME RUN DERBY’s jersey of the week? This guy:

Looking in the mirror might be painful for a few days.

• The Saints have taken down a photo of the Vikings’ Chad Greenway clutching Reggie Bush’s facemask, according to PRO FOOTBALL TALK.  The team claims that posting the photo didn’t have anything to do with being mad at Ed Hochuli’s crew for missing the call.

• Broncos kicker Matt Prater tells the AP (via the NEW YORK TIMES) that he wants a shot at breaking the record for longest field goal, after his 55-yarder on Sunday looked like it would’ve been good from 70 yards. Unfortunately, Lane Kiffin isn’t his coach.

• Last, but most definitely not least, SHORT NEWS has the heartwarming tale of an injured soccer player who discarded crutches and a cast and scored the game winning goal with his injured foot…and then vomited from the overwhelming pain.

• YOU BEEN BLINDED splashes up a clip of Torii Hunter celebrating the Angels’ AL West title with a tribute to Michael Phelps.

We understand that Stephanie Rice is swimming her way to Anaheim as we speak.

• Sure he can do a mean Milli Vanilli, but LARRY BROWN SPORTS discovers Jonathan Papelbon’s real talent - cross-dressing for high school productions of “Dirty Dancing“.

• If New England is looking for a QB, Jason Whitlock of the KANSAS CITY STAR suggests the Pats get on the phone with Jeff George.

• Palmer? Bush? Leinart? FIRST & BIG TEN has an interesting interview with the USC player really responsible for the Trojans’ re-emergence: former WR John Zilka.

Read more…

• Already feeling lost in this whole Brett Favre mess? Well, then 100% INJURY RATE comes across a corn maze you’re not going to like.

• BALL DON’T LIE interviews Greg Oden, and learns that the Blazers star would like to own a flying monkey.

• DEADSPIN tosses along news that MLB security doesn’t believe Mike Lupica is worthy of All-Star VIP status.

• THE BEAUTIFUL GAME scores some video of a goalkeeper showing off his scorpion-like saving skills.

Read more…

• MR. IRRELEVANT believes that the Wizards signing Gilbert Arenas to a $126 million deal is worth the mountain of moolah.

• DC SPORTS BLOG learns that cute young girls love to have their pictures taken with Clinton Portis, even if they don’t know who he is.

• JOE SPORTS FAN changes the channel, as ESPN dedicates a full hour of airtime to announce the nominees for their ESPY Awards.

• Greg Oden heads back to school to take a biology class, but not before he stops by the Taste of Chicago.

Read more…

• AWFUL ANNOUNCING doesn’t remember much of the man (and neither do I, I just wasn’t old enough), but a lot of other people do, and had plenty to say.

(He’s all gone.)

Read more…

As always, we prefer to get our breakdowns of major events from athletes. After all, this is why we ask privates for their consideration of the theater of war and fish about swimming. If you want to know anything, you have to go right to the source. “Analysts”, “experts”, “people who can think and express those thoughts eloquently”… they’re just gettin’ in the way, man.

(Greg Oden, the consummate teacher, in his valiant attempt to teach the low-post game to every co-ed in America, one at a time)

That’s why we were so tickled to find that THE MONOTONOUS LIFE has the same philosophy and relies on Greg Oden and his YARDBARKER work for her NBA Finals coverage:

“With two good teams with so much history. I have no predictions on who will win it all, but I’ll say the team who scores the most points has a really good chance.”

Well said, young man. Well said.

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